As much as the dope loves a good hypothetical, I’m not sure how “if he cheats” ever entered into this thread. Although your tone is civil, your post and previous posts clearly indicate you don’t respect my choices.
I took a semester off of college a few years ago to care for my grandmother after a nasty fall. It was exhausting. As much as I care for her and love her to this day (she fully recuperated as expected yet ahead of schedule), I could never do that for someone close to my own age for the rest of my life. In marrying someone - in an equal relationship - you assume their responsibility. And it’s not one I would willingly assume.
Then I apologize for being rude? Wasn’t my intention. I fell in love without an application process, didn’t realize how many do it differently. I just always felt love > than family issues on either side of the aisle. It was because I was interested in how you felt marriage related to that so I asked. You have a different outlook, I can respect that without understanding it.
When I was eighteen I felt love was greater than family issues, but my first SO and I could never work out mainly because both families were totally against it. Now in my thirties I have a totally different outlook on things. I understand arranged marriages better, even if I still don’t agree with them on the whole. It’s not just you and him and no one else, and you bet your butt I have an application process. It’s flexible, but taking care of a sibling for life is right out. Hell, I’d never even date a man with kids.
I got lucky – frankly I feel anyone who finds real love is very lucky. I look around and see lots of miserable people in couples and think “shit, I’m just damn lucky.” Trying to fit square pegs in round holes. So I consider you luckier than single people (who are not content being single, I should add). ETA: I also don’t think love equals marriage; building a marriage is about a lot more than love. I was in love before but a marriage would have never lasted between us.
I would care for my own child should they have an accident as I would my future spouse. Without reservation. But you can be sure I’ll be getting tests to see if I’m pregnant with a child with Down’s. And I’m pretty sure I would abort if that were the case. So it’s all about minimizing possibilities.
Further up you asked for clarification on family education levels: our parents all have the same level of education. I consider that extremely important. Not income levels, but education.
My husband and I are both realistically looking at the potential for providing supportive care for both of our moms and stepdads at some point in the future. Our mothers are in reasonably good health, not so much for our dads. When we were looking for our home, we specifically chose one that would fit that potential - one level, a decent outbuilding that could be converted to an in-law suite if the care needs to happen before at least one kid is out of the house, or a bedroom and separate living space that was added for the original owner’s elderly mother, if the caregiving happens later. I will certainly take on any care we are able to, but I know that separate spaces will make the task less trying. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to help when the time comes.
There are limits, though: my stepdad is a big man, and physically, I know that he’ll need skilled care if he becomes much less mobile than he already is. And if something happens that requires that we care for someone in-home, it’s going to be in our home. (Both sets of parents are retired, and live about 2 hours away from us.) I suspect that my MIL will be the one who needs us most, simply because she has never had to deal with the daily details of adult life - her husband takes care of most of it…
As for my husband’s father, I don’t know. I guess Tony will have to decide what level of responsibility we’ll take there. Considering their distant relationship, and the fact that there’s no one else to step in, the compromise would probably be nursing home, but one here where we live. And then there’s Tony’s kid brother, who may someday need extra care due to a recently-diagnosed illness. He can hang out with us any time!
Absolutely not. Whatever the opposite of nurturing is, that’s what I am. I am not about family values. With the exception of my sister, I don’t even like my own family. I sure as hell don’t plan to care for either of my parents in their dotage. I definitely don’t want to care for someone else’s.
Of course, it’s not necessarily the case that I’ll ever find someone I can tolerate long enough to marry them (or vice-versa, someone who can tolerate me that long). Also, I’m not monogamous so I may not ever get maried anyway. So this is just a hypothetical exercise. Still, no interest whatsoever. If I am marrying a person, I’m marrying them, not their family. I would support a disabled spouse, but not their disabled parents.
I suspect that anybody who is the caretaking sort would self-select out of a relationship with me, though. If not, then yes I would rather divorce my hypothetical-future-husband than live with his disabled mother or sibling. That would be a dealbreaking fight for us. Mom goes to a nursing home, or I’m outta here.
I also realize I’m an exception, not a rule, and I don’t apologize for it. Maybe I’m just part-android. That’s definitely possible.
Here’s the only problem I have with this- when you marry someone, you DO marry into their family, and they into yours. If marraige isnt youre thing, in part because of this, thats fine. Something you might want to consider is that you never know if you are ever in a position where you rely on someone to drive you to the doctor, wash your hair, help you up the stairs or even wipe your ass. Are you really going to settle for some stranger? Or someone whose known you for years?
This is why i’d be willing. Because at the end of the day, if I’m crippled/sick/old I’d rather be surrounded by people I know who are going to support me and take it in stride then strangers whose only association to me is my disability.
I don’t expect the hypothetical person I end up marrying to marry into my family. And I don’t expect to marry into theirs. Is it really so difficult to comprehend that other people will expect different things out of a marriage than you do? Why all the recreational outrage? Obviously, someone who has expectations similar to yours would have no business marrying me, nor I them, because we would be incompatible. Family (with the exception of my hypothetical future spouse and kids) is just not special or important to me. Unless you want to marry me, why do you care? My father is a drunken pedophile and my mother is a neurotic, hypochondriac, perpetual victim. I voluntarily have no contact with one, and very little with the other. I don’t have any contact with my extended family other than incidentally or in passing. I have no reason to care about those people. I’m not looking for replacement parents, either; if I decide to marry somebody, I’m *starting a new family *with that person (and potentially with our hypothetical kids). I’d tolerate minimal contact with my in-laws for special occasions, the same way I’d tolerate minimal/occasional contact with my mother. But if a guy is a mama’s or daddy’s boy, we’re not going to get along anyway.
To explain further, some people abhor dependence and would never be a burden like that (unless I’m a vegetable and unable to consent, in which case kill me now). At the same time, I don’t want anybody to burden me like that, unless it’s my husband or kids. This would be discussed prior to marriage, and violation of that agreement (by moving his ailing mom/dad/sister/brother into our home) would be a dealbreaker. Moreover, I intend to provide financially for my own elder care and retirement. Relying on family for that is something in which I have less than no interest.
You may not have the mindset yourself as me (and others like lindsaybluth), but it’s not incomprehensible. This is simple stuff. Leave the RO at home.
Ok…I am generalizing, but a majority of us have some sort of disability that can be apparent and/or not apparent, but we can still function with little to no assistance that is not detectable. For example, vision impairment and auditory impairment affect major portions of people, that can be corrected or improved with glasses/contacts and hearing aids/implants…or just deal with limited/blurry vision and/or hearing loss. I got a little of each going on right now.
But, my most limiting disability, I had knee surgery when I was 13, and already had arthritis in that knee by the age of 25. I was labeled at school as “Handicapped” by the age of 10 and could have received assistance, but I didn’t want the stigma attached to it, so I refused being helped as much as possible because school is not the ideal place for tolerance and understanding among kids in middle and high school. Did I have a disability then even if I was to function without help? Yes…it still hurt like hell having a patella and fibula that liked to pop out of joint and embarrassed when it happened on the playground or football field or at PE…but I managed as best as possible. Some days now (I’m in my upper 40s), I have pain free days and can walk without a limp, and other days, I feel amputation would be the best alternative…but I deal with it. No canes, no crutches, no parking placards…just keep moving rather than letting the arthritis claim my mobility.
I really can’t run for extended periods of time without doing damage to my knee, but exercising on an elliptical helps because there is no impact on the knees like running has. I wish I could snow ski like I did when I was younger (and yes, quite a few times my knee would pop out of joint), but I loved skiing too much. I lost quite a bit of weight and that in turn alleviated some of the knee pain, so much so, I was planning on skiing during that winter, but then I pulled a hamstring that took 3-4 months to heal and then I wasn’t in shape again because I was off the elliptical too.
Ok…now I am just bitching and whining now…but I think I made my point.
Exactly what I came here to post. Well this and the fact that the term soulmate doesn’t mean anything and if you find one person out there that is almost perfect for you there is most certainly someone else out there who would also be almost perfect for you.
I will accept that this may make me selfish, but I’m not living my life to take care of someone else.
Yes, going through the same thing but do not recommend it. I love to travel and go places… His sister likes to stay in her room and cry. It’s a horrible situation.
In families where one person marries someone who has disabled family, I noticed its usually the spouse related to the disabled person doing 99 percent of the care. A lot of people here who didnt want to marry into this arrangement admitted they were selfish with their time, but in real life, that person’s life is rarely comprmised due to a disabled in-law.
Everybody is free to make their own decisions in life obviously, but I’m grateful to have married into the kind of family that would be there for me if I was sick/disabled. Because of that, I don’t see supporting them in the same way as a ‘burden’ or ‘inconvenience’ to my independence/life.
Personally, I would have no hesitation to accept the prospect of a disabled sibling needing to be cared for when the parents are no longer able. In all honesty, it’s not a position I’ll ever be in (husband is an only child).
However, I would not have either of my husband’s parents come live with us. That would be as much for my husband’s mental health as mine. And now that we live in the UK and plan to move around the world further over the next decade, it’s even less likely. We’d pay for the necessary care at the right level, but they have not created an environment where my husband would feel willing to put his life on hold in order to move back and care for them.
A woman on another website said that her husband’s mother was a horrible person, to the point where her husband would stay in a motel whenever she came to visit! :rolleyes: I asked why they would have her in their house if he did this, and she replied, “Because she’s his mother.” I’m guessing they were from an ethnicity where this kind of thing was just the way it is.
So anyway, when her health started to decline, he declared that his mother was NOT going to a nursing home, that she would live with them, oh, and by the way, DW, YOU will be the one to quit your job and care for her full time. This woman said, “No way! If she lives with us, you will be the one to do it.” The husband relented and placed her in a home.
I never had children, and people have asked me what I would do if I became disabled in my later years. Know what? I’d use the money that I was able to save because I didn’t have kids, and hire people to take care of me, that’s what! And if I did have children, I wouldn’t want them to destroy their careers, health, marriages, and relationships with their own children on account of me.
