Maybe these folks have some pointers?
Would you believe that I never saw that this was resurrected? And that the reason I found it was a Google search about talking to your kids about dad being in jail? My, my, some things never change.
It seems that kalinomad never returned but I figured I would update anyway. I ended up taking the chicken shit way out and didn’t tell him at the time. Well, when his dad got out my son spent the weekend with him (at the grandmother’s house). Of course my ex told him where he had been. I was then branded a liar and and had to rebuild some trust with my son. I decided then I would never lie to my son again. Temper the truth to his age level, yes, but not lie. Any time dad didn’t show up or quit calling or disappeared I would just say “I am very sorry. I do not know where your father is. I know he loves you, and he just isn’t in a place to be able to be the kind of dad he really wants to be for you.” Or some variation of it.
After this last time, he seemed to have straightened himself out and had been holding down a job for almost a year, had a place close to his mom’s and had a car. He even threw $50 my way every once in a while. Apparently he still had a suspended license. He was pulled over for a tail light. He had a bench warrant because during his last stint in rehab he left with six days to go (out of six months). The last time I was at his house I saw an empty beer bottle (I stayed for the entire 45 minute visit). He’s back in jail.
This time I did not mince words. I said “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you won’t be seeing your father this weekend. He still hasn’t finished straightening out the trouble he got into a few years ago and he will be in jail for at least two weeks waiting for court.” My son and I talked. He was bummed but not crushed. I mean, how seriously crushed can you get over a guy that has practically made a job out of disappointing you?
At the end, when the mood was fairly light, I said “And remember this if you ever think about drinking and driving. A DUI can make a problem for your for a very, very long time.” “What do you mean drinking and driving? Dad said he had a speeding ticket he didn’t pay and it started all this.” :smack:
You know, I talked to my son several times about this when it happened, but I guess I didn’t sit down and go over exactly, step-by-step, what had gone on. My son is a very literal person. I cannot use words like “trouble” with him. I have to restate it - your dad hasn’t finished paying for his multiple DUIs. I sat him down and said “I don’t want to overwhelm you or hurt your feelings about your dad, but I want to tell you everything.” And I did. And he was fine.
Is he out yet?
No, he will be there another couple weeks. He has been out for quite a while before this, with stints in rehab/psych.
It’s sad, really. He was a pretty normal guy just working a good, lifelong job and contributing to society and we got married and had a kid and then one day he started drinking and he has morphed into something I don’t even recognize anymore.
That sucks. I’ve seen that happen to people. Some people just can’t drink, ever. Maybe he’ll get old enough to stay out of trouble even if doesn’t stay sober. I hope things work out somehow in the end. I know it’s been rough you, but it could really be hurting your son more than it seems. I have to add something to another thread where I talk about a screwed up friend. I learned not long ago that his father committed suicide when he was young, and I can see all the results of him not growing up with a father, and basically a basket case for a mother. You seem to be strong enough to deal with this and provide the parenting your son needs. Do you have family helping out? I think strong family relationships are a good way to deal with a parent who’s not in the picture.
Oh yeah - I am remarried and his step dad is pretty awesome. He’s very good at being “dad-ish” while supporting the boy in communicating with his father. There’s also my dad and brother, who live a couple hours away but have been there in the past to do some “dad” stuff and celebrate the victories and such.
I do think it bothers him a little more than he lets on, but over the years I’ve consulted teachers, counselors and pediatricians who all declare in one way or another that he seems pretty well adjusted, not even considering the circumstances. After the original incident that prompted this thread we adopted an “honestly only” policy and it has to go both ways. He has to tell me if he’s sad and doesn’t want to talk about it right now (instead of clamming up or refusing to talk to me), and in turn I have to respect that and find a way to discuss it with him later and just give him time. We’ve also made the decision (well, I guess I made it for him early on) that being the kid without a dad (da da daaaaaaa!!!) would not define him his whole life and we just needed to get used to the fact that dad wasn’t around sometimes and it wasn’t anyone’s fault but dad’s.
I feel like I am leaving a bunch out and making myself sound a hell of a lot more stoic and halo’d than I am.
I understand what you are saying but I strongly disagree. This is the beginnings of teaching a child to cover up and keep secrets, which in the long run, make them even sicker! IMHO children should always be told truth, because they usually know it anyway, and in a way that is appropriate at that age.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
The boy is 15 by now and the dad is either out of jail or in for something else, depending on his behavior over the past 9 years.
Agreed. If the OP wishes to continue the discussion, feel free to PM me, and I’ll reopen the thread. But for now, this one’s closed.