Well, shoot. There goes my *Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer * codpiece.
Also, I do not want to see a million pictures of your precious son/daughter/poodle/real doll/whatever dressed up in holiday outfits, sitting on santa’s lap, or doing anything else related to the holidays. Just because Christmas is here doesn’t make me any more interested in your personal life than I was 3 weeks ago.
All grandparents with more cash than sense are hereby required to put any budgeted money in excess of $100 per child into a college fund and not waste it on more plastic (lead-bearing no doubt) crap that plays horrifying electronic music which I will just give away to charity in two months unless I can figure out how to return it for store credit because no household can absorb that volume of useless stuff.
The baby Jesus says that’s a beautiful metaphor.
Me, I sort of like Christmas. I’d decree a week off from Christmas to New Year’s for everybody who wanted it. Restaurant servers and retail clerks would NOT be expected to spend their time serving others. I would decree snow, of course… for Christmas, Christmas Eve, and New Year’s Day. The thought of having snow in October, November, February or March would of course be laughable.
I’d support this on a daily basis – the power gets shut off each day when usage goes over 120% of the November average daily usage, and the power comes back on at 2 AM.
In the case of Clear Channel, I have to ask: “What do you mean, ‘what for?’”
Phil Spector’s “A Christmas Gift For You” is the best Christmas album ever made, and it shall have preference over all others.
Any radio station that plays nothing but Christmas music from mid-November to Christmas shall have its broadcasting license revoked.
Black Friday sales cannot begin before 7 a.m. Lines for said sales cannot be allowed to form before 5 a.m.
It is legal to like fruitcake.
It is legal to not like fruitcake.
It shall henceforth be extremely ILLEGAL to try to push fruitcake on a non-fruitcake-liker. If the words, "But you haven’t tried my fruitcake, it’s different!" are uttered, the punishment shall be summary execution.
Also, all wrapping paper manufactured beginning January 1st, 2008, shall have grid lines printed on the back, because that’s the only way some of us should be trusted with a scissors.
Christmas shall be held once every four years, like the Olympics.
All attempts to rewrite “The night before Christmas” as a commercial advertisement are punishable by law.
Attempts with egregiously bad meter are punishable by death. The method shall be by being boiled with their own pudding and then being buried with a stake of holly through their heart.
Errors merely in rhyming words but otherwise correct meter are punishable by imprisonment.
Heck, get the meter and the rhyme right (even allowing for simple assonance) and you might just get by with just public humiliation.
I swear - there’s not one advertising drone in twenty that understands simple meter…
But why is saying “this won’t fit” or “I already have this” not OK on Christmas day but OK in a phone call a week later. Frankly, if simple facts like those offend the gifgiver, they need to grow a thicker skin.
Hi, I’m Justin_Bailey and you might remember me from lots of “Wii shortage” threads over the last 12 months. Today we’re going to talk about Business 101 and how Nintendo would have to be a moron to “artificially” hold back Wiis all year when there has been unprecedented demand.
Nintendo is already making more Wiis at a faster pace than any console in video game history. And now you expect to go even faster than that? Why?
Only sacred music or secular music at least 100 years old shall be played. No “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” no “Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer,” no “Dreidel, dreidel.”
I thought that had already been decreed. Why else does nearly every small business merchant in Los Angeles (about 65 degrees at noon) spray some kind of white stuff in their street-facing windows, in imitation of “snow.” On January 2nd (about 65 degrees at noon) they rub it off. Such strange behavior can be explained only by some kind of law–or is it just a desperate attempt to get some fool who’s never seen a flake of snow in his life to buy something?
No holiday-themed music of ANY kind on ANY radio station, store speaker system, mall speaker system, or any public building more than 14 days before Christmas Day. I don’t give a rip how early Thanksgiving was. Between D-14 and Christmas, one flarkin’ sappy, soppy, glurgy, cheesy pile of mush permitted every hour. Aside from this limitation, all institutions are free to decide for themselves what the damn reason for the season is, or whether meterology is an appropriate Christmas topic or whatever other tedious crap the no-life Jesus freaks are constantly trying to ram down our throats.
Anyone who wants to play Christmas music at work may play 4 songs per day. If you want to hammer the concept of an important guy getting born into everyone’s skulls, you’re just going to have to choose carefully.
Playing a beautiful, melodic classical instrumental piece and trying to pass it off as a Christmas song shall be classified as “doing the right thing for the wrong reason” and thus never be subject to more than tepid criticism.
Any and all heavy metal, techno, alt-rock, hardcore, and eurobeat Christmas songs may be played without limitation. 
Anyone 14 and older may suggest discussing with intended present recipients what the hell they actually want without catching any crap for it. (Anyone under 14 may also do so provided they’ve seriously considered the matter.) Buying/making and exchanging said presents shall be a perfectly legitmate exercise in Christmas giving. Furthermore, unless an intended recipient explicitly states that (s)he does not want to receive cash, it shall always be an absolutely appropriate present, and again, no crap. (Anyone who does make such a statement, however, shall be exempt from any tiresome “Give it to me!” comments.)
There will be at least a modicum of sales promotions, advertising, programming, commentary, civil discussion, holiday events etc. devoted to childless adults who just want to quiety enjoy the sights and sounds of the season and maybe spend some time with their loved ones.
Anyone who express the slightest beef about the phrase “Happy Holidays” on national television will be fined $1,000. $25,000 if (s)he’s serious.
Anyone who wants to debate The True Meaning of Christmas will be required to include, among other things, its pagan origins, the unlikeliness of Jesus being born in the dead of winter, and exactly how it got so commercialized in the discussion.