Yes, that's right, another breakup on the SDMB

I was going to post a long, drawn-out, fairly whiny diatribe about the issues my girlfriend and I were sorting through, but now that it’s over I’ll just recount the gory details instead.

Last Sunday I told K. that I didn’t know if I could deal with the state of our relationship. We’d been doing the long-distance thing for the past three months, and were currently on a brief two-week period where we were in the same city for the first time since May. The next morning I was catching a flight back to Fake London, and I was dismayed and pissed off that she didn’t seem at all concerned that I was leaving. We talked for an hour in the driveway of her parents’ house, where she was staying for the next week before she moved to Ottawa for her job.

We had a lot of impediments to our relationship. Besides the distance, she’s Catholic and I’m lapsed. She believes in complete abstinence before marriage, and once admitted to me (while we were dating) that she was considering joining a sisterhood. I get moody and emotional while she keeps her thoughts and feelings to herself. But we shared so many interests - art, music, going on spontaneous road trips to small random towns, cooking weird and unpronounceable foods, swing dancing…the list goes on and on. We’d gone to highschool together, had e-mailed each other while we traveled the world and tried to discover ourselves, and seven years later finally were in the right place at the right time to see if we were meant for each other.

Tonight, K. and I talked on the phone. For the first time since I left last week. Up until tonight, the only contact we’d had were flurries of e-mails back and forth about the nature of our relationship. She felt I wasn’t including her in my future plans, I felt that how could I do that if emotionally I wasn’t sure she wanted to be with me, she needs me to commit before she can open up, I can’t commit unless I have a degree of intimacy…and around and around, like some perverse, out-of-control ferris wheel.

On the phone I asked her point-blank whether or not she could ever see herself, at some undetermined point in the distant future, saying she loved me. I waited a minute. All I got was silence. And that was it, in my mind. We talked some more about how good it was at the start, how we both still liked each other, why she was simply incapable of revealing her feelings to anyone, and then we said goodnight and I asked her to call me once she reaches Ottawa.

And then, afterwards?

I went to the kitchen. I made myself an eggplant, bacon, and provolone sandwich.

I want to believe she’ll send me an e-mail or a postcard or call me in the middle of the night saying she’s changed her mind, but the chances of that happening are about as likely as me swimming the English Channel. I want her to show some emotion, to let go, to be the crazy and carefree person that she once convinced me she was.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Seeing Garden State last night has not put me in the proper frame of mind to deal with this.

This sounds like a power struggle to me. Anyone else?

I am amazed you didn’t see it yourself. Read your post again. The time has long past since you should have told her. It sounds to me like you both have the same issues. Neither one of you wants to give in. Is this the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with? It sounds like it is to me. Why else would you want her to declare her love for you? But it also sounds to me like you could just be in it for the chase.

This girl has been your friend for many years. She has been faithful to you. She has shown you her love even though she has not stated it. It took you a week to call her, yet you complain about the length of time. Boy, you need to make up your mind and be brave enough to let your feelings be known. Are you waiting for her to claim she loves you before you decide whether you love her? Frankly I think you have already decided and just failed to let her know.

Unless you let your feelings out, you will never hear the words you want to hear. Or feel the feelings of true love. All you are doing now is repressing.

If you keep up like this, you will live to regret it.

“Walk it off.” --Paula Poundstone

I’ve told you before, you’re a fine looking young man, so hop on a plane already to NY. Sara will make it all better. :wink: :wink: :wink:

Thanks, Sensualips, for your advice. Even though reading it caused my computer to spontaneously combust.

Yes, I can see that. We’re both very stubborn people. But trust me, I don’t bottle my feelings up like I think you assume I do. Having been in a long-distance relationship before, I said at the start that we need to tell each other what we’re thinking, how we’re feeling, or else things aren’t going to work out. I feel like I did that. I’ve told her that I miss her and I care for her and that I think she’s beautiful and amazing. Which I do. I haven’t told her I love her because I don’t take that word lightly, but I have said that I could see this developing into love. I just don’t think she was as comfortable as I was at expressing her feelings.

She’s told me she doesn’t like admitting she has a boyfriend. She feels pressured when I attempt to initiate physical or emotional intimacy. She gets distant and monosyllabic on the telephone. At other times, we have the most amazing connection. She’ll send me pieces of art that she’s drawn, and they’re wonderful. So I don’t know. She makes me physically and emotionally tired. I probably do the same to her.

And the worst part is - these are things I admit to her, and I’m usually met with silence. I don’t tell her just the good parts.

We were never really close in high school - though we sort of travelled in the same circles. We got to know each other a bit better over e-mail, but moreso during the occasional three month breaks when we’d find ourselves living in the same city.

I feel like our relationship stalled somewhere. I really liked her once, but now, I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s worth salvageing. I’m fairly sure we could remain good friends, though.

She’s not in an emotional or mental place where she wants to be your SO, and given the length of time you’ve been “connected” I would imagine she should know her own mind on this issue by now. It’s time to move on to a girl who can settle down. When someone is as hesitant as she is to express her feelings for you, it’s a pretty damn good indicator that the feelings she has are not the specific ones you want her to have.

One of the absolute worst things you can do, and I mean WORST, is to pressure her to commit to you and have her agree to your desires if her heart is not in it. It’s a hell of a lot easier to say goodbye now, than if there are kids and property involved. Trust me on this.

This is an impossibly difficult scenario to make work, esp given the intermittent, long distance nature of the relationship. Have good memories for what you had, but you need to move on.

OKOKOK I regret it.

Eggplant, bacon, and provolone sandwich?

You have issues beyond just “girl trouble”. :smiley:

Yeah…if you think that stuff is fun, wait until you meet a girl who likes sucking cock. Sounds like you got yourself a nice good old platonic friend there.

Look, I sympathize with these feelings (or whatever you call them) that you are going through but for me the abstinence thing would be a deal breaker. It sounds like you have a bad case of “this is the only girl for me”-itis. Believe me, she aint.

Why on Earth would you say something like that? Keep that shit to yourself! If you want a girl to stick around, she needs to think that she needs you much more than you need her. You can’t be all expressing your feelings and shit!

My friends girlfriend told him the other day “My biggest fear is that you will get tired of me and I’ll be alone…what’s your biggest fear?”

He replied - “Getting eaten by a bear…although I think more people are actually killed each year by hippos…”

I assume you like musicals and stuff. Did you ever see Beauty and the Beast. All he has to do is tell that girl he loves her to break the curse (as if superhuman strength and a big mansion where no one bothers you is a curse). It still takes him HOURS to do even that!! That should be you.

“All we have to do to break the curse is express our true love for each other!!”
“Stop smothering me…”

Yeah…break up with her. She sounds nuts. At the very least she doesn’t like you as anything more than a friend and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Sorry for the tough love but its for your own good. The sooner you move on, the sooner you can move on.

Hm. Could someone please check if everyone in hell is strapping on ice skates? I agree with msmith537. To an extent. It does sound as if there’s more feelings on your side than on hers.
I also think the list of likes and dislikes you have are based on things that, essentially, aren’t really all that important. What is important? Well, for starters the religion thing. To lots of people, it’s very important, and it sounds as if she’s one of those people. To you it isn’t. That’s a big gulf to bridge. Your personality types. If your discussions with her are mostly one sided, and you’re the one doing all the talking, then there’s something missing on the other end.
Your attitudes toward a physical relationship. Also a subject on which you should be on fairly even ground, as one person is going to end up resenting the other if you aren’t.
It’s like saying “But, we’re so perfect! We both like Chinese food and Quentin Tarantino movies!” Dig a little deeper. Find someone who cares about the same things you do, and shares your views on what you think is really important. Being stubborn is fine, but eventually someone has to be willing to compromise. And a constant battle for control is just miserable. Trust me. I know whereof I speak.

Okay, it’s twenty-four hours later, the romantic squooshiness of Garden State is starting to mellow, and I haven’t made myself any arsenic cocktails yet, so maybe this is all for the best.

I never said I was thinking straight. It wasn’t that bad, actually. :slight_smile:

If that offer includes back massages, I’m so there. :wink:

This Corona in my hand and I say heck yeah! :stuck_out_tongue:

They also say I probably should wait a week or so to see Garden State a second time (much as I want to) because I’m mending a broken heart as well.

Mmm beer.