you don't have to read this

The BBQ Pit
1

You don’t have to read this. I am pathetic, I know. I just needed to write it, and my online journal is not at all fullfilling since I have had to make it private.

I have not been feeling well these past few weeks. Not sick, just sick.

I don’t get enough sleep because I stay up to see Mark when he comes home from work at 11 PM. And then I sometimes stay up to keep him company because he’s an insomniac and I never see him.

I’ve lost my schedule and I can’t seem to get it back. I’ve finally started getting to bed before 3 AM (though never before midnight), but Seamus has been waking up earlier and earlier (6:15 AM this morning) and he just decides that he wants to get up and play. And the kids keep getting up earlier, too. So after trying for 45 minutes to convince Seamus to go back to sleep, I suddenly hear calls from the kids room of, “Is it time to get up, yet?” Or worse, screams when they’ve gotten up and immediately started fighting over toys.

After starting the day this way, is it any wonder that I can’t bear the thought of the effort it would take to adhere to my schedule? By 10, when I should be turning off the TV and starting some lessons, I instead feel like screaming, crying, and falling fast asleep. In that order. Thank goodness for “church school.”

The kids have been taking summer classes at the local church on Monday, Wenesday & Friday. They really enjoy it, and I’m grateful that they have some structure while I’m going through this bad period mentally. But, frankly, I am getting upset at my three-year-old’s teacher.

The first day I let her know that we are having trouble getting him potty-trained and that she would have to make him go to the bathroom. I also put two extra Pull-Ups in his backpack. If you don’t know, a Pull-Up is a special diaper for kids who are potty-training. Instead of tape or velcro holding it on, it has an elastic waistband so that kids can take it off to go potty and then put it back on like real underwear. But if they have an accident, you don’t have to do laundry.

Well, Aoghdan came home that day wearing a dirty Pull-Up and none left in his backpack. I thought it strange because he usually has to be changed once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once before bed, so two should have been enough. But I thought maybe it was just the excitement of school. Wednesday, same thing. Friday I didn’t take him or pick him up, so I couldn’t talk to his teacher, but he came home with a dirty Pull-Up on, and ALL of the Pull-Ups I had sent that week! They hadn’t changed him once!

Monday, I asked the teacher to make sure that he went potty/got changed, and she promised she would. That day he came home clean, but wearing someone else’s pants. He’d made a mess of his. Ok, I can see that. I’d be sure to send extra pants for him. Wednesday comes, I send him in his swim trunks for Splash Day, plus extra pants and the (washed) pants that he had borrowed. I come to get him, and he is wearing a) a dirty DIAPER. Not his Pull-UP; b) the same borrowed shorts they sent him home in Monday!; and c) he has two clean Pull-Ups in his backpack!!! Yes, I spoke to his teacher again on Friday, but I am becoming glad that the session ends after this coming week. Especially since I had other things to deal with the past few days.

See, on Wednesday, Seamus fell off the bed and scared the living shit out of me. Since he usually ends up in bed with me before morning, I had formed a habit of leaving him in the bed while I got dressed, then taking him downstairs to change/dress/feed/etc. I learned a lesson that day: 4 month old babies can roll over. They can roll over quickly. And they can roll over all the way from the center of the bed to the floor in the time it takes for me to step into the other room and make sure my 3 & 4 year olds are getting dressed. (Note: The 3 & 4 year olds are step-babies, so while I have realized that leaving Seamus on the bed was incredibly stupid and bad, it’s not something that I should have already learned from experience.)

Frantic, I called my grandmother, who told me to call the doctor. The regular doctor (who treated me as a child) was not in, but his partner asked me to bring the baby in, which I did. I was much relieved to hear the doctor say “He looks absolutely fine to me.” No concussion, no bleeding or brusing on the head. But then the doctor suggested an x-ray.

Understand, even if you don’t agree, I did not take this lightly. I refused the x-ray, but not out of laziness or apathy to my son’s health. Excessive medical intervention and its effects on children is a subject very important to me, and I have researched it. I also asked the doctor many questions about why he felt it was justified and what harm it may do BEFORE I made the decision. But, my feeling, my husband’s feeling, and my grandparents’ feeling was that the x-ray was not necessary and therefore presented more of a threat than possible good. Even if you don’t agree, know that I did this with my son’s best interests in mind. Parenting is hard, and there are lots of difficult decisions to make. This was one of them.

We took the baby home and watched him closely for any signs of anything wrong. Everything was fine.

That is, everything was fine until I opened my door the following morning to find CPS on my doorstep. That asshole doctor reported me to Child Protective Services for making an informed (though perhaps unpopular) decision about my own son’s welfare. And this woman came into my house and questioned me, and questioned my husband, and questioned my children. I was angry, hurt, and … I want to say humiliated, but I don’t feel embarrassed. I still believe (even moreso now, you’ll see why in a second) that I did the right thing for my son.

The social worker did not insist that we get the x-ray done, but we did have to get a second opinion. We took Seamus to a colleague of the (now retired) doctor who treated my husband as a child. This second doctor recommended against the x-ray based on Seamus still showing no signs of any problems more than 24 hours after the fall. He also said that he likely would not have prescribed the x-ray to begin with, but of course could not say for sure now. Furthermore, his opinion was that CPS had been called merely as retaliation for not doing what the first doctor told us to do.

I called the regular doctor to talk to him about his partner’s actions, but he was totally uninterested. We’ll be seeing the second opinion doctor from now on.

My mother, however, thinks the first doctor was totally right and apparently thinks I am some kind of horrible mother because I don’t rush my child off for well-baby checkups every two days. She also got into a huge fight with me over whether or not some vaccines are made from weakened live virus. She claims that this type of vaccine no longer exists. I am looking at the Center for Disease Control website which claims they do exist.

I am stubborn. I am. But my mother is a whole different kind of stubborn. If we are arguing over something factual – for example, if I claimed the capital of Texas was Dallas and she showed me a map with a little star next to Austin, I would flat out admit to being wrong. If the situations were reversed, my mother would refuse to even look at the map, and get offended that I even suggest the idea. God, she pisses me off! I am kind of becoming glad that she declined helping me with the wedding plans (she said she doesn’t want to cause a fight over it. Reasonable.)

But I wish someone would help me! I feel like I am planning this all by myself, and I don’t even know what the budget is (because Mark is in charge of our finances). I can’t even get him to sit down and finalize the guest list with me. And today I found out that after telling everyone I know that the wedding will be Sept. 14th, he JUST asked the minister and no, we can’t get the church that day! Thankfully the actual invitations haven’t gone out, yet!

Still, I have less than 2 months and I have not bought a single thing. I have no dress, no shoes, no flowers, no cake. I need help, damnit!

2

<pat pat> There there.

You’re absolutely right. You DO need help. You have three babies, basically–one of them practically a newborn–a household to run, two kids to shuttle to summer church school. New moms have an overwhelming job even with the best of support, and frankly, it doesn’t sound like you’re getting that either.

AND you’re planning your wedding, on top of all that? Without help or consultation from your fiance, in spite of the fact that he is in charge of the money and obviously will need to have input into the plans?

Honey. Sit fiance down and tell him you can NOT do this alone–not the wedding, not the planning, not taking care of the house and kids–you need some help and you need it NOW. You’re at the end of your rope and he’s gotta help you find the knot. Then put him in charge of the kiddies, go take a nice long hot bath, and spend a few minutes figuring out where to begin. What has to be done first, wedding-wise? Put that on your schedule, and plan on starting it mid-week, so that you have a few days to REST and SLEEP.

Now the kid-stuff, and I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know here, just reminding you. This is YOUR baby. You and your father are making what sounds like informed decisions about his health care, and you are under no obligation to discuss or justify those decisions to your mother or anyone else.

You are NOT a bad momma for having a baby that fell off the bed. I’m a very GOOD momma, and my kids have fallen off of all sorts of things. This pretty much happens to all moms at some point, it seems…those little buggers grow much faster than we realize, and we can’t always keep up with them. Kids get hurt, parents feel guilty, and the world goes on. You just do your best and learn–now you know he can roll right off, and you’ll adjust your habits to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Would that all parenting problems were so easy to deal with! And while I would raise holy hell with the doctor that called CPS, I suppose his rationale would be that he thought you were afraid other injuries would show up, etc. Standard CYA procedure, try not to take it personally.

I think I sound bossy here, but I’m that way in real life too. :wink: No, just trying to give you some support because I have SO been in your shoes. Drop me an email or im me if you need to vent, and hang in there in the meantime.
~karol

3

You have a lot on your plate and I don’t want this question to come off as snotty, but I am curious. Why is a not quite potty trained three year old being put into day “classes” three times a week (Church or otherwise) if he could be at home with you? Unless there is some really pressing issue, a little toddler like this (IMO) should not be be waddling through “classes” with a potentially dirty diaper, but with his mother.

With respect to X-ray and virus stuff, the real world benefits are generally thought to vastly outweigh the fairly miniscule risks. It’s mostly a free country and you are welcome to a philosophical position regarding appropriate medical care for children that (IMO) borders on irrationally cautious and distrustful. If these were my grandchildren, and based on your description of the events that transpired, I would probably think your judgement as a mother was questionable, and this would worry me.

In any case they are your children to raise as you see fit. Far more real world damage has been done to children by stubborn, paranoid parents refusing medical care based on irrational fears, than allowing their children to be treated. Doctors are not Gods but they aren’t idiots either, and if you are going to withhold or refuse recommended medical treatment you’d better get used to seeing the CPS folks. It may be annoying and unfair but it’s just the way the system works these days.

4

Dear god woman.

{{Cessandra}}

I hope life gets easier, but if you need any ideas, suggestions, dresses, the Doper community has more than a few recent and upcoming brides in it. Feel free to dump on us!

As for the rest of it, you sound like a concerned mother who wants to know what’s going on in her children’s lives rather than taking someone else’s word for it. That, in my childless book, is never a bad thing.

I hope you get some sleep soon :slight_smile:

5

FWIW, my best friend’s baby fell of the bed at about the same age. I think it’s a part of a baby’s life.

Hell, when I was a baby, my mom had me in her arms in the front seat of the car (wasn’t a big deal then) and my father started backing out of the driveway and I fell out of the car somehow. I split my lip open something horrible. I still have the scars inside my lower lip.

Face planting is part of growing up.

You have a lot on your plate. It sounds to me that you need two days of R&R hun. Two toddlers and a baby? OY, you have my sympathies.

6

I don’t have anything constructive to add…everyone so far has said everything I would have.

Just dropped in to give you a hug, because you deserve it, you need it, and I feel like giving it.

(((((((Cessandra))))))))))

And good call on changing docs.

Much Love,

Cheri

7

I’d have to say, though, astro, that given all the factors involved here–new baby (well, pretty new, anyway), fatigue/exhaustion, wedding plans, stress of all sorts–there is a pressing need for Cessandra to have a little LESS on her plate for a couple of days each week. This doesn’t sound like a year-long thing–it’s temporary, they enjoy it, and this Momma NEEDS it. This statement in itself

makes me a little worried, because it just sounds like she is on the edge of physical and emotional exhaustion, and that is never good, especially when there are little ones involved.
Make rest a priority for a couple of days if you can, Cessandra. You can’t do your job as a parent if you’re exhausted.
((hugs))

8

I should explain that he’s not exactly loafing in front of the TV when I’m trying to get him to help me. Firstly he’s bipolar, and off his meds (through no fault of his own). He’s been going through a manic phase and can’t slow down enough to discuss things with me. Also, he works insane hours so that I can stay home with the kids (48 hours in 4 days, used to be 48 hours in 3 days!) and so spends much of his time off catching up on sleep. He did watch the kwhile I went shopping last week, and Seamus screamed for an hour after waking up from his nap because I wasn’t there and he didn’t want a bottle. (Breastfed baby.) I’m going to have to take him with me from now on.

Because he loves it. He gets to sing and play games a colour and (most importantly) there are other kids there! If going to school three days a week for three weeks makes him happy and he’s learning good things, how is that bad? (Other than his teacher’s apparent inability to change a diaper.)

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Sorry about the typos, I was trying to nurse and type all at once! :wink:

10

It sounds like you both have your plates full. My husband works hours like that, too, (36 hours in 3 days, nights, every week) and it’s a bitch trying to keep some kind of schedule.
Do you have anyone nearby to help you out when you get too exhausted to cope? Even an hour alone or asleep can make a huge difference.

11

{{Cessandra}}

Don’t really have anything other to add as everyone else has said what I would have said, and said it much better than I would have! I just wanted to add to the hugs and well wishes.

Don’t feel too bad about Seamus falling off the bed, when my first daughter was just a little older than him I dropped her down the stairs (not all the way down, just the last few). It happens, and babies are pretty tough (and bouncy ;))

Try and get that rest bodypoet recommended and I really hope things get better for you soon.

12

Perhaps that doctor was oversensitive due to some child abuse case he didn’t report soon enough, and prefers to err on the side of caution. Refusing investigative treatment such as x-rays is the sort of thing that abusive parents do. However, you have an absolute right to refuse such medical treatment, and I agree with you on not interfering with the child’s health as far as is feasible.

My daughter fell off my bed a few times when she was a baby, as she was breastfed, very clingy, and couldn’t sleep alone, but now and then, you know, I had to leave her to use the bathroom. She was never remotely hurt and I never even considered taking her to the doctor. I did start placing cushions by the side of the bed, though.

Whatever you do, make sure you get enough sleep. You can’t do anything well if you’re tired. I understand you wanting to stay up and see your husband, but you’re going to have to let that slide for a couple of nights. Or nap while the kids are at church school and worry about the housework later. And use this hands Cessandra a pair of invisible ear-muffs It’s a mom-translator, turns every negative snipe she launches at you (‘your sister’s baby was already walking by that age dear, are you sure everything’s quite right?’ :rolleyes:) and turns it into ‘you’re doing such a great job, I’m really proud!’ I’ve found it most useful. :wink:

13

The Kid Handbook

#27 The very first time that your kid rolls over will be the time you’ve plonked them on the bed while you rush off to rescue the cat from being thrust into the microwave by the evil 3 yr old.
It seems to be one of the inviolable laws of nature…

In all seriousness though, I just want to concur with

**bodypoet ** that you do sound like you are losing the plot a bit. Is there ANY way of getting some much needed respite from all of this hullaballoo? Please take care. Mum’s don’t always take the time for their own needs, and often end up falling in a heap when their stoicism and sanity run out. Maybe a chat to your friendly GP could help…

14

Children need social skills, and it is beneficial for them to be around other children and to encounter some sort of class-like structure before entering kindergarten. Call it a play-group, call it vacation Bible school, call it whatever, it helps kids to relate to other kids and assimilate better in the school environment when they reach that age.

Cessandra, all I can tell you is take a deep breath and try to find some respite. My baby fell off a bed onto a hardwood floor when he was slightly older than yours, when I merely turned my back to pick up his hairbrush… he cried, I cuddled him, and he’s no worse for the wear. Now that he’s trying to walk, he bounces his head off the floor, the desk, the table… and it doesn’t even faze him.

And good for you for being the kind of mom you want to be, and not bowing to whatever any medical person tells you without getting a second opinion. It sounds to me like you’re doing a great job.

15

GP?

16

Oooops, sorry for that.
GP equals General Practitioner here in Aus and translates as the Family Doctor or whatever the term is in your neck of the woods.
:slight_smile: :slight_smile:

17

Cessandra, I hope you get some kind of break soon.

For what it’s worth, both my kids have rolled off the bed, both were fine. I saw immediately that they were only scared–if I had seen anything even slightly wrong with them more than that, I would have gone straight to the ER. I think you made a perfectly reasonable decision, and the Dr. must have had some kind of bee up his bonnet to have called CPS. The second opinion was a good idea, and I think it’s a good idea to stick with that Doc, too.

Kids fall off things and get bumps. Most parents know what to look for, and I know that if you’d seen any reason for doing those X-rays you would have had them done. It’s humiliating and stressful to have CPS turn up, and worse to have your mom giving you trouble, at such a stressful time, and I hope you’ll get a chance to relax soon. Maybe there’s a kid at church who could come over and help with some chores, or babysitting? A friend or neighbor who can come over and help?

Good luck!

18

Just curious…does this mean your kids are not vaccinated?

19

Some vaccines we agree with, Biblio, some we don’t. We research any medical intervention before subjecting our children to it.