This thread allows you to pick a famous author or work and write a rejection letter to him/her/it.
Example:
Dear Mr. Shakespeare,
We are returning your manuscripts for As You Like It and Much Ado About Nothing. We didn’t and it was.
Dear Mr. Roget,
We are afraid your submission was long-winded, verbose, voluminous and excessive.
Dear Mr. Bradbury,
Unfortunately, due to an unforeseen accident we are unable to return your copy of Fahrenheit 451. Regrets.
Dear Mr. Wells,
“The Invisible Man” is not the sort of thing our readers wish to see.
Ms. Rand,
Shrugging, our publisher, Charles Atlas, said he saw no market for your book.
Thank you,
Viking Books
Dr. Mr. Lovecraft,
We must reject your submitted manuscript “The Call Of Cthulhu” as we only deal in fiction.
Your manuscript will be returned by messenger.
Regards,
Weird Tales Editor in Chief F.Wright.
Mr Heller,
Thank you for submitting “Catch 22” to us. However at this time, we do not publish “pop” fiction. If you wish to submit less popular fiction, please do so. But we don’t publish books that don’t sell.
Dear Mr. Burroughs,
Find enclosed your story “Tarzan of The Apes”. Unfortunately, this does not fit our requirements for publication in our magazine.
We wish you success in finding a publisher.
Editorial Staff, Swinging Life Stories.
Dear Mr Le Carre,
Your rejection letter can be found behind the third brick from the postbox on the usual street.
Dear Mr. Beckett,
Unfortunately, your manuscript does not suit our needs at this time. However, we invite you to try again. Fail again. Fail better.
Dear Mr. Lovecraft,
With regrets we must return your most recent story which we have been unable to review due to the mysterious disappearance of two of our editorial staff and institutionalization of our chief editor from a recent nervous condition. Our apologies for the inconvenience and the ichorous stains on the cover of the manuscript. We wish you well in your continued literary endeavors but please submit further manuscripts only to our competitors at Weird Tales.
Best Regards,
Mort Weisinger, Publisher, Strange Stories
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Dear Mr. Asimov,
We have reviewed your submission, Foundation, for publication but unfortunately feel that it has no future. We recommend you avoid the science fiction or mystery genres and focus on romance or Gothic horror as better ventures for your literary ambitions.
With Most Sincerity,
Random House Publishers
Stranger
Dear Mr. Clarke,
We find your views on the advancement of human spaceflight and computer technology to be pessimistic, and fear that your novel will be very badly dated by the time the titular year comes to pass.
Perhaps try setting it in the nearer future, or if you insist on setting it in the next millennium for aesthetic reasons, show the technology that would more realistically have been achieved in that far off date.
Thank you for your submission, and we hope you take these gentle critiques to heart,
Chief Editor, Hutchinson & Co.
P.S. In light of possible movie adaptations, please consider changing the setting to a location that can be more easily created by a special effects team.
Dear Mr. Orwell,
I am afraid you misremember our supposed acceptance of your prior submission. You see, the publisher has always rejected your manuscript and has always accepted the manuscript of Mr. Huxley. Our Recdep doubleplusassures us this is certainly the case.
if you wish to dispute this, you are invited to lodge your complaint in Room 101.
O’Brien, editor.
Dear Mr. Poe:
A talking raven? Nobody will buy it, and neither will we. Regards.
Nevermore!
Stranger
Comrade Pasternak: Way too bleak and way too long, but if you could introduce me to Comrade Lara we could make beautiful borscht together.
There is no market, Mr. Seuss,
For oddish works and trippy tales.
So sorry, but it ain’t no use,
We can’t foresee a sea of sales.
Dear Mr Salinger,
Since our publishing house generates significant revenue from the publishing rights to Charles Dickens’ Davis Copperfield, we do not believe your novel submitted in keeping with our philosophy.
PS. They fly south for the winter, stupid
Dear Mr Vonnegut,
We cannot complete our review of “Slaughterhouse Five” as the manuscript vanished from our desk.
Mr. King,
While your novels of the supernatural and horror lead the best-sellers list, we frankly find the subject of your latest submission, Rage, to be so preposterous as to be unmarketable.
Let my editorial team be clear: No one in their right mind would expect a normal teenage boy to bring a rifle to school with the intention of shooting teachers and students, and no one would believe a story based upon such a premise, much less invest their hard earned dollars in such a book. It is easier to believe a small backwoods Maine town gets taken over by vampires without anybody knowing than this latest wild, and frankly irresponsible, idea of yours.
To this end, we cannot publish this under the Stephen King moniker as it would result in a negative impact to our corporate brand, and suggest you… if you insist on releasing this silly piece of dreck… use a pseudonym instead.
With regrets,
Simon & Schuster
Dear Mr. Joyce,
What the everlasting fuuuuuuu…?