I demand redress for harm performed against my person by the Straight Dope Message Board (“SDMB”). At approximately 2:55 pm MDT (UCT-07:00) on the 12th day of July in the year of our Lord 2005, when attempting to access my paid-in-fully account with the SDMB at the uniform resource locator http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php?f=3, I received the message “Sorry, down for maintenance until 6PM CST.”
My damages are enumerated as follows:
[ul]
[li]I’ve lost approximately 125 minutes of SDMB access time.[/li][li]The use use of “6PM CST” is clearly a misleading way of indicating “7PM CDT” since the location of the SDMB is such that daylight time is observed.[/li][li]The use of a comma where a semicolon is better prescribed has caused such a shock that incalculable psychological damage is sure to have taken place.[/li][/ul] Damages: for 125 minutes I have suffered a loss of access valued at US$0.001778 based on a subscription price of US$7.48 for 525,960 minutes of access. Therefore I demand satisfaction of this miscarriage of justice such that after six (6) years have passed, I be rewarded a US $0.01 discount on renewal of my SDMB subscription.
Obviously you ain’t from around these parts. Here is the proper way to sue:
(1) Actual damages, loss of board time: $0.01
(2) Compensatory damages (for vodka consumed & porn downloaded during downtime): $75.42
(3) Punitive damages (pain & suffering, etc.): $50,000,000 plus my own late night talk show.
