My sister is in the hospital, in a coma, on a ventilator, and will most likely die this week. She is HIV positive. After she found out that she had HIV about 15 years ago , she became a crack addict and went downhill from there. She committed several armed robberies and wrote over $20,000 in bad checks. She went to jail for several years, and then moved in with my aging grandfather when she got out. She ended up knocking him down one night and robbing him and then pawning most of his household goods before being arrested for another armed robbery. She did several more years in jail and then got out. Her health went downhill and she had been living in various assisted living facilities and nursing homes ever since.
She has really gotten a lot worse lately. She has an infection that the doctors can’t figure out and is slipping away. I hadn’t seen her since the first time she was in jail, in 1992. I went to see her a few weeks ago; she was on a ventilator and unaware that I was even there. She came back around some and I talked to her on the phone but haven’t been back to see her. My mom called tonight, and she’s in a coma.
She is scheduled to have to have an operation to remove part of her intestine that they think has “died”. She’s not expected to pull through, and I haven’t seen her in 10 years. Time just kind of slipped away. I was very angry at her for a while for hurting my grandfather, but that’s no excuse. She’s my sister.
She made her choices. She didn’t have to become a crack addict or an armed robber or a thug. People have lived with HIV for a lot longer than she has and they managed not to ruin themselves in the process. You’re not responsible for her choices and you shouldn’t feel guilty for removing a force of destruction from your life. You didn’t need an “excuse.” Becoming a career criminal and battering and robbing your loved ones constitutes an actual reason.
I have to agree with Otto, you shouldn’t feel like shit.
There have been several people in my life who I loved SO MUCH and I still miss 20 years later that made choices that I could not abide. Their choices made it necessary that I had nothing to do with them, and I am still sad to this day, but it was their choices. For my health, my life, my sanity I said goodbye and it would be a mistake to feel like shit about it or regret it.
That said, I relate. I hope you can let go, feel better, and remember the sister that you loved before she made the choices she did…
I doubt she’d have done those horrible things if she hadn’t contracted HIV, right? Then you shouldn’t feel like shit for not seeing her during the bad years. She made the choice to do those things and as such, she didn’t seem to care whether she hurt any of you. You had every right to be angry then but I hope you can forgive yourself now for those feelings. That was the past. The whole situation isn’t easy but don’t beat yourself up about it. I wish you strength.
I agree with the other posters on this thread who say you shouldn’t feel guilty. She made her choices and it probably wasn’t safe for you to be around her, she likely would have treated you just as badly as she did everybody else.
But, as you say, she is your sister. I don’t think you’re obligated to say or do anything, but if you would feel better about it, go ahead. Even if she is in a coma, you’ll feel better if you tell her whatever you have to say, and who knows, she might feel better, too. You don’t really have anything to lose. Is she close enough to visit, or could you send someone an email that they could read to her or something? Do what you feel.
I’m very sorry to hear of these developments. It must be very hard for you. My heart goes out to you.
Try to remember though that you can never help someone by doing for them what they could or should do for themselves.
I got siblings, they got issues, it took me years to learn this tidbit of wisdom.
Secondly, stop for one second and think, if things were reversed and I had just told you this same story, you, I have no doubt, would have compassion for me.
You know you would.
Now, try and exercise a little of that compassion for yourself.
I’m sorry about your sister. I am in a similar situation with a crack addicted family member and the things they will do to get money is horrifying. Even with all the things they do, I think we still feel a loss from our lives, because we remember when they weren’t on crack. I hope you can find peace.
Thank you all for all your kind words. I know the choices she made were just that, her choices, and at the time being away from her was what I wanted. But I stopped being mad a her a long time ago, and I just wish I would have made the time to go tell her that.
Thanks for listening, and maybe she’ll pull through this crisis and I’ll get that chance.
My Grandmother was an alcoholic and part of me hated her for it. Then part of my Grandma’s intestines ‘died’ as well. And she had to have an operation. The doctors gave her only 20% chance of surviving the operation, and said even if she did it was unlikely she’d make it out of the hospital. (This was early December) She is now out of hospital, out of danger and off the booze. So it can work out.
I hope your sister recovers and you can get to know each other again.
It’s OK to feel like shit. Feeling like shit doesn’t equal guilt, as some posters in this thread have said. You feel sadness and compassion. If you didn’t you’d be as damaged as she is.
I hope she pulls through and gets a handle on her life. My best to you and your family.