I used to be a clingy guy. But after getting a lot of feedback, both on my behavior and of guys that acted similarly, I decided to model my actions toward guys that were more successful in attracting women/maintaining relationships. I learned that some gestures that might come across as generous or sweet (like giving gifts/flowers too early) would likely come across as creepy. I encountered individuals that were clingy toward me, and I had a revelation about why I didn’t get second dates in the past.
So I took a different approach- I didn’t act like a total asshole or anything, but rather just made a concious effort not to try too hard, or act too eager/lonely/desperate/etc. Sure enough it worked, and I met my current girlfriend. Through our relationship, however, she occasionally compared my actions and gestures to other guys, and I really got the impression she had this expectation that I would be much more obsessed with her than I was. Make no mistake, I definitely liked her and connected with her on a level I haven’t reached with anyone at this point. But she admitted that she actually liked it when guys acted clingy toward her. This absolutely baffled me- up until then, I didn’t think people were attracted to that. I had explained to her why I acted the way I did.
To clarify, I wasn’t trying to act distant, or ‘tough’. I was just trying to be a little bit more aware of how she might interpret all the little things I did. I suppose I might of overcompensated a bit (not to the extent of not calling her/ignoring her for stretches of time, or anything like that) but I realized that if given a choice, these days I’d actually rather be thought of as too distant rather than too clingy.
People that are clingy are often seen as being somewhat socially inept, or desperate. But people that are a little distant sometimes inspire curiosity. I could be totally wrong here, but was curious about other people’s feelings about clingy vs distant.
Why would I choose either of those things? Perhaps you should try “attentive, but with a life of my own that allows me to amuse myself in your absence”.
Distant. People who are clingy and need a lot of attention to keep them happy are tiring and frustrating. It’s something I’m only just able to tolerate in (older) children, and it’s not acceptable in adults.
It’s one of those things that are not b/w but a scale of grey. What is “clingy” to me would be “too distant” to others and viceversa. I don’t think I could be part of one of those “joined at the hip” couples, but others consider them as the “natural state”. On the other hand, having a SO that doesn’t give me information unless I drill it out of him or a kiss unless I start it would not last at all either.
One thing is that people always want what they haven’t got–your girlfriend may miss some aspects of “clingy”, but she didn’t stay with any of the clingy ones, so clearly it isn’t that attractive to her.
But, as others have said, it’s hardly black-and-white. If she wants you to be bit more attentive and you would enjoy it, adjust. but be prepared to continue to adjust. My husband is probabably the least clingy human being on the face of the planet, and I like that, but there have been days and seasons when I needed more attention, and when asked he always comes through. Which is awesome.
I always liked my ex-wife when she was clingy, except the few times she would call me at work and not want hear it was a bad time to talk.
And I liked her when she was later independent.