What Christmas Legislation Would You Pass?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First the disclaimer to avoid offending the sensitive (in Xmas colors no-less):

Christmas and other December holidays should be observed however an individual sees fit, be that by spending half their annual salary and maxing out their credit cards on gifts or by spending it asocially in a melancholy tavern grunting bah humbug. There should be no attempt to legislate anything having to do with its celebration or lack of.

But if there were legislation, or some sort of “Christmas Constitution”, and you were the ultimate authority over it, what would you pass? It can be related to gift giving/decorating/etiquette/singing or any other aspect of the holidays.
A few of mine:
RE: GIFT GIVING
***Christmas gifts are primarily for minor children and spouses/significant others. All others should accept this. ONLY THE FOLLOWING OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD EXPECT INDIVIDUALIZED GIFTS FROM OF MORE THAN A TOKEN COMMERCIAL VALUE (TCV):

–very close friends: as in “I know the names of the last 2 people you have had sex with and your work number is on my speed dial” close friends, and even then see below under “notification decrees”

–people directly above you or directly below you on an administrative flow chart (i.e. bosses, secretaries, employees you directly supervise, and see below under “workplace decrees”)

–that’s about it

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT EXPECT TO RECEIVE ANYTHING OF MORE THAN TCV (and not even expect to receive that) include but are not limited to the following:

–Any relative who lives within 100 miles from you that you have not seen or called more than twice in the past 12 months

–If I have never been to your house and you have never been to mine, we’re not close enough to exchange gifts of a TCV regardless of how long we’ve been friends or if we’re related

–newspaper deliverers (thanks for the card though)

–Any relative or friend who you have not heard from since last Christmas regardless of how far away they may live (forwarded emails do not count as “heard from”)

–siblings are a gray area, but aunts/uncles/cousins aren’t. If we are not close in addition to being relatives, do not expect a gift. You won’t be disappointed. Likewise do not buy a gift, and I will not be disappointed, and you can apply the money you save towards the Christmas Compensation Packages (CCPs) of your spouse/minor children/ and other Obligation Gifts (OGs).
NOTIFICATION DECREES-

If you are a friend, even a close friend under the “workplace on my speed dial” definition, make sure it is known whether or not we will be exchanging gifts of above TCV this year. It is alright to be blunt and ask. In fact, if I don’t bring it up by, say, Thanksgiving, then go ahead and ask me.

If either party of any two friends should state “I’d really rather not exchange gifts this year- let’s have dinner/go to a show/smoke weed and discuss Socrates and butterscotch together/whatever/” instead, IT AUTOMATICALLY AND BY DEFINITION IS THE ACE OF SPADES AND TRUMPS YOUR “LET’S EXCHANGE” IDEA. (Now it’s quite alright for you to exchange with others, couldn’t care less.)
Related to the above:
If I say “I"d rather not”, it might be because I’m short on money or it might not be- I’ve put an embargo on gifts when I’ve been flush and when I’ve been broke. Don’t ask don’t tell.
Further related to the above:
If you’re one of those people who when I say “no gifts this year please” who thinks/says and even means “Well, I’m going to get you something, I don’t expect anything in return”- even if you really don’t expect anything in return, please understand that it makes me feel awkward to receive a gift when I don’t have one in return.

WORKPLACE

—When it comes to decorations and parties, go wild (well, wild within reason). When it comes to gifts of above TCV, different story.

–If a boss makes significantly more than a direct subordinate, s/he should have the courtesy to state “Don’t give me anything [of above TCV]”. (My boss actually does this, and I appreciate it; I do it for my student workers, but they usually insist on getting me something anyway, which I appreciate but really wish they wouldn’t because they’re all “broke students”.)

–NO. DIRTY. SANTA. EVER in the workplace. You wouldn’t believe how much resentment I’ve seen this cause. (I’ve never actually participated in it myself, and it’s because of this.)

–As for gifts of above TCV between co-workers, DRAW NAMES. It gets damned expensive having to get something for everybody and I don’t want to be the one who gave everybody a Reese’s cup when you gave them $25 gift certificates and I don’t want to give you a $25 gift certificate if you’re getting me a Reese’s cup.

–Understand that my most expensive gifts are going to the broke people under me- deal with it.

GENERAL ETIQUETTE

NEVER reveal any disappointment or meh with a gift. NEVER say “That won’t fit” or “I don’t like those colors” or “I’ve already got this” or whatever. While this Should Be a No Brainer [SBNB] to anyone without Aspergers, I mention “cuz it’s happened”.

At the same point, ALWAYS include the gift receipt with a gift. It is not nearly as poor etiquette for the recipient to ask you about how to exchange it as it is for you not to give them the info and docs they need to exchange it.

NEVER give anybody any of the following items for Christmas UNLESS THEY HAVE SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR IT (no exceptions):

ANYTHING that is alive. If you know the person gardens then plants might be a gray area, but animals never are (another SBNB but apparently isn’t")

ANY TYPE OF ARTWORK BIGGER THAN A SHOEBOX (unless you are positive beyond doubt they love that particular artist or design or whatever)

Anything risque unless you know them VERY well (another SBNB but apparently etc.)

NEVER ask “Where is the _____ I gave you?” if you visit their house and don’t see it. Assume they love it so much it’s in the master bathroom so they can see it every morning when they shower.

Always either telephone or send written thanks for gifts received by mail or otherwise in absentia from the giver. E-mails qualify as written thanks- you don’t have to write it on personalized cotton stationary and pour hot wax and affix your seal, but this is more than courtesy: it lets the person who mailed it know you got it and their money wasn’t wasted.

Well, I can think of tons more, but I’ll see if anybody else wants to play.

2

Another decree: Gift Cards may be impersonal, but if it’s for someone you don’t know super well (i.e. you’ve never hung out or been to each other’s houses), they’re just fine. In fact, they’re good.

And if you know the person’s broke, cash is just fine. Though give it to them in a card or something, and have a very de nada but sincere attitude. (And another SBNB that apparently isn’t- for God’s sake don’t mention “I gave Jimmy $50 cause I figure he needed that more than a sweater” when Jimmy’s there, unless Jimmy is under 16.)

3

A total ban on the playing of a certain mixed-language holiday song.

Come to that, as much as I dislike the idea of a national arts council, I gotta admit that some council declaring certain holiday music to be officially Bad, Mentally Damaging, and therefore Off Limits would have a lot of public service justification.

4

For malls: Christmas music can be played in the public areas, but NOT inside the stores themselves. No employee could be reasonably held liable for slaughtering her family after hearing Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer 5 x per day for 30 days.

5

No displaying of Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, Kwanzaa, or any such shit prior to Black Friday. No ho-ho-ing, no nuttin.

Do not take traditional carols and ethnicise them. Not yours.

All Christmas crap must be removed from your lawn no later than the day after New Years. I do not want to see a deflated Frosty, looking like a Yeti’s used condom on your lawn the week of Valentine’s Day.

Thassall for now. :wink:

6

The day after Christmas will be a common holiday that many people will have off, much like the day after Thanksgiving. I always have to put in for this day off months in advance. After all the fuss of Christmas Day, what with the food, travel, food, present-opening, and food, the last thing I want to do the day after is go to work.

7

Oh thank you sir! I will gladly work for your Supreme Chancellor of Christmas campaign. Working at the Gap during the holiday season made me want to kill everyone. That damned CD plays every freakin day all season long. Made me want to go out and get my own homicidal reindeer.

No more of those giant snow globe lawn ornaments.

Stop expecting expensive gifts from broke people. Be thankful for what you get (you’re lucky you get anything). On that note, if you decide to go out and exceed the spending limit, too bad. Everyone else isn’t such a rebel.

8

Amen to that. Add to that, the people who program the holiday muzak who think that “Winter Wonderland” is ok to play 6 times in an hour as long as it’s sung by 6 different artists, will be hunted down and shot.

Also customers that tell me that christmas is fun and that I should be smiling as I’m atop the ladder hanging garland off the ceiling per corporate orders.

9

Of course, you can’t legislate something like this, but if I had my way, I would just eliminate “Christmas” altogether, and call it “End of the Year Days Off,” moving it next to New Year’s so that people get a long weekend as with Thanksgiving. Christmas has become a pointless holiday; the average person in the U.S. spends large amounts of his/her hard-earned cash on things that for the most part are a waste of money, and are done only because…well, “It’s Christmas.” That’s the only reason. (I don’t know how many times I’ve received a gift at Christmas that was completely useless to me, when I’d much rather just have been invited to dinner.) In the U.S., Christmas is the economy masturbating.

If you want to show someone how much you appreciate him/her, give him/her a gift on his/her birthday. Or just write a letter or a card. (And really write something meaningful, not just, “I hope you enjoy this generic Hallmark greeting.”) It seems to me pathetically dense for TV stations and repertory theaters to air or put on productions of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, to advertise or attract shoppers, getting them into the “spirit of the season” (i.e., spend more money). In that novel, Scrooge was swayed by humanitarian concerns (and, of course, the prediction of his own, uncelebrated death). Like some other Dickens novels, it was an anti-capitalist tract. It had nothing to do with Christ, nor with buying things.

I know that many people melt into a warm and fuzzy state just at the mention of “Christmas,” or when some carol comes on the radio or shopping mall PA system in late November or December. I guess it’s because they relate it to childhood memories, because as an adult, it really means stress (to buy, buy, buy, decorate, decorate, decorate) and a workplace party where something is likely to go wrong. As a kid, however, you (hopefully) just got your favorite toy and a candy cane. That’s why I feel that, if we change anything about late December, just make it something for young kids.

Also, I’d really like to have someone who puts this on their lawn at least offer some kind of explanation for why they’d do such a thing, but it’s their lawn, so what the heck.

10

This line has got to be re-used before a far larger audience somewhere. :wink:

11

slight hijack When I was married in 1992, we got a LOT of shitty, tacky, shiny shit that we swore would never see the light of day. So, not to upset my husband’s Nanna, who we believe gave us the gold cheese grater with the enamalled butterfly on it because she won it at bingo, we devised the ‘tacky present cupboard’. Into this cupboard went all the shit we didn’t like with a list inside the cupboard door. The list had the gift and the giver on it, therefore, when Nanna was coming over, we’d run our finger down the list, and say “Lo, Nanna gave us the shitty cheese grater”, and when the tight-fisted old biddy arrived, there in pride of place was the cheese grater. She still didn’t put us in the will though.

12

For this very reason, if it were up to me, Christmas would be on a set Friday every year. That way, people would have a nice, long weekend every year to celebrate with family and friends and have time to recover adequately before going back to work. There’d be none of this “Christmas is on a Tuesday” B.S. I’ll be back at work bright and early at 7:30 on the 26th this year, incidentally.

13

I should not be expected to go to children’s Christmas plays unless one of my own children is a participant, particularly in cases where said children are under the age of 6 and the ‘play’ involves a teacher trying desperately to get the little monsters to belt out a Christmas tune and not pick their noses onstage. Since I have no children, I expect to never be asked to attend one these.

I welcome Sampiro as our new Christmas overlord. …or something.

14

But those are the only “good” ones!

15

If you are an employer and you are going to be handing out holiday bonuses, having holiday parties, hosting gift exchanges in the lunchroom, etc., let your employees know this well in advance. Before thanksgiving would be good, actually. Do not tell me today that tomorrow we are exchanging gifts or say nothing about bonuses leaving me to wonder if I can expect a little extra cash or not.

16

Well, as long as we’re suspending reality…

Decree #1 - No holiday cards. All holiday correspondence will be conducted electronically. If you don’t have a computer or appropriate handheld device, tough shit. Join us in the 21st Century.

Decree #2 - No artificially-created demand. Any consumer goods manufacturer that claims to not be able to get its supply chain act together will automatically forfeit any intellectual property rights. Private label Nintendo Wii knockoffs will thus thrive.

Decree #3 - No holiday lighting one-upmanship. An electricity cap will be imposed for the month of December, which will be equal to consumption for the month of November + 20 percent. Go over that cap and your electricity gets shut off. Want a dozen backlit reindeer on the front lawn? Kill your TV to save juice.

Decree #4 - No bad Christmas puns in advertising. To assist with enforcement, all holiday ads must include the CEO’s name, home address and home telephone number, along with an “I’m [Corporate CEO] and I approved this message” announcement. Bad puns in advertising will result in a grant of amnesty to any angry mobs willing to take action.

Decree #5 - Equal time for non-holiday music. Should air time for holiday music exceed 50% of total on-air minutes, the offending station must surrender 50% of Q4 advertising dollars to the Salvation Army. Unless the station is owned by Clear Channel, in which case the forfeiture is 100%.

17

Oh please. You haven’t really experienced Christmas until you get to witness the spectacle of one little angel belting another little angel with his harp because “she stole my halo!” and then watching a third angel burst into unconsolable tears because yet a fourth angel called her a poo-breath, which causes Mother Mary to wade into the fray swinging the Little Baby Jesus by his plastic feet to brain the second angel for stealing her brother’s halo, which in turn triggers Joseph to run crying to his Mommy because all the excitement and tension of being the Father of Our Lord in the Christmas pagent made him pee his pants.

Now, that’s Christmas for you.

Why, no, our mother has not yet let us forget the Christmas of 1979 (speaks Mother Mary), why do you ask? :smiley:

18

No one should take offense when offered the well wishes of the season. These people are wishing you happy and trying to be nice, not throwing Christianity in your face or stealing your holiday or making fun of you by mentioning Solstice or ignoring your premium holiday by playing it safe with Happy New Year or whatever.

However, people should be cautious in sending out Christmas cards that imply non-believers will go to hell. (Ones with the Virgin and Child on it and “Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men” should be taken with the Peace on Earth message being a good one - “and look at that picture of the cute baby, I hope she liked my cute kittens under a tree” - ones that admonish me to “remember the Christ in Christmas” are not appreciated.

19

:smiley:

Christmas is supposed to be happy, so I would ban the public playing of mournful/glurgy music (especially if the song mentions shoes).

20

there will be no pubic displays of of decorations, nor stocking of any christmas merchandise on any store shelf prior to dec 1.
All music in public places most have a minimum of 20% non christmas music