And besides, most of the plays and poems seem to be nothing more that famous quotes strung together.
(How I wish I could claim authorship for that gem!)
Dear Mr Hitler
We’re sorry to say, that we receive dozens of ‘Depressed Art Student Rants at the World’ outpourings every week.
Hope the therapy works out for you.
Mr. Wright,
Your submission of Gadsby was a topic of much humor at O. Mission Publishing, in particular amongst our proofing group, who had a good laugh…but, though it was aspirationally and lipographically striking, it just isn’t for us. Sorry.
Good luck, and thank you.
Francis Noë
Brilliant job on that dispatch although it looks as if it is missing a bit. I can’t put my phalanx on it.
Dear Mrs. Child
The editorial staff has tested a number of recipes from your cookbook. While we enjoyed them, we believe your focus on French cooking will not appeal to the average American homemaker. Perhaps a better approach would be to include a handful of recipes for “formal dining” along with more popular casserole, meatloaf, and fried chicken dishes.
Dear Mr Doyle
We have examined the manuscript submitted by you.
From your hurried, sloppy, barely legible handwriting it is obvious that you have had medical training, while the sharp, crooked strokes on your serifs suggest that you have studied in Germany. The large spaces between the line indicated a man who is open-minded, naïve and dare we say, credulous. Furthermore, the irreverent loops in your signature denote a non-believer.
We are forced to reject your submission.
P.S. We find the way you delivered the manuscript: wearing an obviously fake beard, an eyepatch and speaking with a poor imitation of a Cockney accent, pretending to be some kind of sailor, to be highly odd and suspicious. Please do not contact us again.
Dear Mr Martin,
Here at Harper Voyager we prefer to publish book series that actually have an end, and do not tail off without a satisfactory conclusion. Therefore, we decline your manuscript A Song of Ice and Fire. Maybe you should talk to a television producer …
Thanks for your interest.
That could be a form letter addressed to Mr. Anthony.
Dear Miss Austin,
I have read most of the novel which you sent to us for our consideration, and I’m afraid it simply won’t do. It does not have sufficiently interesting subject matter.
We are presently in the midst of the greatest war our nation has ever fought, against Buonaparte, and all Europe is in a turmoil. Our armies and navy have fought in many battles, of which we read daily in the news papers. Many thousands have fled from Europe to England, and are destitute with no means of support. The price of foodstuffs has doubled within only a few years, and the Corn Laws have given rise to riots in the streets. The anti-slavery movement is very active, and Catholics in Ireland and elsewhere are pressing for the Penal Laws to be abolished. Many have been the vociferous debates in Parliament, and the Whigs are calling for our whole system of voting to be reformed.
I do not believe that in these eventful times anyone will be interested in reading of minor love affairs, tea parties, balls, and paltry family concerns in small English villages.
If you wish your novels to be read by posterity, I advise you to write on more imaginative subjects. Perhaps you could try your hand at outlandish so-called Gothic tales, such as those of Mrs Radcliffe, or dramatic narratives addressing social ills, such as those of Miss Edgeworth, which I am certain will continue to be read and admired by future generations.
Yours sincerely,
< golf clap >
Stuck the landing, @GreenWyvern. Good job!
Dear Monsieur Proust:
While we appreciate your attention to detail, would it be too much to ask if you could submit your entire novel by next month? Yes, I know that The War caused you to postpone your work, but it’s now 1924 and I would hope we could wrap this whole thing up.
Le Livre Publishing
Dear Mr. John Snow:
We are returning your manuscript On the Mode of Communication of Cholera. We believe your unilateral action in removing the Broad Street pump handle to be a strike against the freedoms of right-thinking Englishmen everywhere.
Dear Mr. Adams,
We regret that we cannot publish your collected “Strsight Dope” columns as “dope” is a slang for illegal drugs and could confuse readers.
Cordially,
Ballantine Acquisitions
Mr. Tolstoy -
Its one or the other - not both.
Try again.
Dear Mr. James Fenimore Cooper:
We are returning your manuscripts of The Leatherstocking Tales.
Space does not permit a full description of the reasons for our rejection.
Mark Twain (Samuel Longhorn Clemens).
Today’s 
Dear Mr. David Foster Wallace,
Re: Your submission, “Infinite Jest”
Is this some sort of joke?
dear mr cummings
we find your lack of capitalization
and indeed of most punctuation
in your poems to be highly tedious
and annoying not cute or inspired
also despite your bohemian
beatnik image we find
that you are an ardent supporter
of senator joseph mccarthy
in addition the ethnic slurs
and embarrassing eroticism
in much of your poetry is odious
therefore we find you and your work
reprehensible
Mr. Danielewski,
We must r
e s
j u
e b
c m
t your i
s
s
i
o
n at this time.
Regrets,
WTF Publications