I think if you both clearly understand that this is just a friendship thing, then it’s a matter between the two of you, and it doesn’t matter what we think. Everyone should be free to create their own relationships with others as they wish.
The only caution I would have about this situation is how reliant the above sounds. WHat I mean is, you have both (apparently) decided that you don’t see the other as a long term life partner. But the risk is that by creating such an intimate, comfortable dependent relationship, you miss out on situations where you could meet someone who you could see yourself marrying. Are you really creating opportunities to find your mate (dinners with large numbers of friends, joining social/arts groups, asking people out etc), or has this guy replaced all of that with this pseudo-relationship?
You’re in the best position to judge that, and you’re the only one to suffer if you have. BUt if you’re both happy, completely understand the situation, and you’re dating if/when you can, more power to you.
Yes, I do date quite a bit. (He knows but we don’t discuss it.)
Surprisingly, he’s the perfect man for me and we are perfect together, and everything fits except for the non-attraction on my part, and the fact that he’s an excon. I don’t think less of him for it, but I’m realistic enough to know that marraige to a felon wouldn’t be doing myself or my children any favors. Life’s hard enough without creating extra baggage.
When I think of taking some posters’ advice and cutting myself out of his life, it’s just so absurd. No one would be served by that, in the short or long term, and friendship love is still love and why would I throw any love away in this world?
It works for us, and he’s a big boy. He wouldn’t be doing anything he didn’t want to.
Oh, I just thought of this: I’ve been on the other side of being in love with a friend, and we were fairly close. That experience taught me that real love was loving someone even when they didn’t feel the same. You love someone for who they are, not whether they are willing to be with you and only then. Maybe he’s learning this lesson to, it’s not a bad one to learn.
Okay, he’s 20 years older and a felon. Conventional Wisdom says that you shouldn’t marry this guy and as much as I completely detest CW even I am hard pressed to disagree. How about throwing the guy an occassional “bone” until you meet someone who you do want to marry? I’m fairly certain he would be happy with that arrangement.
By the way only a WOMAN could believe that “sympathy sex” was an insult for men. Most guys I know don’t care if you pity them like the Hunchback of Notre Dame if it means a little bit of action. It’s like my hero Dave “The King” Wilson says on WIBC, if women REALLY knew how men think they would simply NEVER stop slapping them!
That statement may be true, but I still think that sympathy sex is a bad idea. Its just the fact that once she’s done it once, a guy will keep on expecting it, and will keep pushing for it.
And when the female becomes firm on this, the guy will become more hurt, because he doesn’t understand.
Yes, but those few times of “sympathy sex” will provide “hand fodder” for restroom fantasies many years in the future. There was a Finnish girl who have me some “sympathy sex” when I was 17. I’m now 35 and still flashback to that one on occassion. If I were 50 and some 30 year old girl did me even occassionally (non withstanding that I’m married and wouldn’t cheat on my wife no matter what) and out of sympathy well, lets just say it would get me through until I was 80 if I lived that long. For that mattter a good deal (okay great deal) of the sex my wife gives me is probably just as much “sympathy sex” as that referenced in the OP. Indeed, I doubt she feels any more attraction for me that does the OP for her felon. And while I would prefer her that it not be “that” way I’ll take it any day over the alternative.
Again, if I’m that guy just tell me what I’ve got to do to get some out of you occassionally. You want to turn out the lights and pretend I’m an especially natural Bob, well fine. You want your house cleaned five times a week and your cat litter changed daily for once a week action. DEAL, I would even throw in dinner at the restaurant of your choice and send you flowers (or not). For that matter I’ll pay for your dates with other guys once a month or so. Again, women just don’t get this usually they can’t get this. It’s Carl Segans flat people exploding into a three dimensional world and trying to tell their two dimensional flat brothers about the experience (from the Cosmos series on PBS) Men want sex, need sex, think sex exponentially more than most women can imagine in most cases (cetaris paribus). It’s why women exert so much more influence over men than they can possibly imagine. I really can’t overstate this. It’s air, life, chocolate and the Eagles Best Albums all rolled into one. It it came down to it most men would give up Golf, Football, Poker, weed, cigars, and The Sopranos for some 30 year old action when they are 50 (even if they didn’t dig the girls personality like the way I bet this guy digs this woman’s). Besides, if someone visited my sorry ass in prison for three years. Well lets just say they would own me. I would be their house elf, their Dobby if you will and it would be up to them if they ever wished to present me with some clothes. Just give the guy a little bit now and then until you meet someone special that’s all I’m saying.
Roland, your dedication to getting your fellow man a piece of ass is admirable, but it just ain’t gonna happen. It would likely lead to things getting much much much worse. Best just leave that alone.
So, when are you marry this guy?
I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself after reading the thread all the way through. Feel free to send over a hired goon to punch me.
Once upon a time there was a really good friend of mine. She was in a fairly bad relationship. Nothing terrible. The guy just took her for granted. I listened to her, gave her advice, tried to build up her self esteem. She was an extremely attractive girl who somehow didn’t realize it. :rolleyes: I even took her out right before she left for college because her boyfriend at the time was out with his friends. I was just there for her. With one or two exceptions, I had always been the “best friend” guy. One friend even told me that I was like her gay man friend. Yeah, that stung a bit.
Anyways, I was so comfortable in the best friend role that I completely missed every bloody signal the girl was sending. It took a couple of friends, and even a couple of people who merely acquaitences, to show me what had happened. She’d fallen for me pretty hard. I was completely blind not to see it. She always compared her boyfriend to me. After she broke up with him, she tried to find men who were just like me. She rarely spoke to them because she was talking to me.
The point is that you may be harming this guy, and yourself without realizing it. Since you have such a close relationship, you may not be forming emotional bonds to others as you feel you need it. You could also be comparing the new people to each other. Even if you aren’t he may be.
As far as the bolded sentences go, I just don’t like the sound of them. Are you that certain of the way he feels? I’m not sure you would have started this thread if you were as sure as you think you are.
Have you really sat down and talked this out, and I mean really hammered this whole thing out? The whole cuddling incident is a pretty big clue as to what he thinks is happening. You need to have a talk in broad daylight over coffee or some other noncommital beverage. Take as much romance as you can out of the situation.
As for the lesson learned, some people simply can’t learn that lesson. You can’t rely on him to come to his senses and just add this to his life experiences. You may not need to completely cut him off, but it sounds like you two should increase the space a bit.
Well, then there is the 5%, responsible, Dr. Laura part of my personality that say says no matter what you don’t let a guy into Meth. around your kid. I don’t care how nice he is unless he has demonstrated true reform in his life (and I’m not sure even then) that its the right thing to do. Of course Dr. L. would say you shouldn’t even probably DATE until your daughter is grown so she tends to really piss most people off 99% of the time with that kind of advice, especially since I don’t know that she can cite research favoring her perspective for child rearing especially on this issue.
:smack: