You broke my heart by being a pathological shit

The BBQ Pit
1

This is to my friend S, who is a junkie.

S has been a junkie for almost 20 years.

S is also beautiful and has always seemed to be exceptionally loving and sweet.

But I think I’ve come to realize that S is not really loving and sweet, S is a fucked up addict that really knows how to manipulate people to get what she wants.

She was supposedly clean and sober for 3 years.

Then, Sunday night, I get a call from my sister in New Mexico, crying and asking if I will help her fly out here to be see S in the hospital, because she OD’d and she’s on a respirator. (We know S because my sister was her “Big SIster” since she was 7. She’s now 33. My sister has never, ever turned her back on her, no matter what. She stood beside her through prostitution, living on the street, prison, and three kicks. She’s loved her and supported her like a mother would.)

Well, we are all trying to figure out what happened while we watch this once-beautiful girl gagging up blood and mucous into the breathing tube, and barfing bright green bile into her lap…a momentary lapse of reason, surely! Especially considering that she has Hep C and passes out or seizes up every time she gets high. It was a stumble…and this will definitely keep her from stumbling again!

Then the next day, when she’s much more herself, she blithely cops to the fact that she’s been getting high since last Christmas. Not consistently, but a couple of times a month. Not only that, this isn’t her first trip to the hospital because of it. Of course, this time was worse because her cohorts dumped her in a tub of water and left her to die, and she would have if her roommate hadn’t come home. But as S said to the doctor who told her this: “Yeah, yeah, I know…what next?”

My sister couldn’t handle seeing that S really hasn’t come close to hitting bottom and won’t be doing any changing any time soon. She also was rerunning the twice-weekly conversations she’s been having with S, where she praised her endlessly, talkinga bout how proud she was of her. Conversations where S would talk about things like “Remember how I used to lie to you and use you?”. “I’m so over having drama in my life!”

Well, S, you’ve done it now. It breaks my heart to realize it, but you really are the picture of a manupulative, pathological addict with absolutely no regard for anyone but yourself.

Fuck you.

It’s over.

My sister and I and all of us are done with you. Go hang out with your addict friends, play your stupid games, revel in being the center of attention because of your “drama” that you are so “done with”. Because I’m done with you. You are going to die young, and that will be very, very sad. But we all choose our paths, and you’ve chosen yours.

Just thought I’d get that off my chest.

stoid

2

stoid,
Circumstances being what they are in my own life right now, I wanted to let you know that I was particularly moved when I read your OP. People who are there for their friends and loved ones just shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of betrayal.

You’re in my thoughts tonight, hon, and they’re all being set out with your healing in mind.

3

Thank you, Kaylasdad. I appreciate it. The whole thing sucks rotten eggs. On top of all the emotional trauma, my sister was in no position to be spending that kind of money.

But in the big picture, it was all necessary. We needed, especially my sister, to finally * get * that S has been using her for years. What looked like love and affection was just a tool to get the support she wanted.

You should have heard her on the phone when I told her that my sister couldn’t and wouldn’t be talking to her any time soon. “What? You guys are my only family!” the sense of entitlement in her voice was almost funny.

A girlfriend who knew her said, upon hearing the tale: "Well, I’ll never forget: * she ate the chocolate mousse! * And that’s all I needed to know.

I asked her to refresh my memory…

Seems that when S was around 15, this friend of mine had made a bet with her that she couldn’t go without sugar for a week. The reward was a trip to a special cafe where they make amazing chocolate mousse. So week goes by, S says she didn’t eat sugar all week, my freind takes her for the chocolate mousse. She praises her, tells her how she was so proud, never thought she’d hold out, blah blah, and S sucks down the whole thing.

Couple years later S’s best friend informs my friend that S never stopped eating sugar that entire week, yet allowed my friend to take her out for the mousse and sit and praise her for her self-control.

So I guess that will be our little saying whenever we feel ourselves weakening, blaming the drugs: “Never forget…she ate the chocolate mousse!”

Sigh…

stoid

4

A very telling anecdote, indeed. Perhaps I should share it with kaylasgodmother. She could use all the perspective she can get, right now.

5

It is a very sad thing watching someone you love destroy themself. From an emotional and practical standpoint there’s only so much one person can do for another. I’m sorry you’ve been put into this horrible position and I relaly hope your friend mangages to clean up her act.

Marc

6

I’ve got a friend of mine that has Hep C and it’s destroying her liver. We use to email each other at least
once a day. Now because she’s so sick, I’m lucky if it’s once a week. She helped me alot with what I’m going through in my life right now. She keeps telling me not to worry she’ll be okay, but I guess my grandmas ‘worry’ genes made it into my blood. I still do the same for someone else that just left my life, even though I’ve been told by several different people I should drop all contact and get on with my life.

7

Just thought I’d say you and your sister are in my thoughts. Sometimes drugs make good people very bad, make them be people they otherwise would not become. It’s unbelievably painful to watch that happen and not be able to do a thing about it.

jawofech

8

Stoid
Addiction sucks, many of us have seen it, either in ourselves or people we love. As much as we want to make the better we can’t. When the pain of watching what they are doing to themselves and to the people who love becomes
too much to bare we must do what you and your sister are trying to do. Walk away, sometimes a person has to reach the point of having no one left to turn to before they can really see what they are doing . I hope this will help S I really do.

9

Thanks for the words of support.

The saga continues, as predicted. Her roommate called to get our addresses yesterday… which was weird. Since when doesn’t she have our addresses? She’s in rehab and I imagine she’s going to right amends letters.

Which will be interesting. Can I accept her amends and still blow her off?

stoid

10

Stoid, you can accept her amends and not let her use you anymore. If you call that a “blow off,” then that’s what it is.

Accepting an apology does not, in any way, mean that you’ll accept bad treatment anymore. It just means that you’ve accepted the apology. You’re absolutely right to not tolerate that behavior from her anymore, and I do not blame you one bit.

You and your sister will be in my thoughts.

Love, Cristi

11

Amends are standard in many rehab programs (especially those that are AA based). as for when/should you believe it, etc? that’s a more difficult question.

I’ve known quite a few long term junkies (as I’m sure you can imagine). Some do change, others do not. It’s difficult to not see the lies and manipulation as direct actions against you, but from my perspective, it’s a symptom/effect of the disease. This doesn’t lessen the hurt, nor is it intended as an excuse for their behavior - simply that it likely wasn’t, at least in some sense, personal.

Anyhow. I can’t tell you what to do about this person. For me, what has worked is to always take what they say at face value while simulateneously not giving them the keys to my house, ya know?

Cues that I found that worked : Some one who’s active in the lifestyle, their time and money won’t match up;
ie unemployed but always so very busy from dawn to past dusk or employed full time but never seems to be at work.

money - employed part time at low wages, but seems to be able to afford things out of their reach (I recall one had a bottle of perfume that retailed for $80, tho’ she worked as a hostess for 20 hours a week at minimum wage), or have an excellent income, but seem to be strapped for cash.

Never loan/give money. Some things that you can do, tho are say, provide a ride, purchase the drivers license for them (vs. giving them the $ to do so) etc.

Substance abuse is a terrible disease, and not just for the person directly affected.

It is perfectly understandable for you & your sis at this point to say “Thanks for the ‘amends’. We wish the best for you. But for our own sanity and safety, we will decline to be a part of your life in the future”. (I do, of course, assume that even tho’ you’re angry with her, don’t trust her, have been hurt by her, that you don’t necessarily hope that bad things happen to her in the future).

12

First of all, can I express my horrifying embarassment at the fact that in my haste I spelled “write” “right”??! :eek:

Secondly, I love S and so does my sister, so we certainly don’t wish her ill. I wish her to fucking recover in a serious way, both practically and spiritually. But she’s miles and miles away from there and we just have to step back from her and wait and hope that she does, rather than ending up dead.

It just sucks to be so incredibly powerless, knowing that nothing we can say or do will make the slightest difference.

And wring, I know you are right, but I also know that the point of the mousse story is that even though she’s got the “disease” of addiction, her personality and her sense of ethics have always been pretty fucked up.

Of course, her mother was severely bipolar and a manipulative maniac, which is how she ended up in the Big Sister program in the first place, and that’s almost certainly where she learned it from. But at what point are you held responsible for moving beyond your shitty childhood?

stoid

13

oh absoultely, she’s responsibile for her behavior. I’d hoped I had been clear that I wasn’t excusing her behavior, just suggesting that it really wasn’t a direct ‘fuck you’ to you and your sister.

However, some people do go into recovery. The fact that she’s exhibited duplicity often in the past doesn’t guarentee that it’s always a lie in the future. It of course also doesn’t mean that you should hand over the keys to your car, heart etc either.

And, in some cases, even if the person themselves is in recovery, the relationship itself may be doomed.

One guy I’m working with currently - when he was arrested last October, there was a crack pipe confiscated. He told me in January that he’d been sober for a year. He told a college of mine last week that he’s been sober for two years. I checked to make sure his folks still had that restraining order on him (w/o disclosing any specific info).

The lieing, while a given in the Substance Abuse gig, can also be a seperate and definate issue otherwise. (the old adage of sobering up a horse theif and you’ve got a sober horse theif).

So, in summation - Is she responsible for her shitty behavior. you bet 100%.

Can we be sympathetic to her situation? sure.
Does this mean we have to be sucked in totally again? nope.

I think you and your sister are perfectly w/in your rights to say ‘we won’t be part of your life in the future’. If you choose to leave a door somewhat open for her, take precautions to safeguard yourself and belongings etc.

14

Best wishes to you, Stoid. I’m sorry to learn of you going through this. You’re in a horrid position, but you did not put yourself there, so don’t beat yourself up when there is no clean solution.