I just finished a book (The Evening Class Maeve Binchy) in which a character changes her life after her friends tell her (at her request) what they feel are her major character faults. The character fixed them, and wham, bam, her life turns around. OK, so it’s fiction.
However, the question beckons. We all know that we are our greatest critics. (Well, everyone except Pauly Shore…) And I have recently come to the epiphany that the image I have of who I am is radically different than how other people see me. They see half of the bad stuff about myself that I see. And I think that’s pretty standard. In hearing what people thought were my faults, I might be surprised that what I see as huge character faults aren’t visible, or important, to others.
So would you Dopers like to (and PLEASE don’t start in this thread, thank you very much) hear from those nearest and dearest what they think your faults are? Sort of a high intensity tough love therapy? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rushing out and begging my family to hit me below the belt, but just the concept that negative feedback could cause positive change is a new one for me. Anyone?
I’m one of those people who got told early, and often that all would be well if he A: lost weight and B: “Just cheered up.”. I got told this when from the time I was 12 on. Add in some of the old “You’d be smart if you tried.”, and I can tell you I’d rather the lot of them just shut up and ignored me. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I’ve been in this situation where all I heard was negative crap.
I don’t want to hear what others think are my problems. While I may have faults, I don’t see where I need to change to fit into other peoples little boxes. I’m a nice, well educated guy, who can discuss a lot of topics in person and doesn’t bore people. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m reasonably handsome, and people dont’ exactly run in terror.
Not sure if this addresses the OP, but it’s my opinion.
Yeesh, I wouldn’t want that. I’m not sure about one being one’s own greatest critic. I think we all have faults that we view as major that others might not even notice, but conversely I think we also have faults that we don’t notice that others find to be major. I prefer to live with the blissful ignorance that only my perceived faults are noticeable. My ego is fragile enough as it is. I don’t need to be told I have problems that I wasn’t yet aware of.
Good LORD, no—for once Mr. Cynical and I have to part company.
I already know my own faults too well, and my friends know theirs. I would never dream of telling my friends that they’re too lazy, take the easy way out, are emotionally immature, lie their heads off . . . Gee, I have some pretty sucky friends, now that I come to think of it . . .
No thanks. Been there, done that. In retrospect, I did learn something useful – namely, that my college roommates were a bunch of small-minded prudes, and I didn’t have to take their word for everything. But at the time it felt like hell.
I suppose if it were somebody I genuinely respected, and there was a chance the stuff they were pointing out would affect me professionally, I might want to hear it. Otherwise I’m perfectly willing to live with my own faults, and I certainly trust myself to figure out what they are much more than I trust anybody else.
I would have to say yes. I don’t think I would be knocked for any loops by what I heard since I have a pretty good idea of my strangths and weaknesses. I know what the most important people in my life think of me, so no worries there. I just think it would be interesting to see how I come across to others. I doubt it would change me much, and I know it wouldn’t offend me.
And, for all the people who have posted above me, I truly think you are all very neat.
So the question is, do I want other’s opinions of me? Are these subjective or objective?
IOW, are we talking about “I think you suck at X” or “you misspell the word repeatedly?”
Because subjective stuff I can mostly do without unless it’s nice (I do not care to hear that I should cut my hair, in your opinion. I do care to hear that I’m not the nastiest thing on two legs). Objective stuff I can take, mostly.
However, most of what people tell me about myself is their perception, or their opinion, which sometimes I can do without. Especially when it’s not a favorable opinion and biased against me.
Sure, I wouldn’t mind. I know I’m far from perfect, and would love to know what I need to improve on. My skin can be rather thick when I need it to be, and I haven’t had a good reaming-out of myself in quite a while, so p’raps I’m due.
Anyway, Swiddles, if you want to hear about your faults, I’d love to tell you over dinner one night.
I think that I have heard many of my “faults” from people, and did ok with it.
True that what I might consider a HUGE character defect might not even register with someone else- of course, I always have judged my insides by your outsides- getting better though.
I can take it, bring it on! As long as it’s coming from a loving place, and it’s not just a flame.
Would I want to know? Absolutely. Would I ever be likely to tell? No. What I want for me, and what my friends want for themselves can be completely different, no?
I still love you, Eve. The Bung-studded pinealow remains vacant.
I would say “yes” but my friends and I make pretty certain to be always honest with each other all the time. If an opinion is unsought, it’s given with care, and we all know each other well enough to know that we’re not trying to make each other feel like shit, we’re just making a point that might not have been considered. If an opinion is asked for, same thing. Sometimes feelings might be hurt, but we’re all in agreement that the truth is better in the long run than little white lies.
I dunno, I had a friend who was always offering me her frank viewpoint on my shortcomings, always in the interest of “this is what friends do” and “I care about you.” I found that it started to really wear on me–partially because I’m a wimp, and partially because it was actually manipulative bullshit on her part, trying to get me to be meeker and more in her shadow. Based on that experience, I have a hard time taking criticism like that as anything but destructive. A big, big part of being a good friend, coworker, neighbor, etc, is to be accepting of others’ quirks. Not to dwell on them, much less bring them up for discussion.
My spouse and I bring up this sort of thing only when the personal shortcoming is having a negative effect on our relationship. My boss brings up my shortcomings only when it is having an effect on my work. And so on. That’s sort of the standard I accept for bringing up someone else’s warts. It’s just a different perspective–I realize that others thing outright honesty is better.
Also, it can be just as valuable to share what is GOOD about someone instead of the bad. I won an award earlier this spring from an organizaton I joined. The woman who awarded it gave me a few of the ballots where people described why they chose me. It was really heartening to see the good that others saw in me–because it wasn’t just the stuff that I liked about myself, or stuff that I would have guessed they’d cite. And while it didn’t give me a list of things to improve, I suspect it did have a positive effect because it made me want to put those good traits out there more often, knowing they were appreciated.
I guess it’s not inconsistent, then, to report that hearing my spouse say “God you have a luscious rack” does more for my self-esteem than “You need to work on your body image, you’re too neurotic about it”
Yes. Feedback is always good. If you want your life to be better than it is today, feedback is mandatory. A “no” answer is nothing short of saying “I don’t give a damn what other people want or think.”
I’m with ChrisCTP. There’s a limit to how much obnoxious behavior my friends and family would put up with before letting me know I’m bugging them. I don’t have to solicit such opinions; they’re given for free. My mother, in particular, has never had a critical thought about my appearance or behavior that she left unvoiced. (But I love her enormously anyway.)
I also wouldn’t do it because it implies, to me, that I would be willing to change myself to meet the expectations of other people, which I’m not. I am far more critical of myself than anyone else ever could be, and if I’m (more or less) happy with myself as a person, then that will just have to be good enough for everyone else. In other words, I think self-improvement is an introspective endeavor; I try to fix the faults I see and I try not too much about other people’s opinions.
Last sentance should read “try not to worry too much”.
Bill, there’s a world of difference between not giving a damn what other people might think of us and actively soliciting a laundry list of our faults. It seems to me that few people can get through life without others volunteering their opinions, without adding the painful exercise of asking someone “near and dear” to criticize them in the name of self-improvement.
La, la, la,la, la, la…
I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you…
La, la, la,la, la, la…
(repeat indefinately)
I’ve had my share of opinions. I’ve been told over many years that I should “pick another career while you’re still young” to variations on -wow, you’re SO talented… And not neccessarily in that order. I was like a rollercoaster for the longest while, listening to everybody’s 2¢.
Cliche as it is, I’ve learned to be my own worst critic. Not that I don’t listen to other’s opinions, I’m just a hell of a lot choosier on who’s opinion I listen too.
