Dear Mr. Swift,
We simply can’t condone eating babies.
Dear Ms. Jackson,
We are returning your manuscript for The Haunting of Hill House. At this time, we are only accepting works provided by British authors.*
We do, however, have feedback for your tale. The nascent romance between Eleanor and Luke needs to take center stage, and less focus on trivial events and inner dialogues will improve your novel considerably. This will also lead to a happier ending, which the majority of our readers expect.
Regards,
Judy Burgess, editor
Harlequin Enterprises Ltd
*This was indeed true until 1975
Dear Ms. Jackson,
We are not able to publish “The Lottery” at this time. However, if you will meet us in the town square on the solstice, we would like to discuss some of your other stories.
Hey Billy!
WTF is with this Hamlet shit? ENGLISH, motherfucker: do you write it? If not, fuck off!
Editorial Staff at QT Prods.
Dear Ms. Dorothy Parker,
We have decided to return your manuscript. In marketing tests, it came in as a poor fourth place. The winner was a compilation of the poems of Edgar A. Guest.
Yours truly,
P.S. And the results are in on your Wassermann test. You failed.
Dear Mr. Haldeman,
We would expect that a manuscript titled The Forever War to be expandable to at least a trilogy. As it is, we see little profit, tie-in, or franchise potential from this work.
Sincerely, etc.,
My dear Mr. Watterson,
Regarding your comic strip, A Tiger and his Boy, the world needs another smart-mouth-kid comic strip like I need a third eyeball or an additional elbow. If you can do something with just the tiger, we might be interested. And for God’s sake, make a better title.
Mr. Alvin Hobbs
King Features/Universal Syndicate
Dear Mr. Baum,
Your story featuring an attractive, innocent, pubescent girl going on an adventure with three costumed middle-aged men is fundamentally disturbing. The book is rejected, and we strongly suggest you seek professional help for your inappropriate fantasies.
Mr. Dodgson,
With regret I must inform you that we decline your submission as our magazine only publishes poetry written in English.
Stranger
lol. I’m certain you picked “Neustadt” because there are like 20 of them in Germany. 
Dear Mr. Wodehouse,
We are returning the manuscripts of the numerous novels and short stories you recently submitted to us. While we are suitably impressed by your prolific output, we find serious flaws in your work that render it unsuitable for publication.
Your chosen settings are inexplicably archaic and would be incomprehensible to anyone outside of Edwardian-era Britain, which is to say, to anyone still living today. We note with dismay that you also felt the need to characterize all of English aristocracy as feeble-brained imbeciles, which would not endear you to our readers.
Worse still, in one of your recurring themes the personal manservant of one of these imbeciles is a gentleman of great intellect, wisdom, and education. What would prompt such an exceptional individual to stoop to being the personal attendant to a hapless idiot defies imagination and is unrealistic in the extreme. Moreover, the inclination of pretty young women in your stories to be attracted to these ineffable half-wits is equally beyond the bounds of belief.
We wish you success in your literary endeavors but we see no market amongst our readership for this kind of material.
Regards,
Herbet Jenkins
Barrie & Jenkins, Publishers
M. Wells:
As for your book “The Time Machine”, we shall let you know of our decision when we get around to it.
Yeah, that’s what I was going for 
.
Dear Mr King,
Thank you for your latest manuscript, but FFS we haven’t even finished reading the previous one yet. Bug off, already. Frankly, you pretty much ran out of good ideas after The Shining. The well ran dry years ago, but you’re still pumping away like there’s no tomorrow. You’re worth $400 million, FFS. Take a break. Our office is so filled up with manuscripts we can barely find the door, and most of them are yours. We’ve taken to publishing them without reading them, and our reputation is taking a hit. Go away.
Regards,
Simon & Schuster
ETA: “Herbet Jenkins” in my previous submission should be “Herbert”. Herbert Jenkins was Wodehouse’s long-time publisher on the UK side of the pond, where the books had different covers and, in some cases, different titles than their US counterparts. Wodehouse himself actually spent most of his adult life in the US.
Dear Mr. Puzo
After consultation with our new business partners, we have decided to rescind acceptance of your manuscript. Although your advance has been paid in accordance with our previous agreement, I’d consider returning it, if I were you.
Dear Mr’s Hamilton, Madison, and Jay:
We are returning your manuscript of “The Federalist Papers” as being seditious. We look forward to an end of this experiment in democracy and a return to government led by those whom the Almighty in his infinite wisdom appoints as royals to rule over us.
Dear Mr Chaucer
Thank you for the submission of your short story anthology. Unfortunately we feel that your particular brand of crude humour and low-level pornography may be better suited to the vanity publishing sector. We also note that the manuscript contains a significant number of spelling errors which you may wish to correct ahead of any future publication.
God:
My apologies, but we must reject your submission.
We find the manuscript confusing. There is no real plot. Sometimes it reads like a supernatural tale, sometimes a historiography, sometimes a list of rules needed for a pre-scientific society to establish an identity, sometimes… as in the the Psalms section… it delves into poetry.
Book 2 starts with not one but four repetitions of the same biography, then you took a simple afterward and blew it up as well. To confuse the reader even more, a completely bizarre epistolary section was included, which only one of our editors was able to crack - apparently various people are being sent to jail over an extended period of time in multiple nations and they’re writing to each other? Is that what’s going on here?
(An appendix… like in Dune would be a fantastic help, btw…)
And then… well, in the copy I got. The copy my senior editor got was missing this section… And then it ends with this bizarre chapter about horseman and fire lakes and reigns of Jesus forever and ever, Amen, just as Randy Travis proclaimed.
Regardless, the time for Dave Eggers imitators is over and in today’s market this manuscript is quite unfit for publication.
In the manuscripts defense, it did have its defenders, creating quite the… if I may pun… holy war in our office. To be fair, you may have better success with Vatican Publishing.
Thank you,
Tor Books
Dear Dr. Reuben,
I received your manuscript for Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex. I was expecting blank pages. No thank you.
Sister Mary Elephant
Vatican Publishing
Dear Mr Carnegie,
Thank you for the submission of your self-help manual. Regrettably, we remain unconvinced of its and your suitability to be associated with our publishing house. Please do not contact us again.