This is to my friend S, who is a junkie.
S has been a junkie for almost 20 years.
S is also beautiful and has always seemed to be exceptionally loving and sweet.
But I think I’ve come to realize that S is not really loving and sweet, S is a fucked up addict that really knows how to manipulate people to get what she wants.
She was supposedly clean and sober for 3 years.
Then, Sunday night, I get a call from my sister in New Mexico, crying and asking if I will help her fly out here to be see S in the hospital, because she OD’d and she’s on a respirator. (We know S because my sister was her “Big SIster” since she was 7. She’s now 33. My sister has never, ever turned her back on her, no matter what. She stood beside her through prostitution, living on the street, prison, and three kicks. She’s loved her and supported her like a mother would.)
Well, we are all trying to figure out what happened while we watch this once-beautiful girl gagging up blood and mucous into the breathing tube, and barfing bright green bile into her lap…a momentary lapse of reason, surely! Especially considering that she has Hep C and passes out or seizes up every time she gets high. It was a stumble…and this will definitely keep her from stumbling again!
Then the next day, when she’s much more herself, she blithely cops to the fact that she’s been getting high since last Christmas. Not consistently, but a couple of times a month. Not only that, this isn’t her first trip to the hospital because of it. Of course, this time was worse because her cohorts dumped her in a tub of water and left her to die, and she would have if her roommate hadn’t come home. But as S said to the doctor who told her this: “Yeah, yeah, I know…what next?”
My sister couldn’t handle seeing that S really hasn’t come close to hitting bottom and won’t be doing any changing any time soon. She also was rerunning the twice-weekly conversations she’s been having with S, where she praised her endlessly, talkinga bout how proud she was of her. Conversations where S would talk about things like “Remember how I used to lie to you and use you?”. “I’m so over having drama in my life!”
Well, S, you’ve done it now. It breaks my heart to realize it, but you really are the picture of a manupulative, pathological addict with absolutely no regard for anyone but yourself.
Fuck you.
It’s over.
My sister and I and all of us are done with you. Go hang out with your addict friends, play your stupid games, revel in being the center of attention because of your “drama” that you are so “done with”. Because I’m done with you. You are going to die young, and that will be very, very sad. But we all choose our paths, and you’ve chosen yours.
Just thought I’d get that off my chest.
stoid