Special Note: Ilove my husband and my sister very much. If my husband says “please go to the theater with me” and my sister says “please watch this rifftrax with me” I’m going to do it. If you’re incapable of understanding why I will sacrifice my time to A) please them in the short-term and B)collect on debt in the long term and C) actually have a leg to stand on in arguments about how much the movies suck, then um, well, I don’t know. Maybe you can get counseling? Or figure out what went so horribly wrong in your life that you can’t understand basic concepts?
I’ve never been pitted on here and now I’m being pitted because I dropped by the SDMB one afternoon, wondering if things were the same as they always are, and I see yet another Star Wars thread, full of the same people who always say the same stupid goddamned bullshit about those goddamned bullshit movies. People have been having the same nerd discussion over this crap dozens of times a year, every year, for the past eleven years. What new thing do you think was in that thread? What critical post did I miss with the amazing argument I never heard before? None, because there hasn’t been a new post or a new thought on this board since 2002.
So here’s the low down just so we’re all really fucking clear:
George Lucas is a fucking hack. His movies are unoriginal, boring, and repetitive. He relies on special effects and computer generated showcases in order to hide the fact that he can’t write decent dialogue, he can’t direct good or bad actors, and he has no concept of how humans operate or why people behave the way they do. He doesn’t understand how to pace drama (thus six pointless movies), he doesn’t understand how to write romance, he doesn’t understand how to build character motivation. Why did Ani cross to the dark side? nobody fucking knows, and he took three movies to explain. We were just told that it was going to happen, we knew it would happen, and so Lucas’s complete inability to demonstrate a believable character arc could be glossed over. The third prequel was so disgustingly emotionally manipulative that I felt mind raped by the time I was done. (Well, and amused. “NOOOOOOOO!” I never talk in theaters, but at that point I couldn’t help but yell “Are you shitting me with that?”). We needed to be horrifed by what Ani’s fall and so we had to watch him slaughter children? I believe that scene showed the real depths of Lucas’s sociopathy. He needed us to see how evil this boy apparently was, and so he just randomly threw in THE MOST EVIL THING HE COULD EVER THINK OF. That’s terrible story telling, and unnecessary to boot if he could have made Ani’s downfall mean something and his love story with Panda Bear significant. Most of Star Wars is framed in terms of politics because it’s something Lucas can understand, something clinical, something detached and governed by rules and straightforward motivations. He can’t handle anything more than that, but instead of being honest about it, he blunders through in the most painful way possible.
By the way, Panda Bear’s death almost gave me a stroke. Why not have her bleed out? Why not actually have her die in child birth? That’s far, far less insulting than “She took one look at her kids and died of a broken heart because of Ani.” In order for that to work, we’d have to get something more than “you’re nicer than sand in my underwear” and running through fields. This relationship was supposed to be the driving force of his downfall–I asked my sister for some details with that and she can’t remember either. That’s how paper thin this shit is–if you’re caught up in the movie, you may be able to ignore the fact that nothing makes sense, but when you try to think about it afterwards, it becomes clear there’s nothing to think about. Regardless, she is why he crossed over, we’re to believe. But there’s no emotional connection between them, and nothing he’s supposed to be afraid of is ever really even hinted at. Of course, the real tragedy is that she probably would have been his dark queen. I mean, let’s face it, she fell in love with him because he slaughtered a bunch of people, and she was so fucking selfish she couldn’t even survive long enough to take care of her babies.
But hey, I don’t have to have emotions, drama, character motivation, or an interesting plot in my movies. Really, I don’t. Not a lot of that going on in Mega Shark movies, right? As long as there’s decent eyecandy and the dialogue is a sincere cheesy, I can live. Except, the eyecandy was as cold and soulless as the acting, the characters, the writing, and the directing. Each scene in the prequels went on a good 10 minutes longer than it needed to, and we could never forget that we were staring at computer graphics with people cut in–and we could never forget that if Lucas had his way, he’d get rid of the actors entirely. I don’t think he says that because he loves his special effects so much, but because he literally doesn’t know how to interact with people. They’re a mystery to him, their loves, their desires, their hatreds, even their fears. There’s a reason the actors hate him, and I’m sure it’s because he hates them. He does his best to give a good approximation of what he sees, but it’s all one-dimensional. Everything about those goddamned movies are so one-dimensional.
I’m not interested in why people love theses movies. I don’t give a fuck if you feel insulted because I said I hate them and George Lucas is on my list of Top Ten Most Despised People. I don’t give a fuck if he “meant” for the characters to be flat, the story to be thin, or the emotions to be manipulative. I don’t give a fuck about the stupid goddamned POS Saturday serials he apparently loved so fucking much. Hey, I loved watching cartoons on Saturday mornings, that doesn’t mean I’m going to spend the rest of my life struggling (and failing) to replicate whatever magic and pleasure I found there. And finally, I don’t give a fuck that Lucas once wrote a watchable movie thirty years ago, that Star Wars is your favorite movie, or any other bullshit point I’ve read on this bullshit message board a million billion times.
“Why don’t you just stop watching? Why don’t you not read these threads?” Because fuck you, that’s why. Why is there a 50 post thread because I responded to an OP who opined that the movies suck (they do) and he wasted six hours of his life to watch them (he did). If there was a rule against people only responding to the OP rather than the whole fucking thread, there would only be about a dozen posters left on this board because people do it all the fucking time anyway.
There once was a time around here when my original post wouldn’t have even registered on a snark scale. Now I can’t even come to my own pitting with a good “fuck you, you piece of shit, oversensitive, crybaby motherfucker. You’re a sorry excuse for an aborted foetus much less a human being, and it’s only a shame your father didn’t blow that load on your mother/aunt’s tits. I’d tell you to go eat dick, but there’s no dick on this planet that I have such a low opinion of that I’d want your diseased mouth near it. Except maybe George Lucas–he’s got it coming to him.” See, I would have gotten a fucking gold star for that in the past, but if I posted that response now–which is really the only one you deserve–I’d only get banned (I’d prefer Ed Zotti do it himself).
I did stop reading here for months this year. I only came back recently to skim through a few threads and, like I said, see if anything at all has changed. I was sorry to see of norinew’s passing–she was a good woman. I’m happy to see that a few of the people I really do care about here are happy (and even happy together). But I didn’t miss the place. ANd honestly, I’m not happy that I came back. I mean, there was once a time when a pitting would have really upset me and I would have read every post with my heart in my throat, wondering if people hated me or liked me. For 11 years, I anxiously watched to see if I’d push anybody over to calling me out by name, and I never did.
Now I have and I don’t even care to see who’s contributed to the thread (I guess I better not imply I didn’t read it though or MsWhatsit might lose her shit. Sorry for giving you the vapors ma’am.) A part of me is a little sad about my indifference*–this place really has always meant so much to me. But now there’s nothing left to care about, no emotional attachment remaining. I had friends here once, lives that were significant to me, and opinions I valued. This site is conservative in tone, in outlook, in politics, even in its rules, and when I first found this place I loved it because it was so liberal. And not just “We hate BUSH! GRRRR!” liberal, but liberal and fun in choices and language. When I found this board, I was a devout Mormon from a small town who didn’t know anything. I became a skeptic and an atheist because of this board. It was such a free haven, a place of stimulating conversation and ridiculous shitstorms and stupid trolls and it was hustling and bustling all the time. Lots of traffic. Do any of you realize you’ve become the fucking cranks of the online world? If the Internet is the Information Super Highway, then the Dope has become the abandoned boom town off the unlit exit in the middle of the desert with no services offered. Only nobody in said ghost town seems to have realized it.
Anyway, if you don’t like this post, you can suck my cock. Peace out, d-bags.
Regards**,
pepper
Allow me to pull a Fenris or Sampiro here, if you will, and insert a footnote. “I can see how much you don’t care, look at this massive post. If you really didn’t care, you’d not post at all.” Well, how could I not? In a way, I’ve been waiting 11 years for this moment, and it’d be a shame to let it pass me by (Skipmagic pitted me once, but not by name, and that was over my attitude towards spoilers**). Plus, I’ll never pass up on an opportunity to rant about Star Wars, and it’s not like I’m going to post a farewell thread in MPSIMS.
Though that reminds me, this is my last chance to tell some people some things. Um, Shagnasty, get bent. You’re one of the biggest misogynists on this board (and that’s saying something), and I can’t even read your name without feeling a shudder of disgust. Sam Stone why do you worry so much about another country’s politics? Bricker don’t be so intentionally disingenuous. Diogenes the Cynic I think you’re cool, even if you are a fucking asshole. Never change, buddy. msmith you crack my shit up, and I hope you live a long life full of money and pussy. even sven I feel like we’re probably soul-sisters and we should have been friends. Keep on rocking. olivesmarch4th you’re an amazing woman and you’re going to be a great mother some day. Please, never forget that you have a huge capacity for good in this world, and in turn, you have a huge capacity to receive good things. Fenris, you’re the best. Hamlet, I’ve always liked you and enjoyed your posts. jsgoddess and Asimovian, I hope you have a very, very joyful partnership. You both deserve it. Julie, I’ll always be your #1 fan. Broomstick I hope you find the job of your dreams and I hope that you get as much free time and money you need to be in the air. Brynda, you’ll always be in my thoughts. CandidGamera you’re a gentleman (lady?) and a scholar. Expano Mapcase I hope we meet someday–my goal has always been to become one of your peers and I’m still working on that.
And Zoe, fuck you, too. I have plenty of perspective, I know a good movie from a bad one. In the land of cranks, you are Queen.
**You know what I mean.
***Which is getting a fucking life you fucking losers. If your whole day can be ruined because you know an insignificant detail from a promo for The Office (real board example there), then there’s something seriously wrong with you. Either get a fucking life or get some help, you shouldn’t have to live like that.
