My list of non-negotiable holiday demands

The BBQ Pit
1

Coming to you from my bunker… erm… desk in the scenic finger lakes, please find enclosed my list of non-negotiable holiday demands.

I love the holiday’s. “Yeah, yeah, who doesn’t?” you might say. But I insist that after the age of 12, it isn’t easy to love the holiday season. Most people want to enjoy Christmas, but it takes non-stop, stress filled, superhuman effort from Nov 27 onward to be successful. That being the case, I must insist on the following:[ul]• Please reposition your 4 foot tall glowing Mary and Joseph to the curb for Thursday trash pickup. I know you are hiding a glowing baby Jesus for a surprise showing on the 25th, but move him out as well.
• If you must have them, make a trip to the hardware store and pick up strings of tasteful white lights. Jewel tones, pastels, and blinking lights cannot be substituted. Monochromatic blue or green themes will be considered on a case by case basis.
• Advertisers will desist in telling me that merry patriots will be spending lots of cash this season. I’ll be making substantially less this year than last (to the tune of about 60%). I’ll show my patriotism by keeping my flag up, complaining minimally, and buying gifts within my budget. Any merchant belly-aching that sales are “only up 3% this season” will be impaled vertically crotch to gullet, decorated in festive evergreen and tasteful white lights, and mounted on my front lawn as a warning to others.
• Shoppers will cease herding outside of stores waiting for them to open in hopes of running, pushing, and biting their way to minimal savings. Violators will spend the holiday mooing and bleeting in an animal pen.
• Kaufman’s department store will kindly send one of their lazy, phone chatting, teenie-bopper employees over to fold and neaten the fucking clothing so it doesn’t look like laundry day in my old college apartment. A ‘sale’ BTW is normally consists of more than marking a $48 shirt down to $47. If this was an attempt at humor, consider me whooshed.
• Radio stations will stop playing that godawful neuvo Christmas music, especially that hellish tune wherein the singer buys his mother shoes for Christmas. I don’t want to hear about this guy’s mum and her size eights. Not now. Not ever. Replace that in the playlist with the Canadian Brass or Ella Fitzgerald for the love god.
• People will keep in mind: Christmas is for the fucking children. Their happiness comes first and the rest of us catch if from them, it’s not about us.[/ul]That’s all for now, but I’ll take suggestions for additions to the list. If my demands are not met immediately, I’m going to get cranky. Very cranky.

2

A couple suggestions, my friend…

  • Shoppers in mall parking lots should make an effort to tell the people following them closely in cars that they are simply dropping some packages off and will continue their shopping. There’s nothing more frustrating than following a shopper to his/her car for 20 minutes and then finding out that they’re not relinquishing the space because they have two more rounds to go at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

  • The day before Christmas Eve should be designated “Get In and Get Out Day,” geared toward last-minute shoppers who know exactly what the hell they want. Browsers will be dragged into the street and shot.

  • All radio stations should take regular breaks from 24/7 Holiday Music and play Led Zeppelin, Van Halen and Guns N’ Roses tunes for at least an hour at a clip.

  • Gift wrapping should be offered at all stores for no additional cost. This will help all people like myself who are wrapping-impaired and can’t get the stupid little flaps the same size.

3

They have to be the same size?!?!?!?

4

Wow, that’s the Christmas spirit!

(Gobear gets on his soapbox)
You could not be more wrong. Christmas is for everyone, not just children. Christmas is a season for simple joys, for hot chocolate and hugs, for plyaing board games with the kids, for being a bit nicer to strangers, smiling more and taking the extra second to let someone else go first on the train.

Christmas isn’t about shopping, presents, trees, toys, food, or anything material. It’s about Love. If you’re a Christian, it’s about God’s love for his creation, and the gift of His son sent to us for our salvation. If, like me, you’re an atheist, then it’s a season to exercise love, friendship, and compassion for others.

Yes, it’s nice if you can get your kids the newest toys, but toys should be an expression of love, not a substitute for it. Yes, preparing for the holidays can be stressful, but you can have a simple and meaningful Christmas by concentrating on the intangibles. Call a long-lost friend, apologize to someone you mistreated, forgive old injuries.

I’m broke myself, and this year has been incredibly stressful, but I intend to have a joyful Christmas anyway.

God bless us, every one!
I also prescribe a session of watching “The Grinch That Stole Christmas”–the cartoon, NOT the movie-- and “A Charlie Brown Christmas” to get into the proper spirit.

5

Aw man, you have got that Holiday Spirit! I LIKE IT!

Here I have some concern. They better be over 16 to be doing this, in which case I do not refer to them as children any more.

By the way, there is a new song (I think I first heard it last year) called “All I want for Christmas is my bonus” (to the tune of Grandma got run over by a Raindeer)- this is a good one. I think you should make this the exception to your “no Nuvo Tunes” rule. Maybe I’ll find a link.

6

What gobear said.

7

I wholeheartedly agree, with one monstrous caveat.

Robert Earl Keen’s “Merry Christmas From the Family” is a true New Classic.

8

I can’t be that wrong, because I agree with you completely. I was attempting to make a similar argument by pointing out that the path to holiday happiness is through the joy of others; and nice as it is, that new gadget in your stocking is not by itself going to fulfill. I believe that the joy of children (not to be confused with unbridled toy avarice) is as pure as it gets, and if you start there you can’t go too far astray.

[sub]Odd, I used the word ‘joy’ twice in one paragraph. I bet that is a first for me.[/sub]

I’ll gladly pass my judgment on any new carols that others would like to submit in hopes that they are found worthy holiday fare. Similarly, if you are unsure of the tackiness level of your decorating scheme, post a picture link and I will give it due consideration. Donations of real Christmas pudding, preferably at least one year old, and fine sherry or brandy will increase my cheer to more tolerably levels.
The Christmas Curmudgeon

9

I just gotta ask…

So, what are ya like the rest of the year?

:smiley:

10

**Next time, spend that 20 minutes finding a spot further out and walking to the store. I bet you will make it to the door faster than if you had trailed a shopper to his car.

11

Ahem. I’m with you on the miniature clear lights because they look tasteful and elegant. However, my children get all gimped over the colored lights. I mean, don’t you remember as a kid watching the color wheel shine so beautifully on the aluminum tree? (Okay, I’m dating myself here.) I can STILL remember how awestruck I was by its beauty. Now I think “Wow, how tacky!” But kids are kids and they just see beauty. So now I compromise. The tree is done in colored lights. The outside is done with white lights.

Here are some of my rules about lights:

  1. Do not mix colored and white lights on the same tree.
  2. It’s better to be generous with just one bush than to be stingy with 5. Or, do not try to drape 150 lights over 5 bushes.
  3. Uniformity is bad. Lights should look natural to the eye, not evenly spaced. Unless you were going for the Hollywood marquee look. Those new light nets are horrid, IMO, especially when they only cover part of the bush.
  4. Do not mix styles. If you simply MUST use those 1970 40 watt lighted bulbs,then don’t mix them with the newer smaller lights. It looks incongruous.
  5. Do not have one strand of blinky lights in the middle of steady lights. It makes the blinky lights look like they’re having a nervous breakdown. Conversely do not put one strand of steady lights in the midst of chaos. It makes the steady lights look uptight.
  6. If you are doing the icicle lights across the roofline, plan ahead of time and space it so it will end at a natural point. Don’t just drape the extra 4 feet down the side of the house.
  7. Be considerate of the neighbors. If your lights are bright enough to illuminate the city, then turn them off at a decent hour.
    And finally, and most importantly:
  8. Let your neighbors know how much you appreciate all the time and effort they spent in putting up their lights. Even the ones that break the above rules. It IS the thought that counts. :slight_smile:
12

A box o’ tampons and a can o’ fake snow

I love that song. I heard it at least once per day in Raleigh, but here in NY, I never hear it. :frowning:

13

On the lights/tacky issue.

My house works as follows. Front yard is entirely the tiny white lights, evergreen garlands and red bows. I think my mom added white lights on little sticks by the front path this year.

The back yard is where taste dies. Each bush in a different color (Cool! Fushia! Cyan!) and while we skip the lighted nativity we do have penguins, lit and unlit. (My mom is holding out for a lighted gnome.) The front is pretty, the back is our technocolor dreamland. We go outside and laugh at it.

We know its a bit more than needed, but that’s the point. (Its also why we ditch it in the back.)

And I agree on the net lights, they suck.

14

I have now been a Pagan for slightly under five years, which by coincidence is about the same length of time I’ve been out. You, my dear parents, have done so nicely in adjusting to my being gay that one would think you would have also adjusted to my being a different religion than you. This will therefore be your last warning. I DO NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS RELIGIOUSLY. Therefore, to ask me to come to Midnight Mass is very useless. Save your breath.

15

Are you sure about this? I’m a fallen Catholic myself, and have little use for the religion, but still enjoy the Christmas Eve mass. It can be more about being with your family, listening to the music, enjoying the decked halls, etc. than the religious aspects. Most Christian denominations welcome non-members during their services, so you needn’t necessarily feel like an alien. Perhaps your parents feel the same way about it that I do.

16

At Mr. Ben’s request I have reviewed the tune in question:


Christmas Curmudgeon Carol Report Card

Carol is acceptable holiday fare       [sym]Ö[/sym]Carol is found wanting

Notes: Despite, or perhaps because of, time spent down south, I found the twang objectionable.
C.C.

Medea’s Child: penguins can be cute. By wisely hiding your more gaudy decorations in the back yard, I am pleased to post the following findings:




[sym]Ö[/sym]Acceptable holiday fare          Unacceptable holiday fare
[/quote]
17

Matt, why don’t you make a deal with your parents? You’ll go to their Mass if they’ll go to your Solstice Celebration.

18

Point the first: I never requested your review of this matter. On matters of musical taste and worth, I “speak on my own authority” (to paraphrase someone with some tangential relevance to this thread.) I said the song was good. The song is therefore good. Bow down before my unquestionable wisdom.

Point the second:



[/QUOTE]

Way to blow your credibility all to Hell. At least strive for some logical consistency here: You summarily dismiss a wonderful song because its twang reminds you of the South. If anything, godawful yard junk like lighted penguins and (admittedly) heinous Christmas lights are more representative of the redneck chic that you claim to disdain.

Your status as Arbiter of Christmas Hip, already in serious jeopardy, is now teetering Wile E. Coyote-like over the abyss of illegitimacy.
19

Profile of a Christmas bastard:

We take you now to the local mall. Parking spaces are at a premium. Why A Duck (WAD) arrives, does one quick lap to look for a good space, then parks in Pluto and hoofs it in. On a rare occasion, a good space will avail itself. Then the fun begins…

WAD buys Aunt Timmy (weird family, don’t ask) a new sweater. He doesn’t want to carry it around, so off to the car we go. As he leaves the security of the smoke-filled entrance to the mall, he senses it. Dimly at first, almost like a tug on his subconcious. Then he sees it. That '98 Accord is stalking him. WAD feigns left, goes right. Cuts between the BMW and the Acura, no luck, it is still there, relentless, impatient. Remembering a trick he saw on Wild Kingdom, WAD goes for his car keys, jiggling them as if his car must be near. The predator begins to reach for the directional. Keys return to pocket. A dull roar is heard.

Finally WAD reaches his destination. Puts the sweater in the trunk. Opens the driver’s door. Gets in. Pauses. Uses chapstick in console. Gets out, locks door. A might cry is heard throughout the land.

Yes, I am one of those people. Go ahead, follow me. I might be leaving. Honk your horn if you feel I’m taking a little too long to back out of the space, that always works.

20
  • Drivers in mall parking lots should make an effort to refrain from following shoppers closely in cars. There’s nothing more frustrating than having a driver follow you to your car for 20 minutes because they’re too lazy to walk 200 yards, and then having them get pissed off because you’re not relinquishing the space, having an inordinately large number of relatives who would love gifts from Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Don’t pull this shit with me. I’ve led drivers all over parking lots, just to piss 'em off. I should tell you what my shopping plans are? Uh, I don’t fucking think so.

And those motorized white plastic lighted deer-shaped lawn ornaments are fit for one thing and one thing only - death over slow flame.