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Dog 1: A noise! Intruders! Bark Barrrrrrkkkk bark bark
Dog 2: Barking! Something’s going on! Bark Baaaaarkk bark bark
Dog 1: Oh! Dog 2 hears it too! Bark Bark BarkBark Bark!
Dog 2: Wow! Dog 1 is still barking, this must be big. BARRRRRRKKKK!
Dog 1: Something’s wrong with the food Lady! The food lady is yelling! Intruders! Protect food Lady!! Bark bark bark!
Dog 2: Yelling! Barking! This is really, really big! Bark barkabarkabarkBARK!
etc.
Rover, my dear departed parakeet:
Hey…it’s not so lonely here…I always have my friend in the window, even though he’s a hopeless copycat…errrm…-bird: I look out the window upside down, he looks in the window upside down; I peck at the window, he pecks at the window.
Ooooohhh…look…the spinny toy with the bell…
And then there’s the large creatures who insist on hanging around my house. I think they’re the ones keep me in food and water. I can’t understand what they’re saying, but they sure make a lot of noise when I move around a lot. The faster I move, the louder they get. And you ought to hear them when I move fast AND upside down.
Mmmmm…cuttle bone.
GT
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…Hey?! Why the hell did you wake me! I’m not dead, I just forgot to close my eyes again! Stop poking me!
Emmy:
Mommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommy!
Uh-oh. Mommy just yelled my name. I guess she’s still sleeping.
Daddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddy!
Daddy, I’m HUNGRY! Come on, Daddy! Get UP!
I bet if I walk on his balls, he’ll get up. Hahahahahaha! That was funny! Daddy screams like a girl!
Oscar:
Now that I’ve learned the sleeping habits of the human, I shall stalk in wait of the day when I can take over the world.
Oh, is Daddy feeding us? I can take over the world tomorrow!
E.
A Day in the Life of Spunky the Wonder Bichon:
::Snooze::
::Hears noises and voices and sees the Mommy and the Daddy are upright again, after spending the night on the big pillow thing::
- Good morning Mommy, good morning Daddy! Let me out!
- Oh, you’re, oh, you’re going in that room you don’t let me into… that room makes noises like water. I don’t like that room anyway.
- Oh oh, baby’s crying. I’m never going outside, I just know it.
- Mommy, why are the babies crying? Do they want to go out? ::sniffs:: Ooooh, stinky babies. I’m going, um, somewhere else. ::Escapes to dining room and hides under table::
- Oh, you’re downstairs! Can I go out now?
- Can I come in now?
- Oh, a treat? For me? Mm, chicken! Chicken chicken chicken! No, baby, this is for me! ::Escapes to dining room and hides under table to eat treat::
::Snooze:: - Mommy, can I go out?
- Mommy, let me back in!
- No, baby, don’t pull my fur! Bad baby! ::Escapes to dining room and hides under table::
::Snooze:: - Ooh, I hear footsteps! MAILMAN! ::Run run run, sliiiiiiiide across tile floor in foyer, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark::
- Hehe, I scared him away AGAIN! I rule! I need water. That was hard work. ::Lap lap lap lap:: Hey, I should get a treat for my valiant mailman-frightening efforts. Mommy? Daddy? Somebody gimme a treat!
- Mmm, bacon! Bacon! I loooooooooooooooove bacon! ::Escapes to dining room and hides under table to eat treat::
::Snooze:: - Mm, what’s that I smell? It smells like, oooooh, it’s dinnertime! It’s time for puppy supper! Mommy? Is my food ready? Huh? Huh? Where’s my food?! Fooooooood!
- Oooh, puppy supper! Yes, yummy. Ooh, warm and really wet. Just like I like it. Yummy yummy yummy!
- BURP!
- Time to roll! ::Rolls madly on floor:: Someone come roll with me! Hi babies! Let’s roll. :Rolls with babies:: This is fun! I’m glad you’re here, babies. Mommy doesn’t play with me much anymore, but you always roll. Plus, you drop food on the floor for me. I love the babies.
- Mommy, I need to go out. Oh, you’ve got the babies in water! I don’t understand your thing about putting the babies in water every single night. They don’t even have fur, how dirty could they be? I’m leaving. You might want to put me in there next. Where’s Daddy? Daddy, I need to go out!
- Oooh, a walk! Yay! Walk! Ooh, it’s cold. I don’t like this time of year. All the birdies and the squirrels are gone. All there is to do is sniff and pee. Oh, wait, I can poo, too. Yay!
- That was a nice walk, Daddy. Same time tomorrow? Good! Now, can I get another treat? Pleeeeeeeease? Mmm, more bacon. Baaaaaaaaaaaacon. ::Escapes to dining room and hides under table to eat treat::
::Snooze:: - Oh, is it time to watch TV? Can I sit on the sofa, please? Thank you. Ooh, Daddy, I love you. Can you gimme scritches? Yeah, right there, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooooh, that’s good stuff. Hey, Mommy, why are you always tapping on that box and laughing and talking to Daddy about “the Dope?” You should give me scritches! Pleeeeeeease? Ah, thank you Mommy. You’re the best Mommy. I’m just gonna curl up here now and…
::Snooze:: - What, it’s bedtime? Do I get to go out again?
- I need to come in!
::Follows Mommy and Daddy to bedroom. Snooooooooze::
Ferret 1: Mummy, come play wif me… mummy… please… mummy… play play play play Mummy!!!
Ferret 2: Hmmm, well she is a good diversion for the hooman, maybe I can silently sneak away…
Ferret 3: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…snort…huh?..its all new… all new…zzzzzzzz
Ferret 1: daddy, quite tickling my belly… daddy… stop it… Mummmy!!! Wait! ferrettone? please daddy please… I’ll let you tickle my belly… please?!
Ferret 2: I must get away, get out get away… wait… you have ferrettone…well I can stay a while…
Ferret 3: zzzzzzzz…food?..'tone?..blink blink oh please please please…bouncy jumpy fluffy tribble with head.
Ferret 3: “Dook Dook dook dook dook chortle dook” doing a 4 footed tigger bounce down the hall.
Ferret 2: Silly ferret… Silently! Silently… how are we ever going to take over the world?
Ferret 3: heh heh that was fun playing keep away wif mummy… she scritches just right…
Ferret 1: Mummmy… pay attention to me… MUMMY… I’m cute! Can’t you see I’m cute? Mummy! Daddy!.. me me me me me ME!
Yes, this is our lives and even though we are both from the south, somehow all of our ferrets have very cockney british accents.
Holy wow! I live in Fayetteville and go to school in Arkadelphia. I drive through Conway every time I go either place. Crazy.
Very cool. We just moved here earlier this year. It has been the best move we have ever made.
YOU did this to me!
I was fine! Okay, so my butt hurt really bad and I hadn’t pooped in ages. But did I ask to be stuck into that mesh baggie box thing and taken to The Horrible Place? Did I to be given to The Horrible Man? Did I ask to have my BUTT shaved naked? (Though strangely, I somehow managed to sleep through that event. But I know HE did it!)
And now . . . now . . . I am humiliated, degraded, and demeaned. This plastic collar thing you have put on me is the absolute last straw. Do you realize that I cannot bathe properly with this thing on? All I can do is twist into position and then lick the inside of the collar.
Bitch.
I’ll get you for thi- oooh, what are you doing? Scritches? I love scritches. Yes, right there. Mmmmmmmm, harder, woman, harder. Oh, yes, with the chin and the rubbing and the stroking. RrrrrrrRRRRrrrrrrrRRRRRRrrrrrrr. Yeeeeeessssssss.
But I’m still going to stand on your head at 2:35 this morning. Count on it.
Spike: Xander, are you still sleeping on the mommie’s bed? Boooring. You should check out this closet with me. It’s much more exciting in here. Climbing up top is easy, you just - hook a paw onto one of their - clotheshangers - and - put your - other paw- onto this storage box - and - presto - falls onto floor Save your laughter. I meant to do that.
Xander: Sure you did. Now let’s go bug the short one. She’s playing with The Shiny Box again. If we sit on her hand and lick her arm enough she’ll feed us.
Spike: Nah, you go ahead. I’m not hungry.
Xander: Of course you’re not. You empty out your bowl, and then you eat from my bowl.
Spike: Do not!
Xander: I’ve seen you. The mommies have too. It’s really brilliant, the way you bat kibble onto the floor and eat it, so that you’re not technically eating out of my bowl.
Spike: Get stuffed.
Xander: And a good day to you as well, sir. :rolleyes: stalk gracefully away
Spike: That’s right, Mister-I’m-So-Civilised-Because-I-Have-Thumbs! Get out of here! The closet is my territory. Yeah! licks own neck hops on top of storage box leaps for closet shelf, misses, flops over in the air and slinks under bed Maybe I’ll conquer the closet tomorrow. That closet is one stone cold bitca.
Haaaaaaaaaayes! There are plaaaates on the table! That must mean there’s food on them! I don’t care that its for later, I want those plates nooooooooow!
What the hell? Yams? I don’t like no steenkin’ yams! Give me the other plates! Nowwwwwww!
Boris: I’ll just stay here and snooze. Zzzzzzzzz. Hey! Who’s batting my tail? Get away bratty sister! Mooooommmm-she’s touching me! I’ll just chase her across the room, over the lump in the bed, back the other way over the lump.
Natasha: You’ll never catch me!
Boris: I’ll just hide here behind the door until my sister comes by and…POUNCE!
Natasha: Meow! Moooommmm, he’s bugging me! Hey get your paws away from my neck! Stop licking my ear! Moooooom, he’s giving me a kitty noogie again!
Boris: Oops, mom is moving. She doesn’t look happy. Must turn on cute motor. Purrrrrrrrrr. There, happy again. Now off to chase my little sister. Oh Natasha, ever been put in a full nelson?
Natasha: Rowr! You forget that girls fight dirty. I’m not afraid to bite and use my claws.
Boris: Mew! Mommy she hurt me!
Both: Goody, she’s bringing food food food food food.
Boris: This is MY side of the bowl!
Natasha: Get out of the way, I’m eating here!
Boris: Fine, I’ll take the other side of the bowl. The food’s better over here anyway.
Natasha: Move aside, thisis now MY side of the bowl. OK, gotta pee now. No, I’m not covering it up, let the servants get it.
Boris: You stink! Now I have to clean up after you when you go to the bathroom. sniff sniff It still stinks; I’ll throw more sand on top. Mommy likes me best because I keep the bathroom clean.
Natasha: No, mommy like me best, because I’m her princess.
Boris: Pet ME mommy.
Natasha: shoves Boris aside Pet ME mommy.
Boris: I hate sisters!
I know I’m late, but from Kyoko, my white-cap pionus parrot:
Don’t know why they buy me all these toys, they’re really scary. Ooh! Empty toilet paper rolls! Empty paper Towel rolls! They do love me!
Popcorn! Mommy’s eating popcorn! And she’s not giving me any! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn! Popcorn!
What’s this strange pink stuff. I can’t eat it. nibble lick Hey this stuff is pretty good. Watermelon? Well, I think I’ll lick all the water out of it and leave the rest behind. Blech. That leftover white stuff doesn’t look too good, does it? Here let me help them by pushing it over the edge.
What’s this? Doesn’t look too good with this eyeball. Here, let me try the other. Hey! Looks a lot better, don’t it?
Omigod a dog! I’m scared! Omigod a bird! I’m scared! Omigod the light! I’m scared! Omigod the TV! I’m scared! Omigod the vacuum! I’m scared!
(She was a big scaredy-cat).
MAILMAN!
Mailman!
Mailman!
Mailman!
Mailman!
Mailman!
Mailman!
Mailman!
Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!
Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!
Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!Mailman!
Hah! I chased him away again!
A day in the life of the valpets:
3 a.m.
Buggy, the Drama Kitty: blink, blink Oh look, it’s Mama! She’s sitting on the bowl. I should go say hello to her!
3:01 a.m.
Buggy: Damn it! She locked me out of the bedroom again! I want to sleep in the Big Bed, too! I should paw at the door for awhile.
6:45 a.m.
Poopy the Wonder Kitty: Mama’s awake! I should make myself as big as I can and lay in the hallway so she doesn’t miss seeing me on the way down to the shower!
Weezer the Puppy Butt: Mama’s up! Oh my gosh! Gotta pee! Mama’s up! Oh my gosh! Gotta pee!
6:48 a.m.
Weezer: Not in the mood to poop now. I think I’ll just drag Mama around the yard and sniff around like I’m actually going to do something.
6:54 a.m.
Weezer: Now Mama’s in the shower, and I’ve got to POOP! NOW, woman! Do you hear me?!?
7:15 a.m.
Poopy: Look! Mama’s having a cigarette! I bet she wants me to sit on her lap and nuzzle my nose into her boobs! Or maybe her armpit? Perhaps both?
12:05 p.m.
Weezer: Mama’s home! Oh my Gosh! Gotta pee! Mama’s home! Oh my gosh! Gotta pee!
12:08 p.m.
Weezer: Not in the mood to poop now. I’ll just drag Mama around the yard again. It worked this morning!
12:15 p.m.
Weezer: NOW I’ve got to poop! Hurry up, Mama, I’m dying here!
Buggy: It’s time for Mama to get the mail. I should start eating so she can see me and can’t get out the front door to the mailbox.
12:25 p.m.
Poopy: Mama’s eating and she doesn’t want me. If I sit on the back of the couch she’ll never know I’m here!
12:26 p.m.
Poopy: Now I’ll just scoot a little bit closer. She’ll never notice … Damn! She noticed!
5:05 p.m.
Weezer: Mama’s home! Gotta poop! Mama’s home! Gotta poop!
6 p.m.
Poopy and Buggy: Mama’s making supper! We should lie under her feet and help her!
6:30 p.m.
Everybody: Papa’s home! Papa’s home!
Buggy and Poopy: Papa! We’re starving! We’re starving!
6:45 p.m.
Poopy: Mama’s eating! I’m sure she wants to share with me this time! … Nope, I guess not!
6:48 p.m.
Poopy and Buggy: Look! Papa filled the food dish! We should eat the food as fast as we can because if we do, he’ll give us MORE! Quick!
6:50 p.m.
Buggy: Oh! I don’t feel so good! insert puking cat sound here Oh! That’s better! I should eat some more!
Poopy: Look! Warm food on the floor. I should eat it! Yum!
7:30 p.m.
Weezer: I’m in the house! I’m in the house! Me want kitty! Me want kitty!
7:45 p.m.
Poopy: Oh, look, Mama’s reading. I should help her by laying across the book! Perfect!
7:50 p.m.
Weezer: A kitty! A kitty! I want to lick him! Look! It’s Mama! I should lick her! I should lick her!
Poopy: Don’t you touch my Mama, you dastardly beast! I will slap your face!
8 p.m.
Weezer: Mama’s doing laundry! I should run around her legs and help her!
8:30 p.m.
Weezer: I kind of have to poop again, but I don’t want to ask Mama or Papa to take me out. Maybe if I just sneak in the dining room …
8:45 p.m.
Buggy: Something is hurting my feelings, but I don’t know what. I should go to the basement and cry.
9:30 p.m.
Weezer: Mama found the poopy and now I’m locked up. Oh my gosh! There’s something on the ceiling! I should bark at it! Now I should bark louder! Oh, no, it’s not going away! It’s threatening my people! I should keep barking!’
9:45 p.m.
Poopy: Ahhh, the giant tree! I love the giant tree! I especially love to chew on it. Arrgh! What was that? Mama sprayed me with the blue bottle! How dare she? Doesn’t she know I was just looking at the giant tree?
Sam: (noting pre-dawn) Time to call the flock. Begin wallpaper removing screeching noises. Daddy hollered to shut the flock up. Daddy is alive-the bedroom did not eat him. I’ll wait 30 seconds and start screeching again.
Sam: CAT IN THE BACK YARD! SOUND THE CAT ALARM! Daddy thinks I’m God. He uses that word a lot when I screech. I think my middle name is Dammit. I think my last name is abbreviated STFU. It’s 5 AM why isn’t Daddy out of bed?
Miss Fuzz: I was starving! The UPS man didn’t bring food. Neither did the FedEx guy. If you hadn’t gottten home soon, I’d have had to take these boxes hostage. I will now trip you fourteen times in three feet of travel to remind you to feed me three times a day. I will put my head in the food bowl while you’re trying to fill it. Why are you calling the parrot’s name?
Flashcat, Fatcat, Midnight: Must eat now. No rodents around. Then find a car to sleep on. Maybe later we can sit under the bird feeder and wait for one to die mid-flight and fall to the ground. Sitting outside makes the parrot crazy, too. 
Dillinger gestures towards the top drawer in the bathroom
Dillinger: That’s where she keeps the hideous beasts.
Gia: Hairties.
Dillinger: They nest there while she’s away and attach themselves to her head in the morning, how does she not NOTICE the filthy beasts as they try to suck out her BRAAAAIN?!
Gia: Hairties, Dillinger. Hairties.
Dillinger: I caught two of them yesterday morning. I drowned them both in the water bowl, but they weren’t there last night. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!
Gia: sigh