Xmas...grandparent issues....long...urgh...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, we have a new son. Like a few of us here this year, we welcomed our first child recently. He is 7 months old, and an absolute joy. Like many people in our position, we were looking forward to sharing his first Christmas with his grandparents. We have a lovely new house, big enough to host my parents and my husband’s, and were hoping to have everyone over to celebrate and generally be merry. Our son was a long time in the making, and we never thought we would never be in this position, so we’re really all about the xmas spirit.

It’s my parents only local grandchild (the other two live on a different continent), so they are really excited. They play a big part in his life, and my son loves having them around. One of the reasons we went through the stress of moving house with a 4 month old was so that we would have somewhere big enough for my parents to stay on a regular basis (they live a little distance away).

My husband’s parents…well, things are different in his family.

A little back story, my FIL is a bit antisocial and uncommunicative. His behaviour recently has been, to my mind, even more difficult than usual. When we announced I was pregnant, we got no reaction from him. Granted, they didn’t know we were having problems and had just been through IVF (like my parents did), but when we told them they were to have their first grandchild, we got no response from him. He literally sat there, didn’t look at us, didn’t say a word. No congratulations, no comment. Nothing. It was really weird. For the rest of my pregnancy, he basically ignored what was going on. Now, I’m not one of these people that expects to get fawned over, just because I am with child, but I would have expected some sort of positive reaction. He did, after all, father my husband.

When my son was born, things got a little worse. Their first visit to our house (bear in mind, they live 10 mins away) was strange. My MIL came inside to meet her first grandchild. Her husband sat outside in the car and refused to come in. No idea why. My husband was persuaded by his mother to go out to ask him in, and got a “No, I’m alright here” response. Not much you can say to that.

Over the last 7 months, he has been ever so slightly more engaged with things, but it’s been a gradual process. It’s at the point where we can see him, and he’ll bounce my son on his knee for a couple of minutes, but that’s about it. We all sort of ignore his behaviour. He ignores us. Hmmm. There must be a problem, but for the life of us, we can’t figure it out. His family will not talk about anything, so we just don’t ask. Believe me, I’ve been through this with my husband. It will just cause problems if we were so forthright.

So, fast forward to the last couple of days. When I’d brought up the xmas invitation the other day, I was suddenly told that they wouldn’t be coming. A lot of spurious reasons were given. When we finally pushed for an answer as to whether we were should be expecting them for Christmas day, the truth came out. My FIL doesn’t to come, and my MIL has been covering for him.

I can’t say I’m surprised. Things have been a little frosty for him at this end since his earlier behaviour. I can’t bring myself to be all cheery to him when I know that he doesn’t care a whit for his son’s feelings or for his grandson.

So, we’re left wondering how to handle things. The invitation is still open to my MIL (we’ll ferry her around, as she doesn’t drive), as we don’t want her to miss out just because of her husband. I just don’t know where this is going. I don’t know why my FIL seems so negative about things. He’s been on record a few times complaining about children (his, grandchildren, any children). Maybe he’s just not a kiddy person. Begs a few questions, though.

I don’t know if I am looking for sympathy, or advice, but I guess I want to know how to deal with difficult relatives. My husband is very upset. His family just won’t talk about things (unlike mine, who won’t shut up!). It’s not at a point where we want to cut him out of our lives, but we are really getting sick of dealing with his issues, whatever they are. To me, family is the most important thing in the world, so I just can’t get my head around someone who actively pushes the family they have away.

2

Eh, having had a cold parent, I’d say it’s FIL’s problem, and you’re on the right track with inviting MIL and letting FIL stew or whatever he’s doing. At this point I don’t know that you can change him.

As for your husband being upset, I have no advice. I’ve always been a bit flummoxed when I hear of people who are upset because a family member doesn’t behave in some expected touchy-feely way, when they’ve always been that way. I was never upset because my dad wasn’t Ozzie Nelson. He just was what he was, and I found my validation elsewhere. His loss. We still did things with my mom, whether she dragged him along or not. If he chose to sit in front of the TV and ignore everyone, that was his choice.

At least your son has one set of warm, loving grandparents. That’s much more than some have.

3

Geez, Neeps, that’s really awful and I can totally understand why it is getting to you. Your father-in-law isn’t suffering from dementia, is he? What you’ve described sounds like it could be described as “apathy and social withdrawal” to me, which is listed among the symptoms of dementia.

4

Sounds like MY late father, Neeps. He was the “strong silent type”, didn’t like visiting, never socialized much, didn’t like people visiting. He was a lousy there-but-not-there-father. I never had a real conversation with him in my life. He was interested in cars, went to work every day, didn’t drink, but he was a stranger. He was not an unintelligent man, but there was always that brooding silent …apartness. Whatever caused it, well, maybe it was some mental illness (there sure has been a spectacular case of it in our family, in another member)… It’s nothing to do with you, it has always been there in your f-i-l, and by demanding to know ‘what’s wrong?’ or expecting him to act like a normal grandfather at this late date is making him, and your m-i-l, very uncomfortable. They have always lived with his peculiarity, they’ve adjusted to it, and after all these years you and his son want to make him act in a whole different way, to be the loving, jolly grandpa that he SHOULD be…Here’s an example: after Mr. Sali and I got married and moved into our house, I called my mother on a Saturday, told her we were going to have our first cookout the next day, and did she and dad want to join us? She said, “well, I don’t know…Hey, Sali’s-Dad, Sali wants us to come over tomorrow for a cookout!” And I could hear, clearly, in the background my dad’s answer: “WHY?” I tell you, my heart just broke in a hundred pieces. I said never mind, and when I hung up I just cried. Then I thought to myself, what are you crying about? They didn’t want to come over for dinner on Easter (WE had to go over THERE), they didn’t want to come over to see how we fixed up the house, and they most certainly didn’t want to meet somewhere for brunch. They just didn’t do that kind of thing, that’s the way they are.

“WHY?”, indeed.

Things got pretty chilly, though, I stopped calling and trying to be nice, and they stopped calling, and there was a loooong stretch of time with no communication. I had a baby, but my father didn’t all of a sudden turn into a doting grandpa! They were the kind of grandparents who said all the right things but there was no feeling there. Very distant and cold. (I’m including my mother, who IS more social, but of course lived with the man for umpteen years, just as your m-i-l lives with your husband’s father. They are a Team and that’s the way they are, case closed.)

I don’t know why some people are like this - extreme introverts? Mentally weird? Just like their own little rut and daily routine? Just don’t care? I wish I knew, but if they’ve always been that way, no use in hoping they’ll snap out of it!

The up side? When my father died, I was hardly overcome with grief and hardly miss him since he’s been gone.

Nurture relationships with other family members, Neeps, and engage with people who really love you and care about you!

5

I’m wondering if the advent of a grandchild has made the FIL feel old?

But certainly, if he’s been cold and distant the whole time you’ve known him, it shouldn’t be a surprise for him to still be that way. I’ll echo others’ advice and say: enjoy yourself with the people who want to come see you, and quit worrying about that old goat.

6

salinqmind, your father sounds a lot like mine . . . except he was all pals with his buddies, just couldn’t relate to his family.

Yes, exactly. What was so wonderful about this person that (generic) you get upset because he doesn’t care about coming? NOTHING. He’s in his own little world, and for whatever reason, it doesn’t include you. I saw it as not that he chose to ignore ME-me, personally, the wonderful person that I am :slight_smile: , but “me” the abstraction, as in, “Oh, I have a kid but what’s happening with them doesn’t really matter to me.” Really, that thought doesn’t even enter their heads. It’s just a blank space.

Yup yup, except take out the qualifiers. No grief, don’t miss him. He chose to be a non-entity to me, so what’s to grieve or miss? Perhaps a vague regret that I didn’t have a better father. But no illusions that HE would ever have been one.

Yup yup. Excellent advice.

7

Thanks for sharing, Scarlett67. You’re right about their not being able to relate to the family, because my father was very much liked and admired by all his work buddies! (He did have many good qualities, he was a good person.) He just wasn’t good ‘father’, or ‘grandfather’ material.

Neeps, I can’t help but wonder what your husband has to say about his father. Has his father always been like that? Is he different with other siblings, or at home with his wife? Does his father sit there in his own little world all the time?

8

Your father-in-law probably should be more interested in his grandchild, but you’ll get a whole lot further in life dealing with what is rather than with what should be. Have a lovely Christmas with people who want to come to your house and have a good time; do enough for your father-in-law so that you feel you’ve done your due diligence, and forget about him. His problems are not your burden to carry.

9

We’re not going to be making a big deal of this and try and change his behaviour. We know that there is no point. My husband is just upset. I think that despite the fact that his father’s behaviour now is not hugely different from when my husband was growing up, my husband has had his eyes opened (by my family) to how warm and communicative families can be. The big life events we’ve been through in the years we’ve been together have been shared with my family, and not really with his. I think that this is why he is upset, if that makes sense. He had no frame of reference before he met me as to how other families treat each other, so he just accepted his father’s boorish behaviour without thought. Now he has to accept it with a tinge of sadness.

But you’re absolutely right, one set of loving grandparents was more than I had as a child, so we should be grateful for that.

10

Similar situation in our family. Too long and depressing to go into here, but suffice it to say that things never got better or changed.

Best advice - forget about it and move on.
Either FIL gets with the program or he doesn’t. His loss.
You have a beautiful new baby, forget about the old cranky baby.

11

Neeps - give your husband a smooch, a backrub, a listening ear or time on his own (whatever usually works to help him feel better), make sure MiL knows that they are invited individually as well as as a couple, and that’s all you can do. Whatever and wherever your FiL’s issues come from, they fall into the realm of “stuff you can not change”; you can prop the door open but can’t force him through.

12

Thanks for sharing this. Your late father sounds like the twin of my FIL - you could have been describing him here. His other son (my husbands brother) is the same way too. Very emotionally distant. I can only assume that it’s just how they were born. My husband sits at the other end of the emotional spectrum, so really doesn’t fit in at all, and it becomes all the more apparent at emotional times (birth of his first child, for instance).

Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t expecting him to suddenly turn into some warm cuddly grandpa, but we were surprised by his behaviour when our son was born. Even that seemed out of character (being actively disinterested as opposed to passively disinterested). I think it was just the final nail lin the coffin in the relationship between him and my husband. Christmas has just brought it to the fore again.

You’re totally right with this, and I think it will just take some time for my husband to come to terms with things. Since we met, it’s been a gradual process of his eyes being opened to just how off his father’s behaviour is. This year has been the most, um, illuminating year yet, and he’ll take a while to process it, I think.

13

Thanks, Cazzle, NinetyWt, Cat Whisperer, **Nava **and DMark. I think I just needed to vent a little and get some perspective. It’s not like his behaviour is the worst thing that’s ever happened to us. Just got to stop wishing for a Christmas miracle, I guess.

As an aside, we had a little issue with my husband’s brother after our wedding. Nothing that couldn’t be sorted with a little conversation and a bit of give and take. It turned into a two year train wreck that showed my husband just how far his family would go to brush issues under the carpet. We’re definitely not going there again.

14

You have my sympathies, your FIL reminds me somewhat of my own husband’s parents who take absolutely no interest in his life.

I think inviting your MIL to come and offering to ferry her around is absolutely the right thing to do and I hope she agrees to come.

15

It’s a horrid question to ask, but is your father-in-law the biological father of your husband?

16

I can relate to this. I grew up with some pretty skewed ideas of what men and marriage are like. So did Mr. S. Somehow we managed to throw them off and do the opposite. We aren’t parents, but a lot of our friends are, and it’s good to see families with great dads. We ourselves just didn’t have one. Sucks, but them’s the breaks.

Best wishes to you and your hubby on coming to terms. :slight_smile:

17

You know, I’ve asked this question myself many times - my husband sticks out like a sore thumb in the family, although he does have some similarities to his mum.

There was some talk of my MIL perhaps “going off” with someone else at some point, but I’m pretty sure that nothing actually happened, and this was well after my husband was born. Also, I really couldn’t see my MIL having an affair. Then again, there’s a 7 year age gap between my husband and his brother (my husband 's the younger one), so who knows…maybe my FIL was done with children and the got a nasty surprise one day, hence the resentfulness when a grand child was born…

[Half-serious question] Can you do paternity testing without consent from all parties?[/hsq]

18

I guess we both have difficulties getting our heads around their behaviour because we can’t fathom having a family that you just want to keep your distance from and that you aren’t actually interested in.

I guess, though, 40-ish years ago, there were more people having families because that’s what you did. At least nowadays, if you don’t want to be a parent, there is less stigma against it (where I live, anyway - I know it’s a hot button topic on the dope at times).

Thanks for the kind wishes, anyway. My husband’s acceptance of his family has been an evolving process over the last few years.

19

It’d be hard to get the testing material without somebody’s consent, I’d imagine.

20

Can’t they get DNA from a hairbrush, toothbrush, etc.? Or have I been watching too much hack forensics on the teevee?