An acquaintance of mine and I were driving past an apartment complex in Maryland, and I commented that “that is the ugliest goddam bunch of buildings I have ever seen—who the hell would live there?”
No, my acquaintance did not live there. But his father was the architect.
I once guessed a 19-year-old girl’s age as 32.
…and we have a winner.
Yikes!!
:eek:
I think I once told a girl she could work as a prostitute.
I was rather drunk at the time.
Mid Seventies, Winter in Montreal.
While walking outdoors with a buddy and in the middle of a heated argument, a guy carrying a hockey stick interrupts us and asks:
“Where’s the bus stop?”
It was only about 100 feet away, so I point to it and say:
“Right over there.”
He then repeats the same question.
I repeat my answer and add: “What are you blind?”
Of course, he was. What I had assumed to be a hockey stick was a cane.
I’ll add my story here.
My sister-in-law (SIL) and her husband had their first kid (a boy)and the whole family went to see them. There was some discussion leading up to the birth as to whether or not they would circumcise the kid if it was a boy. So, we’re at the hospital and I haven’t slept in days (my one year old son’s contribution to the story and my only excuse) and I ask:
“So has the baby been castrated yet?”
“Ummm, Greenback. Don’t you mean circumcised?”
“Same thing.”
To which my wife turns around and whispers than the SIL’s husband is circumcised and that was why they were thinking of having the procedure. They never did circumcise their kid. I really hope it wasn’t something I said.
Years ago (1989 or so), a friend and I were in line to rent a video and the couple in front of us were renting Dead Poets Society. I said to my friend, "Oh my god, that was such a good movie. I can’t believe that kid killed himself at the end!"
My friend gave me a shocked looked and elbowed me in the ribs. I don’t know if the couple in front of us heard me, but…doh! Where’s the smack smilie when I need him?
In 4th grade, kids say really stupid things. Like the word “stupid.” I had been brought up to never use curse words or deragatory language. But for some reason, the moment I chose to use the word “stupid” for the very first time in my whole life was to describe the shadow portrait of a classmate to my new best friend, i.e. “That person’s head looks stupid.”
It was her shadow portrait.
:eek:
I chewed on that one for WEEKS! (I also didn’t use the word “stupid” again for a veeery long time…)
No—you could be a porn star, and that is a compliment…depend on his taste in porn, of course.
Ah…embarassing remarks? Let’s just say that one should never guess as to whether a woman is pregnant.
I used to the the “Science and Nature” councilor at a summer rec. program. Most of the kids who wound up at this place were from housing projects, and pretty tough for their age. Trying to teach them anything stretched my creative muscles to their limits.
On rainy days, my fallback strategy was, if I couldn’t get space in the gym to let them hurl those red playground balls at each other, we’d play “Science Jeopardy”. It wasn’t even Jeopardy, really, but the name seemed to get them enthused. So, I’d wrack my brains all summer comming up with appropriate science trivia questions, and then when the skies opened, I’d have a big folder full of them for the game.
So one day I ask: What is the largest organ in the body? (what was I thinking?)
“Ya DINK!”
The place erupts in laughter. But I’m annoyed. It was a good question, and dammit, this little punk is trying to hijack the game with his antics. So I yell back…
“NO it is NOT your DINK! It’s your SKIN!”
Stunned silence…mouths agape. Smiles and cries of glee follow: “He said dink! Ahahahaaaaah!” It took about a month to recover some semblance of respect from them after that little gaffe.
My mum learned that the hard way. 
I wasn’t the one who said it, but…
I was at the art museum at the University of Notre Dame with a (much older) male friend of mine, and we happened upon a beautiful 15th century Italian painting of the Blessed Mother with the infant Christ at her breast.
Friend: Ho, ho, ho, I’d like to be doing that.
Me:(horrified) Show some respect, man. That’s a piece of religious art!!!
Friend: Well, I didn’t mean it like that, I just like things that are sexy.
Me: glare
Friend: I don’t mean sexy, I mean beautiful.
Later that afternoon, at my apartment, he offered to “help me out financially” in exchange for having sex with him.
The friendship ended.
An ex-boyfriend took me to meet his family. Apparently it was the family social event of the year because relatives of all sorts showed up for the event. At dinner, I was sitting by an entertaining young man of 10 years or so. I said something to him, referring to him as “kid”.
“Don’t call me kid,” he says.
And from my mouth, “What are you, then…a midget?”
An ominous, total silence descends upon the room…
One from me, one from a friend:
Mine
I was visiting my parents when some very close family friends came by to announce their daughter’s engagement. I said “Well, when’s the baby due?” Dead silence. I found out later that it was due in about 5 months. Oops!
A friend
My aunt’s sister-in-law had commited suicide after a severe bout of depression. After the funeral the family was receiving guests at my aunt’s home. A friend had volunteered to help in the kitchen as the inevitable swarm of food decended on the house. Someone brought by a huge wheeled cooler and made their way to the kitchen. My friend had never seen a cooler quite that large and blurted out “My goodness! You could hide a body in that thing!”.
A few years back, I had a job working in a Home Depot-type place. Working with me behind the customer service counter was a gentleman who’d lost his leg some time before in a car accident. One of types of people who know their job inside out, and you really really want to impress them, if only for the small comforting ego boost.
Anyways, after a long day of work, when it seemed everyone and their brother needed some help with their treated lumber, he turns to me and says “Busy day, huh?”
“No kiddin’!” I replied, “I’ve been busier’n a one-legged man in an ass kicking con…test.”
Erp.
I once inadvertently offered to give my brother-in-law a lap dance. (The conversation had something to do with the lack of chairs, and I opened my mouth before my brain was functioning.)
But after reading these, I don’t feel quite so bad about that one.
My husband once told me that his ex-wife could suck a golf ball out of a garden hose. You can imagine the fun that ensued.
I swear to God, that must be some subconcious deal- I nearly did the same thing. I used to say “Busier then a one-armed paper hanger” and I caught that exact phrase in my throat when a one armed co-worker asked me when I’d be ready to go to lunch with her. I mean, it was like “Well, not for an hour or so- I’m busier then…GAG ON WORDS heck today!” Yikes.
Dammit, I must have done this about a hundred times in my life, and do you think I can remember one of them? Well, I half-remember saying something at my best friend at the time’s rehearsal dinner about “What are you, crazy?”, then remembering that she was marrying a schizophrenic. Oops.
I have a few.
I was working at a communal snack bar with Mercury a few summers ago. We had this crazy stoner lifeguard who would always come up to us and order things in weird ways. Once, he came up to the counter and demanded “wa-wa.” Recalling some biography I had read before, and without turning around, I said, “Who do you think you are, Hellen Keller?” As it turns out, a frequent customer, who was also deaf, and her husband were standing at the counter. I don’t know if they heard me (well, I know she didn’t!), but it was not a good situation.
After that, we went to a concert at Marywood. It was just the usual student recital thing, and they were playing Christmas songs. Well, this guy with a saxophone was led onto the stage by a few other people, and he started wailing away. Of course, he was really, really good, or else he wouldn’t’ve been at Marywood. Anyway, I started thinking, “You know, for a retarded guy, he sure is good at playing the saxaphone! He must be a savant!” As he was led off the stage, it occured to me that there was only one retarded person in the room, and it certainly wasn’t the blind guy exiting the stage.
Another time, a friend was playing some game as part of a Coaches vs. Cancer event. I walked right up behind him and said, “Ha! Coahes vs. Cancer! What an unfair match- I mean, come on, of course cancer’s going to win, cancer always wins! Cancer kills people, man! Do coaches kill people?” Immediately thereafter, I had a flashback to when I was sitting on this guy’s couch just after I’d met him; he’d gone upstairs, and someone whispered to his girlfriend, “Steve’s mom died of cancer, right?”
On the bright side, the only thing that makes that comment funny is the fact that I screwed up so badly.
Awww, I thought I was going to be the first one to get to use that.
My brother was working in a grocery store as a cashier and once asked a woman if she was expecting twins.
She glared at him and told him she wasn’t pregnant. :eek:
Me? I never say anything without thinking… :rolleyes: expect for when I do.
The most notable occasion was when I was in high school. I ran into a really sweet girl in the hallway who was just bawling her eyes out. I asked her what was wrong and hugged her. She said “It’s Matt.” Knowing the guy she was talking about, I figured he had said something mean about her, as he was a joker, but frequently moody and sarcastic. I said “What did he say to you, I’ll kill him!” She said “He killed himself last night.” ~sank right into the floor~