I don’t really have anyone else to ask about this right now, so I’m turning to you dopers.
I have to inform some people by letter that someone they knew has died. The death was a suicide, but for various reasons I want to prevent that information from getting out. These are people who don’t really need to know that kind of thing anyway.
If I say X “died suddenly” or “died unexpectedly” is that ‘code’ for suicide? I don’t want to give that impression, but I also want to stop people from contacting me and asking about the cause of death.
Should I just say X died on August XX, XXXX. The funeral was held on August XX, XXXX?
I have to have this letter finished within about 20 hours. I have most of it down already, but I’d like to hear what people out there think is a good way to handle this. Thank you.
I don’t think there’s any way of discouraging someone from asking if they’re really, really curious. “Died unexpectedly/suddenly” is a good way to put it, though.
You should prepare yourself for the inevitable question of “how?” which is a perfectly natural question when someone dies unexpectedly. If you are vague, people will still be curious.
I work somewhere where I see emailed death notices of suicide 1-2x a year.
Two examples from work:
" [name] passed on [date]"
" we regret to inform you that [name] died suddenly on [date]"
Both of these were followed by brief obituaries. I prefer the second…
I don’t think it matters what you say, “died”, “died suddenly”, “died unexpectedly”. If a reasonably young person dies and no explanation is given, most people are going to at least wonder if it was suicide.
If you don’t want people to follow up and ask you, you have to either rely on their tact or put something in the letter to that effect.
I’m really really sorry you have to deal with this.
My first thought was no, it would just invite even more questions (“Oh, I didn’t know he was sick, what did he have?”), although if the person did acknowledge a mental health diagnosis then it could be true.
Isamu, depending on your relationship to the family of this person, you could ask them how they would prefer you respond to inquiries.
i would tell people if they asked me, unless I was expressly told not to. That’s because not telling is implying the same thing, so why not just be honest? You could say you don’t know, if you are comfortable with white lies. Of course suicide is a deeply difficult subject to talk about, but not acknowledging something that is privately known or assumed seems a little odd.
I just looked up an obit for someone I know who committed suicide and it says “Ronald passed away June 13, 2010 at his home.”
I didn’t know he had killed himself for a long time, but he had also been in and out of the hospital with medical problems so I just assumed he had died from complications from whatever and I never considered suicide. I never even asked.
It sounds like you’re trying to make sure that nobody even thinks of suicide when they read your announcement. I think that’s counterproductive. Keep it short and simple. It doesn’t matter what you say—“passed away on X” is fine. People are going to speculate no matter what. Just be prepared for responding to follow-ups. “I’m sorry, I can’t give you the specifics” or “I’m sorry, the family isn’t talking about the details.”
Or you could use a cover story – “Died fighting hand-to-hand against the Nazis” or “No cause given – family has requested donations be made to the Institute Against Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation in lieu of flowers.”
You are sending a letter announcing his death to hundreds of people around the world?
The best way to protect the family and your deceased friend is to not send any sort of announcement.
Why do you feel the need to make some worldwide announcement about his death? If your going to tell anyone, I’ve found that it’s better to tell the truth. If there’s any shame resulting from your friends suicide, it should rest upon him. No need to protect his reputation…it was his choice on how he went out.
Anytime you hear about anything (not just death)that was totally unexpected, most people will ask “why?”
Your neighbor with the old Chevy buys a Mercedes or a Rolls Royce: you ask “where did he suddenly get the money?”
An incompetent co-worker gets a promotion: you ask "how did he do that, what family connections does he have with the boss?
A grizzly bear attacks a hiker: you ask “did the hiker know there were bears in the area?”
A space shuttle explodes on the launch pad: you ask “what caused it?”
So anytime you inform people about the sudden death of a friend (under age 75) , of course they will ask for more details.It’s a perfectly reasonable question to a sudden piece of unexpected news.
If you give no details and no explanation— that is worse than not notifying the people at all…it creates more curiosity than it resolves. It’s the opposite of closure.
If you want to cover it up, can you make a plausible lie out of the circumstances?
Say, if the suicide was from an overdose of pills, tell people that he had a bad reaction to medications. If he shot himself, describe it as a hunting accident or even robbery; if he hanged himself describe it as an accident falling off a ladder while home alone, etc?
Just put that he passed away suddenly in the mass-announcement. If people contact you to ask how, you can either tell them on a one-on-one basis, or go with something about respecting the family’s wishes that he be remembered for who he was and not the manner of his death.
If you want to protect the family from unwanted questions be honest.
Something like Johnny chose to take his own life on August 8th, 2011. His family is devastated by his loss and would appreciate privacy at this time. Donations can be made in his name to “x” (I vote for a suicide prevention hotline but that’s just me)