Write Your Own ONION Story 2002

There were a number of these threads in the past. Most of them appear to have been eaten during the Winter of Our Missed Content, with the exception of an early one and the hilarious Sept. 11 one. I thought this needed a revival, since I had some funny ideas and others probably do as well.

LOLLY’S, INC. FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY

MILWAUKEE-Lolly’s, Inc., a Fortune 500 company which made a name for itself by selling adverbs, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection today.

“I have no idea why we failed. I mean, people need adverbs. We’re the only place that I know of where you can buy them,” said company president Robert H. Lolly, Jr. “I hope we’ll be able to turn the company around and have a wonderfully successful 2003.”

Founded in 1955, the company had slow sales until the 1970s, when Lolly’s son, Sam, produced and directed a series of television commercials for the flailing store. The campaign, which featured the now-famous slogan “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here!,” won a Clio award in 1979 for a spot entitled Adverb Solidarity.

Robert, who took over the company after the death of his father in 1994, attempted to turn the company around by carrying other parts of speech, but was unsuccessful. Two attempts to add items to the store’s stock, nouns in 1995 and verbs in 1997, were voted down by shareholders; and the company enjoyed a brief success selling conjunctions in 1999 until it was discovered that one of the employees was stealing conjunctions from a local Amtrak station and selling them at Lolly’s.

“What’s their function? Amtrak didn’t seem to be using them, anyway.” commented Albert A. Armadillo, the employee in question, in a recent interview with Barbara Walters to be aired on 20/20 next month. “I asked him time and time again to carry pronouns, and did that son of a bitch listen to me? No! Albert Andreas Armadillo is glad Robert H. Lolly, Jr.'s business is down the tubes.” Though on the board of directors, Armadillo sold all of his shares outstanding in the company in 2001, stating that they were “really wearing my stock portfolio down.”

“Looking back on it, we should have really charged for our adverbs,” Lolly commented on the company’s selling of adverbs for free since 1977. “Am I going to change that policy? Indubitably.”

Source of Stench, Pet Mouse Remain Unlocated

In a confounding double-mystery, a local woman has remained unable to locate neither the source of a penetrating, acrid stench in her home nor the beloved pet mouse of her 8-year-old son.

“I wish I had some idea what was causing that terrible smell as you go up the stairs,” said single mother Felicity Carter. “But almost as much, I wish we could find little Scamp. He’s been missing for about three weeks now, and I’m sure he must be getting hungry.”

Jeb, Carter’s son, was unavailable for comment, as his mother continues to assure him that Scamp is visiting cousins in the country and will be back soon.

Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner, Sr.
Retired Machinist and AAPB-Certified Astrologer

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re surprised you managed to stick it all the way in, but imagine how surprised the doctors will be when you ask them to get it out.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your existential dilemma will only be made worse next week when you will be portrayed in the movie by Keanu Reeves.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Whoever said “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” apparently didn’t know they can draw blood when they peck you.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Next Wednesday, news from your doctor will make your zodiacal sign a rather ironic, yet fitting cosmic joke.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The stars aren’t totally sure what you SHOULD be doing next week, but they’re pretty sure you SHOULDN’T even think about using the chain saw.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Going back to school to further your education was a great idea, except for the fact that you have the IQ of a potato, lamebrain.

Libra (September 23-October 23)
You’ve always thought you had bad luck at cards, but just wait and see what the stars have in store for you when you take a vacation in Las Vegas at the same time as a carrier of the Ebola virus.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)
Sure, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, but who would have thought they could scratch you so badly you need stitches?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
On Thursday, you’re going to learn the hard way that the old story about alligators in the New York sewers was not just an urban legend.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It looked so damned good on J.Lo at the Oscars, so why doesn’t it look good on you? Well, maybe because you’re an obese man.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Try as you might to get over it, you will spend yet another week, as you have for so many weeks, grieving over the fact that they cancelled “Three’s Company.”

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
The stars would like to tell you not to step in front of that bus, because its brakes are damaged. Too bad they were late getting the message out, though, because this is last week’s horoscope.

RickJay: KILLER.

A while back I imagined a Point/Counterpoint–

Randy Newman: I Love LA!

Goldfinger: Fuck LA!

Nu-Metal Band Plagarizes 8th Grade Poet

Bethesda, MD - The nu-metal world was rocked by scandal today as it was revealed that local nu-metal band Soott plagarized lyrics from 13 year-old poet Emily Fulgerson, an 8th grader at Ulysses Grant Middle School in Bethesda.

“I was reading her website, Gothkitty’s Dungeon of Poetry, and I was amazed that she was able to relate so well the pain that we both feel. I felt like it should be a Soott song,” said Stephen Groznick, lead singer and lyricist for Soott, who added, “The extra ‘t’ is for ‘tormented’.”

The song in question, “Why So Much Pain?” reads in part, “Why won’t this pain go away/it stays inside me every day/Why does it always hurt so much/why do I always have to be so f___ed up?”

“I wrote that poem last week, after I met this cool guy in Hot Topic at the mall but my mom wouldn’t let me go out with him because she said I’m too young to date anyone who’s old enough to drive,” explained Fulgerson. “She makes my life a living hell.”

“I didn’t want to copy it, but that poem really spoke to me, you know?” said Groznick. “It was like she had a window into my soul. Like last week, when my Beemer ran out of gas, I was just so pissed off I wanted to seriously break some s__t. It’s obvious we both know what true pain is like.” Groznick also said he was impressed by Fulgerson’s clever rhyming of “June” and “moon”.

The controversy comes at a bad time for the nu-metal community, which had just recovered from the January revelation that all of the lyrics from Slipknot’s last album were copied from graffiti in the men’s restroom of a Hoboken Krispy Kreme.

Comedian Columnist Tires Of Writing Funny Articles

Clauford, TN - For almost seven years now, readers of the Clauford Tribune have chuckled heartily at the wit and satire of columnist Jerry Diglacker. However, on the morning of September 4, 2002, Diglacker’s column dealt with the subject of the health problems associated with having too much sugar in one’s diet, and was noted for its lack of laughs.

“At first, I laughed when he said that sugar would make me obese,” said Jan Opedick, a resident and avid Diglacker reader, who is also 200 pounds overweight. “I thought he was building up to a great joke or punchline. But when I got to the end, I felt so depressed and upset that I polished off two dozen donuts and a package of Ho-Ho’s.”

Several other residents in the area said they had similar reactions… and police suspect that one man, 50 year old Michael Goosdow, lost his life from an overdose of Krispy Kreme after reading the column.

After being asked why he wrote an unfunny column, Diglacker said, “I just got tired of people expecting me to be funny all the time. I felt like I wasn’t getting any respect for my intelligence or my stance on serious issues. Well, no longer. From now on, I won’t say or do anything that will make people laugh. Even people who laugh at the phone book will yawn at my articles.” Diglacker then went into a very unfunny tirade about the importance of seatbelts.

Residents have signed a petition regarding Diglacker’s decision to become bland, and have presented it before Judge Warren Polisade. After reviewing the contents of the petition and contacting its signers, the judge filed a restraining order against Diglacker, prohibiting him from being unfunny, or from coming within 200 yards of anything unfunny.

“We simply cannot have our sources of humor reversing their position and making people sad,” Polisade said when making the order. “A similar restraining order was put on Bozo when he tried to shed the clown suit and makeup and become a mathematician.”

When he received the order, Diglacker reportedly threw a fit. One witness said that Diglacker exclaimed, “I am not a clown for the public!” and became quite red in the face, which was, as the witness described, “mildly amusing.”

Creationist Scientists Disprove Evolution

“We just wanted to settle this once and for all,” explained Dr. Duane Gish of the Institute for Creation Research. “We assumed that there had to be a correlation between the fact that evolutionists didn’t understand what we were saying and the fact that we were right.” Gish (no relation to silent film legend, Lillian Gish) spoke to a group of peers at the First Assembly of God in Dayton, TN, where he unveiled an impressive display of audio-visual materials.

Demand For Falsification

According to Gish, a common theme in debates with evolutionists over the years has been their demand for falsification of creationist theories. “I must admit,” Gish said, “that we were quite perplexed about these people wanting us to falsify what we were arguing for. We told them that if they wanted to falsify it, go ahead and try. Why should we do their homework for them?”

But in a stunning development, researchers at the Institute decided to consult scientific journals. In the process, they learned that “falsification” means subjecting their theories to tests that can determine whether or not they are false.

“We were so used to that sort of equivocation from the evolutionists that we were surpised to discover that what they were asking for was reasonable,” Gish explained.

Battery of Tests

Upon the findings of the Gish committee, Dr. John Morris, president of the Institute (and no relation to Morris the Cat), immediately ordered a battery of tests, using standard guidelines from science philosopher Karl Popper. Popper had specified that a test, to be scientific, ought to be constructed in such a way that it can yield a result that contradicts the hypothesis of the tester and can be reproduced independently.

“We assembled a team comprised of scientists from around the globe with advanced degrees in everything from economics to criminal justice,” Morris said. “They put together a series of experiments that anyone can do. And in fact, our results have already been reproduced independently in laboratories all over the world.”

Incontrovertible Results

Dr. Gish made a presentation to the assembly, outlining each experiment in detail. “Our first test,” Gish said, “was to hold a magnifying glass over the scriptures to determine if they really said what we thought. If our theories were false, examination of the Bible ought to yield results different from what we expected.”

In a slide presentation, Gish showed increasing magnifications of biblical text. “You can try this experiment for yourself,” he told the attentive audience, “We’ve already seen it reproduced by many others.” Sure enough, with each click of the slide projector, images appeared with text substantially similar to previous text at a wide variety of magnifications.

In another test, Gish showed how Institute scientists submitted documents in Hebrew to United Nations linguists and to language experts in the Israeli government. “In every case,” Gish explained, “the results came back the same, or substantially the same. Every single expert concurred about what happened on each specific day of creation.” A jubilant Gish pointed out that, if they had been mistaken about the translation of the documents, there ought to have been at least one dissenting result.

Other tests included random distribution of verses to see whether they could be reassembled in their original order, translations into languages other than English to see whether the meaning of the text changed, and reading the scriptures from a mirror to determine whether they were contradicted by hidden messages.

“We kicked an awful lot of tires,” declared Gish. “In all, we conducted more than two dozen experiments, each under the demanding controls spelled out by Popper. The results? Incontrovertible. The scriptures were one hundred percent reliable. Evolution is false.”

Where To From Here?

After Gish’s presentation, Morris told the audience that the Institute expects to begin using the test data in debates with evolutionists immediately. “There’s no reason to hold back,” he explained, “now that we’re armed with this kind of ammunition.”

Present in the audience was Congressman Ed Bryant (Republican, 7th District, no relation to hysterical gay-rights opponent Anita Bryant). The congressman indicated that this announcement will surely weigh heavily in Congress’s agenda this fall. “It’s time we took the initiative nationally to make certain our children are exposed to these kinds of discoveries. Evolution should not be taught as a fact when it is clear that competing views are equally legitimate. After all,” the congressman explained, “evolution is only a theory.”

Before dismissing the assembly, Morris issued an open challenge to evolutionists everywhere. “Run our tests,” he announced, “If you get results different from ours, we will pay you $1,000,000 in cash.”

The challenge greatly impressed all those who were present. Charles Plainer, calling himself a concerned citizen, noted, “I reckon they must be right. My Bible says the same thing theirs does.” Claudia Pinkerton, local school superintendent, said, “I’m going to throw out our biology textbook tomorrow. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.”

Area Woman Uses 409 Carpet Cleaning Foam as Weapon

In a fit of heebie jeebies brought about by a dinner plate sized spider, an area woman used 409 Foam to subdue and execute the offending arachnid.

“I was all like ‘No WAY am I going near that thing- especially with the vaccum! Then he’ll be alive AND in my vaccum! This stuff has serious spraying distance.’”

Sources say the spider was cornered, and after a valient effort to run away on it’s 8 cheetah-like legs, taken down by the powerful foam. The woman claimed the spray killed two birds with one stone- disabling the arachnid and cleaning her carpet at the same time.

The woman was treated on the scene for extreme hyper-heebiejeebieitis.

Calling hours for the unnamed spider will be at 5 and 7pm next to the tall halogen lamp.

Colt 45 Poll Still Favors Billy Dee Williams

MILWAULKEE – A poll conducted by the Colt 45 malt liquor corporation reveals that Billy Dee Williams is still considered “the smoothest man alive” by the majority of its customers.

“We considered retiring Billy Dee to make room for a new, smoother man of the 21st century,” said Dana Miller, a spokesperson for Colt 45. The company released a list of several “smooth” candidates, including Samuel L. Jackson, Vin Diesel, Pierce Brosnan and Patrick Stewart.

An overwhelming 95% of polling participants opted for the “other” vote, writing in classic Colt 45 spokesman Billy Dee Williams.

“We’re sorry we ever considered replacing him,” said Miller. “Colt 45 would like to officially proclaim: GodDAMN! That’s some good spokesperson!”

A press agent for Williams gave only this short statement: “Works every time, bro.”

News In Brief

Report: Chicken Bacon Tastes Like Neither Chicken Nor Bacon

TORONTO, ON - In a report to be released Wednesday, area woman Shannon Green announced that she was disappointed that Maple Leaf Foods’ “Chicken Bacon” did not taste like either chicken or bacon. “I was hoping it would be a different, healthy alternative” said Green, 24, “but it kind of tastes like what deck shoes might taste like. If you cooked them.” The report also confirms Green’s suspicions that ground turkey tastes “pretty awful” in Hamburger Helper recipes.

Zoo Tiger Staring At Toddler

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Kiharti, a Sumatran tiger in the National Zoo, is staring at Washington-area toddler Kaylee Evans, 3, in a really creepy way, report onlookers. “He was just kinda ignoring people like the tigers always do, but then this little girl runs by and he’s just staring at her,” says bystander Kevin Cash. “And he seems really interested when she moves away from her parents.” Zoologists confirm that a 200-kg predator like Kiharti could eat a toddler just like a potato chip.

Area Teenager Writes New Vampire Poem

MADISON, WI - Area teenger Brandy Dent, 16, has released her eagerly-awaited new epic poem, “Love of the Teenaged Vampire,” publishing sources reported Monday. The 53-line, sporadically rhymed poem concerns a 16-year-old girl who is misunderstood by her parents but finds solace in vampirism when bitten by an attractive young male vampire named Justin LeTimber. A long-anticipated sequel to “Vampire Angst,” the poem will be posted on the inside of Dent’s locker early next week.

Where Are Area Man’s Goddamn Keys?

FORT PIERCE, FL - Area man James Helpern, 54, can’t find his goddamn keys, sources reported early this morning. Helpern announced that he always puts the goddamned things on the table next to the door, so where the fuck are they? After a search of the living room and kitchen failed to locate the keys, it was theorized that one of the goddamned kids took them to use the car even though they’re supposed to ask first, for fuck’s sake. The keys still had not been located at press time, which means Helpern will be late for his damn shift.