I think I have something stuck in my eye. That’s really a sweet thing to write.
Well of course.
For pretty much everyone, their own parents are going to be nearly disabled at some age (unless they die suddenly at a young age). So you or your siblings are going to have to be dealing with a largely disable parent eventually. Why should dealing with the same thing in the family of the “love of your life” be any different?
I did.
I should say that my wife has sisters that may take or share that responsibility as well, but when I married her, my wife assumed that she would be the one caring for her brother when her parents pass way.
There's a difference between being old, and being so disabled that you need someone to take care of you. Most of my relatives lived into their late 70s and plenty lived until their late 80s. None of them required someone to to take care of them. They lived independently until the end , which in most cases occurred after a short illness. The rest died suddenly in their sleep
.
It shouldn’t be - but people have different definitions of when a disability is too severe for the person to be cared for at home. My 70 year old mother insists on keeping my disabled father at home. My siblings and I think he should have been in a nursing home long ago. I wouldn’t marry someone whose parent needed that level of care and wanted to care for them in our home - if I think my father needs nursing home care , why would I think differently when it’s the “love of my life’s” parent?
When I got married, this was a very real possibility. His mom was in failing health and as the child with no kids of his own it was extremely likely we would be taking on her care when she could no longer manage on her own. I don’t recall it ever being an issue - it was simply something we worked into the plans. As it turned out she developed lung cancer as second time (went back to smoking after already having one lung removed) and died very quickly so it never came about. 20 years later we are looking at the probablility of getting one of my parents and just sort of working it into the plans in spite of the fact that I’m the least close to my parents. We are, however, the only ones financially and emotionally stable enough to take on the responsibility.
My family has never been the elder care sorts - only one of my grandparent’s eventually went into a home, and that was when she was in her 90’s. She died peacefully about 3 weeks later. There has always been an assumption that as long as it is possible, family takes care of family, even when family members are estranged. We might be the first to challenge that assumption as we have no kids and are not very close to the myriad nieces and nephews. I expect to be eaten by the cats one winter so I suppose that would be much like having the kids take care of you.
I did and my husband did.
He married me knowing my 4 older brothers had muscular dystrophy and has watched the entire decline to the very slow painful end. This may we buried my last brother.
I married him knowing that his father is paralyzed from the nipples down and his mom is disabled from the same accident that happened twenty years ago, two years after we met. I helped him through that quagmire of ER and Long term shit. He is the go-to guy for the maze that is the insurance bullshit ( and he has a voice akin to phone sex, so the women he talks to loooooooooove him.)
It’s been 18 years this year all I have left is an 85 year old mom who ADORES him and ignores everything I say. So, he carries the brunt of two household responsibilities.
More than likely my MIL will drop dead before FIL from wear and tear and then it will be interesting to watch the dynamics between my husband and his sister, who contributes about 20% of relief but gives her Mom 80% more work to do by having her raise her children for her. there is no way in hell he could move in with us (not handicap accessible like his house.) And living in their house, which is possible would result in murder. My FIL is a teabagger.
I give my husband free reign to help his parents anytime in exchange for me or the kids not having to do the every Sunday dinner at his parents house. It is a slice of hell pie.
I did.
My husband’s sister was in a group home but, had anything happened to his parents, we would have been the go-to people for holidays/vacations/medical decisions/etc. She passed away a couple years ago though.
I tend to think that it’s one of those built-in things that comes with marriage though. Most people have parents* and the likelihood that you’re going to be dealing with, “Mom broke her hip” or “Dad escaped from the home again” or even small stuff like driving them to the doctor comes with the territory. You hope to god you never have to move them into your house but if it comes down to it, you just handle it in the best way you can. IMHO.
*I know ALL people have parents in the biological sense. Some people have dead parents though and don’t have to deal with stuff like this. Lucky bastards. 
It wouldn’t bother me. The situations I can think of where it might bother me are if said sibling or parent was someone I really didn’t get a long with, or if I already had major long-term caring responsibilities myself and wasn’t really able to take on extra.
That is really sweet, and it’s also sweet that you’ve kept it so carefully. 
Oh it gets him out of a lot of trouble. Anytime he does something wrong and I am in contemplation about the upcoming punishment phase, his relationship with his sister saves him from any hard groundings. I saved it because like China Guy when I went through his book bag all those years ago and came across his crumpled assignment and read it, I also got something in my eyes. And the great thing is, even all these years later he still has a special relationship with his sister, one many who help her try to mimic.
My God, how selfish are you?!
does your shallowness know no depth?
if you love someone, then yes you are willing to help them care for those that they love. No question, no second thoughts.
does it suck? yes it sometimes sucks.
do you regret it? not in your lucid moments, everyone wallows in self pity sometimes, but JEEZE!
I am that selfish. I already gave my parents fair warning that they are on their own as well so live carefully. I will do some coordination work but we live thousands of miles apart and I have kids to take care of. That is what we have money for. There is no way that I would marry someone that posed that kind of risk even if it wasn’t their fault. I know I have really extreme views this but I my own children are the only people I would help in that manner. In my view, you don’t waste precious resources on the old especially when you aren’t biologically related to them when you have a younger crop that could use those resources much more. I know I sound like the love child of Darwin and Hitler but it makes perfect sense to me.
Who in the world are you talking to?
I agree. There can be a cost to others in the family when you care for someone disabled. I think the most important thing is to have the same philosophy with your significan other of what is too much, whatever that is.
The future MIL of my niece point blank asked if the disease that put her Mom in a wheelchair at 50yo would jeopardize her future grandkids…
.IOW your engagement may be in peril. :eek::mad:
One day my in-laws will be under my power? What’s not to love?
Whenever you marry there is a good chance you will have some responsiblity for your spouse’s family at some point. Most of us get old and need some care before we die. If I was dating someone who had a huge amount of resposibility for a family member it would certainly be a consideration. But then, I marrried someone with a young child, so I walked into the sharing responsibilty with my eyes open.
Not only would I; I did. My wife, along with two of her sisters, take care of a fourth sister who is completely disabled due to MS. She lives with one of the sisters and has in-home care during the day, but my wife takes turns caring for her on evenings and weekends.
I would, with a few exceptions. First, if the person who needs care is enough of a bastard, potentially violent, or mentally unstable in such a way as to make our home life miserable or unsafe for our children, then hell no.
Second, if the care duties are such that it would severely impact our ability to have anything resembling a normal life (ie. having kids, supporting ourselves, NOT the ability to jet off on vacation on a whim), I’d have to think about it long and hard.
Third, and this is the one that makes me an asshole, I’d have a much harder time committing to the care of someone sufficiently mentally disabled that they couldn’t interact as an adult member of the household. Maybe something like that would preclude home care entirely, but I would have a hard time taking on someone who’s both permanently incapable of any independence and unable to carry on a conversation.
It would be something I wouldn’t enter into lightly, but the Fella would be looking at a situation where there was a possibility of me caring for an elderly parent in the future. But then again, that is just as much a part of the package that is missred as the care of two grown children who are autistic is a part of the package that comes with the Fella.
Parent, sure. Sibling…no. Because essentially you’re signing up for a lifetime of helping them out. Sorry, but I want to be there for my parents and his mom in their old age. My idea of a good time is not helping out someone else’s family; I want to provide time for enjoying myself with my other half and our future kids.
But I was very selective in choosing my future spouse. Нis parents are at equal levels of education as mine (first guy for which that was true), his grandmothers are still alive and kicking into their 80’s. Of course the initial attraction had to do with his smarts and his handsomeness but spending the rest of your life with someone should make you think about the drudgery of day to day life.
Just as I wouldn’t be with someone with family issues I wouldn’t be with someone who had children or was divorced or is a smoker. Not a lot to ask in the under 30 dating pool.
And if you have a normal child and a few years later you have a child with a life long disability does your view change about the sibling issue? Sure it isn’t the siblings fault, but can you really hold it against him/her if they care enough to want to help the sibling when the parents pass away?
His parents and your parents share the same level of education or his parents and you? If his parents were blue collar mechanics and he was a neurologist he would have been eliminated from your okay to marry list? I am being honestly curious about where you drew the line.
So if he cheats on you in month one, find out about it after your first child is born, does the future Mr. Bluth get to be a divorcee with children or do your standards still apply? I can respect your choices, and I do respect them. I am just trying to find out that “invisible” line you chose to draw, and if they were stone hard or flexible.