Would You Marry Someone As A Friend?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Yeah, you really need to break it off with him. If I were him, I would be totally confused and hoping. Time to just rip that ol’ bandaid off.

Here’s another angle to this that you may not have thought of - when you (or he) start dating a truly special person, how is that new person going to think of you two having such a close relationship? Neither my husband or I are jealous people, but this situation would make me wonder why I (as the new suitor) wasn’t the one that was getting the best of you.

22

You do realize that if he has not yet joined the SDMB and ever decides to in the future, he’ll be required to use the name Dexter, right? :wink:

23

Do you honestly expect this man to go the rest of his life without sex if you marry him? Or that you, yourself would never have sex again? Like it or not, that’s a huge part of marriage.

Why the need to get married? You don’t have to do it. It’s not a necessary part of life.

You aren’t doing yourself or him any favors by marrying him or leading him on as you seem to be doing. Cut him loose, and you can still be friends, but maybe not the kind of friends you are right now.

24

Tell him you think the two of you should take a good long break from each other. Make sure he knows it’s for the good of your friendship. Explain that neither of you will find what you’re looking for as long as you’re spending so much time together. Let him know it will be hard for you too. Don’t be afraid to let him know how much you’ll miss him. Tell him to call you in about a year. That’s a reasonable cooling off period, during which you’ll both meet people and grow as individuals. Then, if you both feel you’re ready, you can start hanging out again. If the friendship was really meant to be, you’ll connect again and be as close as ever, without all the sexual tension messing things up.

25

Do people only read the parts they want and just skip the rest, as in little details like the fact that I’m not actually considering marraige to him? C’mon, I said in the very beginning that I’m not thinking about getting married to him because I’m not attracted to him.
And yes, a goal of mine is to get married. It’s something that I’d like to do, even though I know that I don’t have to.
As for any new relationships I may enter- I’m fully aware that there will come a point when I will have to make someone else my first priority if I want to complete my goal of being married (to someone else). But when it comes to friendships, I don’t believe that you shouldn’t be friends with someone unless you are willing to be friends with them for life. I believe most if not all friendships meet certain needs for a time, and when they no longer work for both of you, you move on. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying someone’s company without a life-long commitment- friend or lover.
To reiterate, I wasn’t really looking for advice as to whether I should marry him or not. I’m curious as to how many other people would choose to spend their life with someone they are very connected to in every other way besides sexually. Really, that’s all.

26

What?!
Let me see if I have this right: you spend lots of time with him, allow him to take you out on a regular basis and talk with him frequently after you had sex with him recently…but you’re not stringing him along? Maybe you aren’t intending it, trublmakr, but that’s a heck of a load of mixed signals right there. I don’t think he’s a total idiot to think there’s a chance because your actions say the exact opposite. It doesn’t matter that much what you’ve said to him; your actions quite obviously speak louder than words to him. Why wouldn’t he still hope?

I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, trublmakr, but sheesh, cut the guy a break already. There’s really no mystery why he’s still hanging around you, hoping for more. If you genuinely value his many stellar traits then stop playing with him like kitten with a shiny ribbon. He isn’t psychic. Why in the world wouldn’t he believe you’re still trying him out as a romantic partner? Match your actions to your words, or better yet, set him free cleanly.

How you define as ‘love’ is up to you, but this isn’t the way friends treat each other.

Veb

27

It was AFTER we had sex (not recently but months ago) that we had the first talk about how we would only be friends.
I’m definitely hearing your opinions that there’s something wrong here, but I sincerely with all my heart believe that he doesn’t think we’ll end up together. I mean, I know this man inside and out! There’s no way I’m leading him on. Trust me on this.
Besides, he’s not a doormat, and he’s not the kind of person that would LET himself be led on. He has boundaries and self-respect as do I.
We even talk about how close we are yet we both know it’ll never go there. It’s quite understood.

28

I don’t care how much you need affection-if someone that I had feelings for was hugging and snuggling me all the time, I would consider it CRUEL if they did not feel the same way I did.

If you’re REALLY his friend, I think you need to give him space-so he can get over you. Because while he may get that it will indeed never go anywhere, it probably hurts.

29

This sounds alot like me. I have a friend who I have known since 5th grade or earlier. She says it’s 3rd I say 5th, Right now we are just friends because that what she wants. I asked her out once in the distant past and got the “I don’t want to ruin our friendhship bit” I treat her better than anyone she dated and has been there for her every time she is hurt. We go away together on weekends and short trips and nothing happens between us because I respect that she wants to be just friends because I know she doesn’t feel that thing for me.

The “bad” part is we made a pact that if we both were not maried at the age of 35 would would marry each other. The subject of sex in this “marrige” never comes up but I would not want to be married without sex.

Knowing we have the pact and that we would be prefect for each other (our friends say we act like we are married) doesn’t stop me from dating. I have been seeing one woman for a long time now but I know her and I won’t stay together forever and I should end it but I can’t and that is another thread for another day

30

I never could marry someone unless I felt it was head over heels true love. I know because as soon as I married someone for other reasons, I would meet the one true love and it would be horrible then.

31

I guess I’ll chime in, mostly because I feel compelled to. Please keep in mind that your post created a very visceral reaction within me, and that any harshness in tone or language is due mostly to that. This is is no way a pitting of the OP, but it’s certainly not all sweetness and light either.

I don’t think you’re being a very good friend to this guy. This situation is the ‘nice guy’s’ nightmare. All you need now is to fall for an abusive crackhead and the scene will be complete.

It’s pretty clear that he thinks that if he hangs in there, there’s a chance. Your own actions reinforce this, whatever you might have said to him. Saying ‘we’re just friends’ while enjoying all of the benefits of a romantic relationship (w/out the sex) is a really shitty way to string someone along. Now, I could be wrong. But assuming he’s a carbon based life-form raised on this planet, I figure the odds favor my theory.

If you’re really his friend, you’ll let him go. Completely. Stop thinking about your needs and wants and consider what is fair. Neither of you can move on like this, so you need to send him away, no mixed messages, no looking back, no hanging out. That sucks, I know. But so does what’s going on now.

Also, I wonder about his relationship with your kids. Kids like order, like to know where everyone fits. What’s their take on things? If they even have the slightest idea of what’s going on, you can bet that they’ve already begun to wonder what things would be like if this guy were their dad. Something to think about as well.

Well, that was cathartic for me, at least. I hope you’ll give thought to what many of us have said here. I know that you want to trust your own instincts, but that’s not always a wise thing to do.

And no, I’d not marry anyone out of friendship alone. But my wife is my best friend and the coolest person I know, and I can’t imagine NOT falling in love with her. Maybe it’s a guy thing.

32

You need to tell the guy, in plain language, that it is never going to happen between you. Period.

This business of saying “it’s understood” is no good. It is not understood, I assure you, unless you have spelled it out in language that is absolutely unambiguous.

Stop using this poor guy.

33

I agree 100% with your post, but I don’t think this will work. Plain language doesn’t do much to combat the impression you get while snuggling on the couch or going out on dates. Actions speak louder than words, and all that.

34

Shit. I’ve BEEN this dude. Happened to me once, in my twenties. It did not end well. She moved away, wanting to remain friends. In what was probably the only bright thing I did towards the end of that relationship, I deliberately threw away he contact information with her new phone number and address where she was moving to seconds after we hugged and kissed for the last time. I still miss her – but it was the smart thing to do to get her out my system.

As men, it’s been culturally reinforced that if we’re paitent, loyal, helpful and THERE – women will come around. Having tried that tactic on a few occassions (but this gets back to another problem I have – preferring to chase rather than be chased and always going for women I know I can’t have), I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not only bullshit but dangerously obsessive bullshit. It brings out a cloying, submissive, acquiesent side of my nature that is largely artificial.

You need to end the physical contact and time alone with each other and be a better friend than THAT. Put it harshly, you’ve done a great job describing what makes this guy a great friend – but what the hell do you do for him? Besides taking his money, time, companionship and withholding sex.

35

You can tell him “we’re only friends” till you’re blue in the face: he’s not hearing it.

He’s hearing the smiles and he’s hearing the way your butt feels against his bestest little pal when you snuggle.

He’s got smoke in his eyes… and maybe you do, too, but a different kind.

You need to change you “body talk”, and that means you have to stop seeing him for a while.

I’m probably an idiot, having said “no” to a guy because the reason he proposed was “that way you won’t have to leave the country” instead of “I love you, I want you, please don’t go.” He probably still thinks I was stringing him all along, when I just wanted to hear “I love you.” What is it you want that this guy doesn’t have? I’m not saying he has everything a woman could ask for, but you oughta give it some thought to what is it you’re looking for. No need to answer me, just food for thought.

36

If I were the guy (and trust me I have been on several occassions) I would want to know the answer to these questions for the sake of my sanity.

  1. Why did you once find me attractive and our sex to be acceptible, but now you don’t? Maybe I wouldn’t like the answer, but then again it might provide me with useful information for the rest of my life. If you were talking to a girlfriend and she asked you why the sex/attraction was not there what would you say? If my wife said “I can’t stand you since you gained a 100 pounds” I would be hurt, but also motivated to get my ass back into the gym (where I used to spend about three hours per day). On the other hand if she said “look your losing your hair and I just can’t get turned on to balding guys” well that’s harder to change, but I would still want to know. Knowing the reason for something goes a long way even if in the end you think the reason sucks.

  2. Why does it seem like when you treat girls/women nice that they like you less? Since about the seventh grade I’ve noted that the punks/creeps tend to get the babes (and their women think they are awesome). In my personal life I’ve noted that when I went “all out” for a girl it often ended up with me getting rejected hard. On the other hand when I’ve played the disinterested Asshole the girls have treated me like a Rock star (at least relatively speaking). Is this some “evolutionary throwback” to the caveman era where nice guys didn’t just finish last, they finished “eaten” and dead, while the “asshole” cavemen were the ones who survived? I used to think it was just “self selection bias” meaning that the guys who were attractive/appealing could AFFORD to be rude (kind of like Brad Pitt being able to not shave and wear crappy clothes and still looking hot). However, now I’m not sure. Most of the guys I know who are not married or in Long Term Relationships from highschool are fairly attractive, and financially secure but they share the characteristic of being REALLY nice guys especially where women are concerned.

37

I think some of you are projecting your personal experiences on this.
What I do for him- cook him big lavish 4-course meals 3 or 4 times a week, do his laundry when I do my own, and he hangs out at my house like it was his own when he needs to as he lives an hour outside of town. Accept him for who he is, make him laugh, make him think, and sometimes I’m the one paying when we go out to eat. I’m hardly using him- the thought of that makes us both laugh.
Just for the record, I spoke to him about the subject last night. I mentioned that since we’re not, you know, taking it to the next level or whatever, maybe he’d be better off not spending so much time with me and try to find the right woman. He laughed and told me to get over myself.

38

So why can’t you at least give him a reason why you are not attracted him, and or the sex is not acceptible? Damm, I can tell you why I prefer the taste of Heinz catsup over Brooks (Heinz is a little sweeter, thicker, and Brooks has just slightly too much tang). I can tell you precisely the things I find attractive and not attractive about my wife and give you the relative value of each (I won’t list them since she may end up reading this thread some day). Fine, I’m probably clinically insane, but don’t you know the reasons for what you think and feel?

39

That was kinda the point of my responses. Doesn’t mean I’m wrong, though.

Okay, I now see want the problem is: he’s fat, you feed him, but you don’t want to have have sex with him. Geez, was that so hard to admit?

You know, if he’s comfortable with celibacy and your current arrangement, who am I to judge? But if you’re honest with yourseelf, I think you’ll realize marrying him is not the answer – your sexual needs not being met within the marriage will likely build up a whole lot of unnecessary tension and potential jealousy that could end up with, mimnimally, someone’s feelings getting seriously hurt. Probably his, by something you will will regret saying or doing.

Change your locks, write him a “Dear John” letter (or talk to him via DVD-- that’s very 21st century) – but free him up for some other lucky woman.

Not sharing everything with him is just being selfish.

40

Read through the thread again- I am NOT considering marrying him. I don’t expect him to be with me forever and remain celibate. We are close friends, and we both accept that and like it. And he’s definitely not fat- at 6’5 he weighs 225, which is a normal weight for his height.
Roland, it’s hard to put a finger on exactly why I’m not attracted to him anymore. It could have something to do with the fact that he’s 17 years older than me. When I was in my mid-20’s he was in his late 40’s, which never really bothered me. But now, I’m in my mid-30’s and he’s in his 50’s, which to me seems too old.
Another thing, and I didn’t want to get into it before, but it might help to explain our closeness and his willingness to be my friend “for nothing”: When we dated 8 years ago, the reason I dumped him was because he’d gotten into crystal meth. He started selling it, and was eventually (long after I’d said goodbye) arrested and went to prison for 4 years. When I found out where he was, I began to write to him and visit. I was his only visitor for four whole years. It was a 3-hour one-way trip, but I did it every couple of months. I was there for him during his darkest time, and I’m sure he appreciates that. When he got out, his support and help transitioning came from me. If I ever found out that he was back to his old ways, I’d be gone like a flash, and he knows that.
It’s really a deep friendship based on loyalty, genuinely liking each other, and helping each other out with our challenges. Yes, I do definitely think that he would marry me and love me forever, but he doesn’t NEED that in order to stay in my life.