Dear Mr. Chaucer:
While we appreciate the submission of your recent “Tales”, we feel there’s no market for such an archaic collection. It would simply require too much editing to make it comprehensible to modern readers. Perhaps someday, when you update your language skills…
Dear Sir,
I received your submission and took it upon myself to update my Canterbury Tales references. However, tax and marital law required me to put everything in the name of my pseudonym, as to shield my assets from that Bathian wench.
Below, please find a link to my revised submission.
Sincerely,
Geo… I mean, Dan
'We cannot accept the manuscript as submitted as it doesn’t meet our editorial standards. For example, you may not be aware of this, but appears the last sentence in this book is part of the first sentence.
Because of this and the other errors, I am enclosing our style guidelines, printed at much expense by the Company, so you may mold the work into an acceptable form.
Thank you,
Mr James ‘S. A.’ Corey,
Your book reads too much like a TV show and therefore does not meet our literary standards. Thank you for your interest.
Dear @Dr_Paprika,
Your submitted manuscript thread has been found to be unacceptable for publication. We have however forwarded your work to our partners at the Cafe Society and wish you luck with your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
MPSIMS
Dear Mr. Hemingway:
Our concise review is: “Manuscript received. Never read”.
Dear Dr. Tolkien,
Our 8-year-old asks, “Why couldn’t the eagles just fly the Ring to Mount Doom? That would save a lot of time and cause less alarum.”
Yours in Felowship &c.
To: the Honorable Custodians of the Literary Estate of J. G. Ballard
From: Ronald Reagan Presidential Library,
40 Presidential Drive, Simi Valley, CA
Sirs:
We strive to curate the most extensive archive possible of our 40th president and his times. Our archive holds over 60 million pages of documents, over 1.6 million photographs, a half million feet of motion picture film and tens of thousands of audio and video tapes. Yet despite this exhaustive commitment to inclusion, in no way can we accept your signed addition of Why I Want to Fuck Ronald Reagan.
Sehr geehrter Herr Kafka,
thanks for the manuscript of “The Castle”. We have to inform you that to apply for publication, you first have to personally register at our office in the town of Neustadt. Please first fill in the attached forms A, B3 and Y4 and send them back to us. Be sure to be at our office on December 8th of this calendar year, 8 AM. Expect to be staying at Neustadt for some time for the application. We can recommend the local inn for your stay. We are a generous institution, but we find it strange that your draft ends mid-sentence, so be prepared for a long approval process.
The council of Neustadt publications.
Geisel,
Your book’s not for us, it just must be said. We hope it gets published before you are dead.
Hard Case Crime
Dear Mr. Twain:
We are returning the manuscript of your novel, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. We have numerous objections, including: the main character, which had been introduced in your family-friendly Adventures of Tom Sawyer, will likely lure underage buyers to this darker work, damaging our reputation as a publisher. We also object to your use of vernacular and slang, which coarsens the tone of the novel. The plotline of the main character helping the slave escape violated the Fugitive Slave Act, which was a Federal law during the time period of the story. Finally, the anti-Christianity tone of the entire work is an insult to our millions of readers.
Despite the many flaws, we found several of your minor characters and storylines to be humorous and well written. We suggest you discard the main storyline, focus on the more humorous elements, and lighten the overall tone We believe these changes would ensure Mark Twain’s reputation as the greatest humorist in American literature.
Yours Sincerely
Sir Doyle:
I must pass on your submission. It spent way too much time on the detective character and his friend; I would have preferred focusing more on other characters. Also, that scene at Reichenbach Falls was off putting.
Dear. Mr. Twain:
Who cares how far a frog can jump?
Regards.
Dear GUINNESS,
Thank you for your book of “World Records”. A majority felt your book might inadvertently give aid and comfort to terrorists. Accordingly, we are returning your manuscript.
Of particular concern was the entry “most unusual diet” where one individual ate an entire airplane. On my last flight, the guy beside me started eating a seat belt. I fear that with your encouragement and another five years he could have seriously jeopardized the safety of the plane and its passengers. Our legal department advised us not to pursue publication.
Dear Messrs Siegel and Shuster:
After reading the opening story of your character, we find the idea of a significant portion of the population of an entire planet not believing well-respected scientists regarding the imminent destruction of their planet to be beyond ludicrous.
Mr. Hemmingway:
If I wrote this badly, I’d just shoot myself. Try again.
Dear Mr. Poe,
We don’t understand why you can’t find our letter of rejection. We’re sure that if you just search the usual locations it will make itself known.
To: Edward Gibbon, FRS
Focus group research strongly indicates that our readership prefers upbeat subjects. Please revise your history of the Roman Empire to include a happy ending accordingly, for our further consideration.
M. Luther:
In placing the typeset, we discovered that theses #'s 96-107 could not fit on the ordered two pages. Given that these were nothing but praises for His Holiness, The Church, and the Roman Curia, we felt it safe to remove these extraneous passages from your otherwise well thought-out criticisms of the use of indulgences to fund Roman softness.
I’m sure your blameless career will be shield enough should Leo X ever try any mischief in retaliation.
Look for delivery in 3 days time.
In God’s Name,
Maximus Fuhler,
Wittenberg Broadsheets
October 28th, 1517
Mr Heidemann, The editorial board are well aware of your obsession with Nazi memoribillia and consider that it has clouded, nea compromised your judgement. These manuscripts sourced from your little mate Kujau don’t pass the sniff test. You have been sold a pup and we aren’t buying it.
F. Schmidt, R. Gillhausen & P Koch
Editors in Chief, Stern.