Dear Crushlink:
You’ve been stalking me for years now.
It started in high school … I was a lonely outcast with few friends and fewer female. “Ooh, someone has a crush on me. Maybe my life isn’t so pathetic after all.”
That first crush. That elusive crush. I never did find out who it was.
You taunted me so … every few weeks you sent me an email. “Guess these clues right and we’ll tell you who your crush is!” I was a fool. I was a lonely, depressed fool. I was a lonely, outcast, ostracized, depressed fool and I guessed.
Forgive me, Cecil, for I have sinned.
In ensuing months crushlink tried to get me time and again. And every time I would get that close … I actually guessed one right once, I think. I boldly entered the email addresses fo people it might be, oblivious to what this was doing to them (“Someone has a crush on YOU! Click here to find out who it is!” AAAAAAAAUGH!).
Once in a while Crushlink tried to entrap me again. They’d send a hint, and it made no sense (come to think of it, I don’t ever remember entering hints when I used that service). “She’s really fond of penguins, and she’s been to Lithuania.” Great, Crushlink.com, but I know nobody like that. So either someone’s been fucking with you, or you’re making it up. Either way, I don’t give two shits. I don’t like penguins and I have no desire to go to Lithuania. It would be doomed from the start. Alas, alack, all is lost, dies irae, dies illa, etc.
But I was not the only doper taken in by the wily ways of crushlink.com. Yea, verily, “Okay, so who has a crush on me?” proves that. And in the end it was one doper sending a crushlink.com email to another doper who guessed at a few possibilities (myself included), which got me guessing at a few possibilities. It’s Six degrees of Dopers, Crushlink style. Connect Polycarp back to … himself! (answer: cjhoworth, myself, Guin, back to Polycarp. Or something. I might have half of that reversed. Whatever. Dies irae, etc.)
And then today. Years after I, so foolishly but feeling so utterly alone, registered at Crushlink.com, I get this email:
“We’ll tell you who your crush is!”
Purely for shits and giggles, I open the email.
“Click here to find out who your crush is!”
Why the fuck should I care, you ask? I have a fiancee, and if anyone has a crush on me they’re mostly wasting their time if they’re hoping it’ll become anything hot and steamy. Sorry to be so blunt, but it’s true.
Out of mild curiosity as to if Crushlink actually still remembered who this supposed crush was (and really, I signed up so long ago it would probably be someone from a hbz chatroom. Either that or a prank), I click on the link.
All I have to do is enter my physical address and other identifying information and Presto Chango my Crush is revealed!
Fuckthatshit. Uh-Uh. I want the fucking creator of that site to sign a document IN BLOOD stating that s/he will not only reveal to me the names of my theoretical “crushes” but will also stop the program entirely. That’s right, folks, no periodical “Click here to find out a hint about your secret crush!” emails. I’m sure our lives will all be shattered.
But no. I’ve already gotten phone calls more than once from spammers (had to register for certain amusing/enjoyable services, and figured the prizes I could win [again, forgive me Cecil, for I ahve sinned] were worth them having a phone number I don’t even now use anymore). Crushlink.com is NOT getting my phone number. They are not sending me any more email than I already get from them, nor am I going to get snail mail from them. They will not receive my demographic information. They will never find out anything more about me than I told them that fateful day when I was 16 and very foolish, very lonely, very desperate.
You almost had me, Crushlink. But no. it could never be. See, I am a human being whereas you are a godless, evil-spamming website preying on those who actually believe you care about their personal lives.
Fuck off and die,
iampunha
