It depends on the situation. A one-off, purely sexual fling, I might be willing to forgive. I don’t think a stupid mistake like this should have to automatically mean the end of a relationship, we are all only human after all.
Repeated sexual flings, that would be a problem.
And an ongoing, emotionally involved affair - hell no. I’ve been through that one before. I broke up with him, but took him back after he managed to convince me that he had finished with her and it would never happen again. We stayed together for about a year and a half after that, and I don’t believe he ever cheated again - the problem was that I never got over my anger toward him. Even now, four years after we broke up for good, it still really pisses me off to think about it. There may be people who can forgive and forget but I learned from this that I am not one of them, and I won’t even try to do it again.
See, and the thing is, that’s the right choice for you, and you know that now.
The only reason I dive into these topics so ferociously is that while I can understand that there are a lot of people in the world who could not forgive cheating, or to whom MORE damage would be caused if they did…others don’t seem to be willing to give me or my husband the option of NOT being like that. Last time a thread like this went by…:
(After the above quote, my husband registered here and posted a brief rebuttal, but was largely ignored.)
It was a great revelation to me that my husband had as much forgiveness in my heart as he did.
I guess I just get somewhat upset (as upset as I can over the opinions of people I don’t know, anyhow) because when folks condemn a cheater, they do it with an unbelievable amount of hate, and many don’t seem open to the possibility that not everyone looks at the world the way they do. You’ll not that the above don’t say “I think” or “It’s been my experience that”…they are stated as Truths.
I’m not saying ANYONE has to look at their (or anyone else’s) relationships the way Tark and I look at ours. If someone’s been hurt by cheating, I can easily see where he or she would find the idea of cheating unforgivable. I can’t help but wonder how many people might eventually have turned their relationships around if they’d been willing to listen to their partners when it came time for explanations (not excuses, and not “trying to get my fat out of the fire;” explanations) and try to work it through. Obviously not all relationships could (or SHOULD!!) be salvaged in this way…especially not if the cheater has the gall to claim ANYTHING resembling the moral high ground…talk about presumptuous! (Even having cheated myself, I find the “I’m the victim, here!” mentality to be repulsive.)
I have wandered so off the OP as to be almost unrecognizable. I guess all I’m trying to say is, while some of you would be utterly unable to forgive cheating, and others have been burned horribly by it in the past, I don’t think that all cheaters (or cheatees, for that matter) necessarily deserve to be painted with the same brush.
Of course, as a cheater, that’s in my own self-interest, isn’t it? But I stand by it.
A guy I worked with had several affairs, though he dearly loved his wife. The thought of her having an affair was not accepted because he loved her and didn’t love these other women. I had a lot of trouble trying to grasp that logic.
I’ve had ‘open’ relationships but only with women I liked a lot but not enough to marry and they felt the same. Protection was used. It was kind of fun and exciting.
Some people I know have SO’s who had affairs for various reasons and stayed together and nothing of the type ever happened again. Often, there are reasons, I agree. Personally, I’d find it hard to forgive if my lady allowed some other man to slide up her.
There are so many people who have numerous affairs and find nothing wrong with it, plus get all cocky and ‘proud’ of their encounters, even when their SO finds out, that it makes me wonder about some couples and why did they bother getting married.
I guess it depends. I am in absolutely no position of authority to speak here and I know it. I’m only 18, and the only relationship I’ve ever been in is the one I’m in now, has been going on for about 5 months.
Because of certain circumstances, I’ve had to contemplate my reaction to him cheating on me. In my mind, the biggest deciding factor would be whether he told me, or whether I found out some other way. IMO, if your SO tells you him/herself what’s going on, there is obviously some honesty, and an opportunity to trust again.
Hey Hamadryad, here’s a little support from a former cheatee! My college BF wasn’t always honest with me about other people he was seeing, and it was really painful (though to be fair, once I knew what the score was I had a couple of—always acknowledged—flings myself). I still don’t think he handled the situation real well, and was a bit too greedy in wanting to have lots of freedom plus a steady GF.
But you know what? I don’t think anymore that it was such a terrible thing. Hell, we were both so young; I would feel worse now if I thought he’d missed those chances to experiment than I do looking back on what did happen.
We did break up eventually—not over the infidelity issue—but we’re still really good friends. What it came down to was that in the course of our bumpy road to get to a trusting, affectionate, durable, committed relation to each other, occasional instances of cheating didn’t really matter next to the fact that we really liked and respected and cared about each other. I baked his wedding cake a couple of years ago—how cool is that?
(And no, he doesn’t cheat on his wife! It’s true, some people who cheat and lie really are selfish and uncaring—or what can be worse, weak and confused—and simply will not ever turn into people you can rely on. But for some people, and in some relationships, it’s just a painful but not valueless detour on the road to finding real happiness and trust.)
If you don’t like it then post in a private forum. If you don’t want to hear from people you don’t know why post here?
**
Did I say it was the worse thing you could do? Looking back I can see that I said no such thing. Did you do it after he found out and after you started to work things out? If so then he is a doormat.
**
I’m sure many therapist will say that cheating is helpful to most relationships.
**
If you do cheat and end up working through it with your spouse I wouldn’t think you’re scum. If you worked through it with your spouse and did it again then I’d think you were scum. But of course why would you want to hear from someone you don’t even know on a public forum?
My college BF wasn’t always honest with me about other people he was seeing, and it was really painful (though to be fair, once I knew what the score was I had a couple of—always acknowledged—flings myself). I still don’t think he handled the situation real well, and was a bit too greedy in wanting to have lots of freedom plus a steady GF.