You are now the God of Christmas! What is your will, O my Master?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am the Genie of Big Career Changes. With a wave of my magic wand and a sprinkle of Martha Stewart’s Own Exclusive Brand of Imported French Pixie Dust, I now transform you into the God of Christmas! (or Goddess, if you prefer to be gender-oriented about this). POOF!!

What is your will? What would you like to change? What should Christmas be?

Perhaps I might make a few suggestions…? What about new federal legislation that prohibits Wal-Mart from putting Christmas merchandise on the shelves before, say, November 15? Or maybe an eternal moritorium on the plinking out of “The First Noel” on the piano by the terminally keyboard-challenged? The Jinn News Network reports that on Aldebaran IV they’re very pleased with the results of the new death penalty for the performing in public of “The Little Drummer Boy” by anyone over the age of 6.

Take your time, there’s no hurry. We have all Eternity.

2

With a wave of my hand, I would remove every vestige of Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Samhain, etc, from government property and make it so that no local yahoo city council would ever agin get they loopy idea that they can get around the Constitution. I would especially go after goofy attempts to go around the law with things like “The Jingle Elf Parade” here in Chicago.

And then I’d give a chocolate Santa to every Christian in their right shoe on December 6th. God, I love that tradition. :slight_smile:

See, I’m not a Grinch. I just want a refund from the city of Chicago for my tax money that went toward this Jingle Elf Parade.

3
  1. Decorations for Christmas are sacred, therefore they shall not go up before Thanksgiving. Let the turkeys have their day.
  2. Carols are to be played with at least some skill and taste. Since this is the season of peace and good will to mankind, however, you shall not inflict them on those who don’t want to hear them.
  3. We understand that retailers need to make a profit. Fine. Thou shalt not shove it down our throats. Thou shalt not make America into a culture of obsessive money wasting morons, who do nothing but sit around and drool until you announce Yet Another Big Sale around Christmas time.
  4. Malls will be open real late, to accomodate crowds.
  5. Thou shalt endavor to make those of other faiths and those who have rancorous thoughts about Christmas to feel at ease.
  6. Thou shalt go easy on the schmaltz. Every TV show does not need a “Christmas” episode.
  7. Thou shalt take the holiday with at least some sort of respect. The God of Christmas knows where you live, and your roof will make a dandy reindeer pit stop.
  8. Thou shalt remember that the reason for the season was originally “Peace on Earth” not “Fleece the Earth”.
  9. Thou shalt not get angry if people choose not to celebrate with you. Life isn’t fair, and you won’t get your way all the time, so practice that “Peace on Earth” thing.
  10. And finally, thou shalt remember not everyone celebrates the season, so make allowances for them. If atheists/Jews/whoever wish to work, so be it.
4

I’m an easygoing sort of god. I have only two commandments that must be followed:

  1. No plastic decorations of any sort. No fake plastic wreaths. No brightly colored plastic Santas. No glowing plastic nativities. No plastic.
  2. Create bows that have enough adhesive on them so that they don’t fall off the packages everytime you breath near them.

amen

5

I have to admit, Saint Zero’s plan sounds good to me. I would simply state that:

  1. There shall be absolutely no mention of anything Christmas-related until Santa Claus shows up at the end of Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.

  2. The playing of Christmas carols in the workplace is strictly prohibited, unless you work in a department store or a Christmas theme store. This law is specifically directed to the person in the cube next to me, who has waaaaay too much Christmas spirit for a guy in his fifties. I am tired of hearing the same Christmas CD played literally 12 times a day! Aaaarrgghhhhhh! Yet when I nicely say something, I am a “Scrooge”.

  3. Christmas presents shall be reserved for children. The rest of us will agree to spend our money on presents for ourselves, thus ensuring that we all get what we actually want.

6

I agree with pretty much all the above, but would include a rule that the seasonal exterior lighting at any private residence cannot exceed 300 watts.

7

  1. Redistribute the spirit of this season so the generosity that people currently feel would be manifest every single day of the year.

  2. In leiu of item number one, unlimited personal wealth so that I could stand in for the lack of generosity displayed by people throughout the rest of the year.

8

Hmmm…the Christmas episode comment above makes me want to add in another power:

I shall be in full control over what Christmas specials are show on TV.

No good special or movie (Grinch, Charlie Brown, Rudolph, Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, Muppet Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story) is allowed to be shown only on cable; they may be shown on cable, but must also be shown on prime time network television (and one with real coverage, which eliminates UPN and WB right there).

Bad specials, as determined by me (hey, it’s my fantasy!) shall be banished to the hells of QVC, perhaps at 3:00 am after Suzanne Sommers is finished hocking her books. This shall include, but not be limited to, Frosty the Snowman, any Christmas Carol with out either Alistair Sims or Michael Caine, Christmas in Conneticut (the Kris Kristofferson remake), Home Alone 1-whatever, The Jew’s Christmas (I have no idea what this is, but it’s an actual IMDB entry from 1913) and the Very Brady Christmas.

Two further notes:
Of the bad movies, I will make one exception: “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,” a movie that must have had drugs involved. My local PBS station shows it every year, and it was MSTied, of course. A sick, sick, movie about Martians kidnapping Santa Claus. Every year I end up gasping for breath because I’m laughing too hard…

One special that shall be returned to prime-time under threat of torture is “The Year Without A Santa Clas.” Simply brilliant work. Great songs, wonderful animation. I feel sorry for the kids who haven’t had a chance to see it. Thankfully, it’s available on VHS and DVD.

9

Imagine the beautiful found of:

“ching-ching-ching ching-ching-ching ching-ching-ching-ching-ching baw-baw baw Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Chriszzzzzzziiiiiipppp” and then silence. forever.