I just have to get this out of me now that the holiday season is drawing to a close. The pressures of the holiday season have driven me to new levels of depravity that I have not previously encountered. So here is my 2003 holiday rant.
To my beloved wife: I love you. I give you gifts that I think you will enjoy and treasure for a long time. I do not give you gifts so that I look good to your family and/or friends. I am proud of the 1920’s style death ray that I made for you, you should show it off. Also, when I ask you what you want to have for breakfast it means that I want to make something you want, not that I am too lazy to make something for myself, so if you want 1920’s style death rays just say so and I will whip some up for you.
To my Mother-in-law: I know that you have lived a sheltered life in your little town, and that the height of cuisine for you is to make a casserole that does not contain cream of mushroom soup. However, I enjoy different foods, I want to experiment a little bit, so give it a try, if I put out some slices of 1920’s style death rays go ahead and try a little, it won’t hurt you. Finally, all the kids chipped in together, your old 1910 style death ray was noisy, didn’t get things very clean and it is impossible to find replacement parts. We all chipped in to get you the new 1920’s style death ray, just enjoy it, don’t tell us we shouldn’t have spent so much money, we love you and you are worth it.
To my daughter: I know you are just a toddler and that you don’t have a lot of cognitive function. But listen it’s time you learned to use the 1920’s style death ray. Most of the kids your age have moved on and are using the 1920’s style death ray. You can too, it’s a bit stressful but I know you can do it. By the way, I am glad that you are enjoying your 1920’s style death rays; you are so cute when you watch them.
To my Father-in-law: That’s right, I got a radio controlled 1920’s style death ray for Christmas. You can play with it whenever you want. I hope that this leads you to get something impractical that you may enjoy, a 1920’s style death ray, for example, then you can bring yours over and we can have fun together. Now, I know that you are as excited as your wife about the new 1920’s style death ray that us kids gave you, but relax, I will help you install it and load it into your van
To my Sister-in-law: I know that you are excited by you new child. She is a healthy little baby and quite cute. However, my world does not revolve around her diapers and her little “1920’s style death rays”, as you so blithely call them. Also, I invited you over for a meal, I know that this means there will be a lot of dishes, don’t feel obligated to put things into out 1920’s style death ray, we can do that ourselves. Just take it easy and have some fun.
To my mother and father: Just relax, every minute of December is not going to resemble a Currier and Ives, or Norman Rockwell moment, stop planning everything, sit back have some fun. Let me show you my new 1920’s style death ray.
To my brother: What is it with you? Do you really think that all those conspiracies exist? Target is not owned by a French corporation providing 1920’s style death rays to Iraqi insurgent fighters, I know you found some information on the internet, it is false.
To my boss: Thanks for the bonus, it was much bigger than I anticipated and I really enjoyed it. Now, can we get down to business and get our beloved software to meet the needs of us workers? You would think that the IT department didn’t realize we are out there in the real world where a laptop 1920’s style death ray is not the only way to get things done. I know that you have the mission of the organization in mind, but think about us workers, if we have inferior resources we can’t do the work.
Thanks, I feel better now, by the way if you want to visit don’t expect me to spend a lot of time with you now; I’m playing with my 1920’s style death ray.
