Why can’t Jack say “You’re my daughter and I love you no matter what” and keep his mouth shut about his feelings about homosexuality?
He shouldn’t lie, but there is no reason why he should tell the whole truth either.
Because Diane did not ask him “Are you my dad?” She already knows that. She also didn’t ask him “Do you love me?” She asked him “Do you think there’s anything wrong with me because I am a lesbian?” She is in great mental distress and does not need to hear that anything’s wrong with her. If he answers with anything other than “No, there’s not a damn thing wrong with you, and anyone who says different is an asshole,” she will hear “Yes, you’re pretty disgusting, dyke.”
Telling her the truth is elevating his feelings and his moral comfort over her needs. Tain’t fatherly.
I was not speaking rhetorically upthread when I asked Gary T why lying is automatically wrong. I would actually like an answer. Many persons elevate truth-telling to an absolute, mystical virtue, following the Bible or Kant or some other nonsense. I really would like to know why.
It’s always faintly disturbing when I agree with you, Shag. 
More seriously, I left that out not because of any disagreement with the basic idea but because of board rules. Anyway, kicking the stepfather’s ask risks Jack’s going to jail, and Diane, obviously, needs him.
You know me, Skald. I almost always choose the “Other” option in your polls. I almost chose the option of refusing to answer, but decided not to go that route. If I were in Jack’s shoes, and believed as he does (which I do not), I would probably tell the child that I disagree with homosexuality, and possibly that I do not consider it to be in her best interest. However, she is my daughter, I love her, and although I have neglected my duties for most of her life, I intend to do what I can to make that right. At her age, she is immune from spankings, but is subject to grounding/other discipline for violating the rules of my house.
She is not subject to discipline for being who she is. She’s gay, and I’ll have to learn to deal with that. I will not punish her for being gay. I will not insult/demean her for being gay. I will buy/rent her a tuxedo/dress if she wishes to take a date to the prom. All of her dates, male or female, are subject to my approval–which will not be withheld for reasons of gender. All of her dates, male or female, will get to spend some quality time with me while I clean some guns I’ll have borrowed from a neighbor, since I lost all mine in that tragic boating accident. All of her dates will be cheerfully informed that I can be, and if given reason, will be their worst nightmare if my daughter is mistreated. Obviously, the girls won’t have to watch me sharpen any bayonet I might have laying around while we discuss teen pregnancy…but otherwise, same-same. Curfew is 7:30 PM. Well, ok…if my wife insists, curfew is whatever is reasonable given the circumstances…prolly midnight or thereabouts. The wife, now step-mother, has full delegated authority from me to resolve all questions of clothing, makeup, and whether anything should be pierced. In case of dispute, child may appeal to me, but must understand I am likely to find step-mother way too permissive, and require additional clothing…such as that commonly worn by ladies in the Victorian era…as well as two adult male chaperones…so appeal to me should not be taken lightly.
I value honesty pretty highly. In fact, I made a vow to myself when I was 12 years old, after having an argument with my father where he thought I was lying about something (and I honestly wasn’t), that I would never lie again because I didn’t want anyone to ever question my character… That said, at some point my feelings on this have balanced out and I do see the wisdom in sometimes keeping ones views silent. Often times telling the truth or “coming clean” is a way to make the speaker feel better about their feelings, or about what they have done. It doesn’t necessarily do the person being told any good at all.
I do not like lying. In fact, I am a terrible liar, and tend to wear my heart and my opinions on my sleeve. I think it’s pointless to lie to someone’s face when they ask a direct question just because you think it will spare their feelings. On the other hand, there are extreme situations where telling the truth would be, well, heartless. In my opinion, this would be one of those situations. Diane is in a fragile mental state and when she asks that question, she is looking for moral support and love, and that is exactly what she should get.
These types of things come out eventually. Jack can’t hide it forever. He should lie for now and save the truth for when the girl can handle it. Maybe that’s tomorrow, maybe it’s never. But the longer he hides it, the longer his words will conflict with his actions, and the longer she’ll suspect something’s up.
I’ve been thinking about the lying thing, and I feel that those people that value honesty a lot but are willing to bend it (as opposed to those who think it’s the only option, all the time), have been lied to a lot and have been hurt by lies very badly. I hate lying. I’ve been hurt by lies pretty badly.
I’d hope Jack would answer something along the lines of:
“You know what? It doesn’t *matter *what I think. It doesn’t matter what your mother or (soon-to-be-deceased) stepfather think, or what anyone else in the world thinks. As long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, the only thing that matters to me, and the only thing that should matter to you, is that you’re true to yourself, and that you can find a way to be happy. I’m not going to tell you what I think, because from now on, I don’t want you to be concerned with whether I or anyone else thinks you’re weird or gross or messed up. If *you *feel right, if you feel like this is normal and natural for you, then it is. End of story.”
That’s why I voted that he shouldn’t answer the question. But of course, if Diane pressed him for an answer and clearly needed reassurance, then he should lie like his life depended on it.
Then again, I suppose I could have voted he should tell the truth, because I do think this is the most important truth in question here, and it needs to be said to her, over and over.
It’s slightly-off topic, but it’s also my thread and I don’t care.
Several persons have expressed a desire to see the stepfather, if not necessarily dumped in a swamp filled with hungry alligators, at least subjected to a vicious beating. No one seems to have this reaction to Mom. Why is this?
Now that you mention it, the mom has more to answer for than the step-dad. She was supposed to protect her daughter.
Personally, I think that both should be charged with child abuse (though I suspect it’s unlikely to happen). But I’m going to guess that the stepfather is taking the brunt of people’s anger because, as you told the story, he was responsible for the beatings themselves.
Speaking for myself, I’d say it’s because the stepfather was the abuser, while the mother “just” allowed it to happen. Negligence vs. intentional harm.
But I’m admittedly biased, as that was my situation growing up. My mother didn’t condone the abuse explicitly; she voiced her disapproval strongly. But beyond that, she basically threw up her hands and said, “Well, what can I do?” I hated them both with a burning passion, but it was only ever my father who I felt should be subjected to some awful torture. As for my mother, I just felt she should have her kids taken away from her forever. (And sadly, neither happened.) She didn’t actively abuse us, and didn’t *want *us to be abused, but neither did she protect us.
However, as I look again, the mother in this situation does seem to be actively encouraging and approving of the abuse, and possibly instigating it, if she knew her husband would respond violently when she ratted out Diane. So on second thought, the alligators can have her, too.
As I recall “Oranges Are the Only Fruit,” the minister directed the exorcism/humiliation/beating more than he did it his ownself. Haven’t seen it in twenty years, though, which is distressing in about five ways.
What kind of world is it that we live in that Charlotte Coleman dies at 33, and Andie McDowell is still walking around free? The gods hate us.
Sorry, haven’t seen it. I was making assumptions about what happened. Still, if he was personally directing what happened, I still hold him primarily responsible for it.
It’s fairly obscure, so don’t feel bad. I was just free-associating because I’m a whackjob.
Anywhistle…I would agree that his guilt is greater than Mom’s, if not for the fact that she ratted out Diane in the first place, and is Diane’s Mom. If Jack had lived in the same country and known about the incident, he’d not be blameless either.
One advantage of lying is that it might eventually become the truth. Jack might actually come to see that homosexuality is not a sin. Or even disgusting.
I go with other: tell her the truth but not the “I think teh gay is icky” truth exactly (or, with qualifications at least). Tell her that he loves her, apologize and ask her forgiveness for not being there for her, and admit that he has a prejudice against homosexuality but he realizes it is a prejudice and since it is not based in religious baggage he will educate himself and work his way through it if she will work her way through his abandoning her for the past 3 years. And tell her that the rules are the same for her as for any other 15 year old: curfews, no spend-the-night-company, and he’s not really sure whether England has any lesbians.
It breaches trust when revealed. I’m not saying one should never lie or that there’s never any justification for it, but I think it’s wise to avoid it whenever possible.
In revisiting the OP, I question whether Jack’s admitting he thinks there’s something wrong would necessarily result in another suicide attempt, as it appears many in this thread believe. I see a big difference in context between his making an overseas trip and readily accepting her to live with him, and the actions of her mom, stepdad, and girlfriend. Being beaten, scorned, betrayed, and kicked out of one’s home sounds like enough to drive some people to consider suicide; I’m not sure that being told one is wrong in some way amidst an otherwise loving and helpful scenario would have the same effect.
This.
Edited to add: He must tell the truth now; she already knows ‘hey people think what I do is wrong’. That is always going to happen to EVERYone, over one thing or another; that’s fine.
What she NEEDS to hear is ‘Hey, I think it’s wrong, not unforgiveable’. Everyone…kids especially…need to hear that it’s ok to be wrong, different, whatever, and that it doesn’t mean the end of the world.
Besides, it’s not as if the father’d be able to hide his opinion any longer than 3 seconds, anyway.
What’s the point of lying at the outset ? Kids also need to learn to accept their parents, regardless of whether they approve…as long as they still love.
This reminds me of a Colin Firth movie where his long lost daughter shows up in England. I hope he falls in love with his daughter and can lay aside his prejudice. When he tells her how he feels about it he should do it in a way that leaves the door open for him to change his views.
I would try to formulate an answer like one of these. (This didn’t seem to be a poll option so perhaps my poll response should be “Klingon scum”! 
)
BTW, in terms of my own prejudice I’ve felt male homosexual love is “icky” but lesbianism isn’t; indeed that I might be a lesbian if I were female! Am I abnormal?