Let The Child Abuse Commence

The BBQ Pit
1

I will not hit her. I will not hit her. I will not hit her. I will… ( are we at 5 yet)

Deep Breath.

This morning, as is true every school day morning for the last five years we had to get ready to leave the house. We start this procedure somewhere between 600 am and 630 am and the bus is due at the house at 815.

Here is the list that must get done.
Brush teeth
wash face
eat breakfast
put on clothes
put on socks
put on shoes
brush hair (I help with finishing details like the braids or ponytails)
take medication
get lunch money (only at beginning of the week)
make sure homework is in the backpack.

There isn’t alot of variation. sometimes its tights instead of socks She has been dressing herself since she was one and a half. How come at almost 10 years old she can’t do it without the constant maternal mantra

HaveyougotyourpantsonhaveyougotlunchmoneyleavethedogalonehowcomeyoustillhaventgotyourpantsonIsaidleavethedogalone

big breath

HaveyougotyourpantsonhaveyougotlunchmoneyleavethedogalonehowcomeyoustillhaventgotyourpantsonIsaidleavethedogalone

This all has to happen while i also am trying to get out of the house. If I leave the house right after she walks out the door I can make it to my 930 class on time provided that the traffic isn’t bad and the parking isn’t jammed. If I could trust her to get out of the house by herself I could leave 5 minutes earlier and catch the bus and not have to worry about any of that. I don’t think I can as things stand.

How does someone spend 10 minutes putting her pants on? She can be lying on the floor with one leg halfway in the pants for 10 minutes. How do you do that?

This morning she missed the bus. At 815 as i am rounding up my papers and she has been sent out the door she comes back saying “I need lunch money”

my helpful response “I sent the whole weeks money in on monday what happened to it?”

“I lost it”…

“Oh no! Furlikid there is your bus here is your money…There goes your bus…” GRRRRRRRRR

I drove her to school and missed my class.

I hate to threaten the evening story again, but I think I am going to have to. I also need to figure out how I am adding to it because This isn’t working. I think maybe I will post a chart on the door that she has to check off every morning but at the moment the story is tied to getting her homework in. Its not fair to tying it to something else. Loss of TV isn’t ever really much of a punnishment to this kid. I am at a loss. I don’t want to nag I don’t want to yell, I just plain don’t know what to do.

2

How far is her school from your house, and is it a relatively safe walk?

The reason I am asking is that if she’s old enough to take responsibility for herself, then she can learn to face consequences. If she dawdles (what a great old-fashioned word that is) and misses the bus, you might have her walk herself to school. One time oughta do it. It’s what fixed me, at any rate.

Robin

3

Are her clothes laid out for her or does she have to select her outfit for the day in the morning?

Is it OK if she gets dressed before breakfast? If so, try giving her an alarm clock of her own. Set it for fifteen minutes earlier than you get up. During this time, have her get dressed.

Out of curiosity, does your child have ADHD or ADD?

4

It really isn’t a feasible walk. We are part of an exchange program that brings kids from suburbs outside the district in to magnet schools in the city, other kids get to come out to the school she would have gone to. We live about 20 minutes by car from school during non rush hour traffic. We are kind of out in the boonies and the road that connects with our subdivision is a two lane road which they are widening to 4 in the next couple of years. The speed limit is 45 and people mostly do alot more than that. There is no sidewalk. This is why the bus comes to our house. It was determined that it would not be safe for the bus to stop at the corner of that street and ours, so it comes in the circle and gets her. If she was older maybe but there are too many busy streets between school and home.

5

You could try the carrot rather than the stick. Set up some sort of check off chart, and every day she gets everything done and out the door on time (without a horrendous amount of nagging from you) she gets a sticker or gold star or whatever.

Whenever she accumulates X gold stars then she gets (whatever you think she’d like.) New outfit for her favorite doll, a movie rental, a trip to a skating rink or zoo… There must be something she lusts after to put her pants on quicky.

6

I sympathize. Mine’s 16 and we are on a similar routine.

We’ve started getting her up earlier (which requires a bit earlier bed time).

She has to have her clothes laid out (and inspected) the night before, so she is not wandering around “thinking” of what to wear (and so that we do not find her wearing her pink-striped clam-diggers and a blue floral top on a -2° January morning).

Five minutes after she goes in the bathroom, I pound on the door and tell her to get off the toilet.
Ten minutes later I go stand in the doorway and tell her to get dressed NOW.
If (as frequently happens) she is still not out, ten minutes before the bus, I go demand that she finish brushing her hair and come get her meds and breakfast. (She can’t eat all her breakfast that fast, but if it looks like she is running late, I can giver her a cup of milk to drink with meds, then put her dry cereal in a baggie to eat on the bus.)

7

Wow.

My family was a lot looser on this stuff. I had to get myself up and dressed starting first-second grade. My parents just didn’t really put up with it. If you weren’t dressed when the bus came, yoru clothes went in your backpack and out you went. I got dropped off at preschool naked at least once. (But that was when I hated wearing clothing, so it was my fault.)

None of this Mommy watching business. I have to admit that I’m bewildered by a 16 yr old whose parents still have to wake her up. Much less time her in the bathroom. And clothes inspection? We dressed ourselves before we woke ourselves up. Yes, my little sister wore plaids and spot together quite a bit, but that was her choice.

I can try to ask my parents how they did it, but I think they just refused to do things for us. No big announcement, no charts, just when we were able to dress ourselves it because our problem, not theirs.

8

Wow, that was unclear.

My sisters and I began selecting our own clothes and dressing ourselves unsurpervised pretty much as soon as we could be expected to operate buttons without hurting someone. We got our own alarm clocks as part of the school supplies for going to first grade.

Not “we dressed ourselves in our sleep” as I seem to be saying above.

9

Sixteen years old and you still have to manage their mornings?

Wow. When I was 16 it was simple expected I would get A’s at school. I knew where the bus stopped and that was about it. I cannot imagine what would have happened if the school had had to call home to ask why I was constantly late, but by the time I was 16, I was sufficiently motivated to make sure I never found out. Had I worn some stupidly inappropriate clothing, well, that was a problem I had to deal with. It was my job to get my own berakfast starting when I was about six.

Really, by 9 or 10, a kid should be pretty much self-managing in the mornings. If not, how are they gonna survive at COLLEGE?

10

Yeah ADHD. I try to get stuff layed out at night but sometimes that winds up tied into the homework fight but I think that i need to start trying that again. I don’t want reward with stuff but maybe i can increase the story time or make cookies or something. I had to get out of the house by myself from first grade on too, I am not entirely sure how I set this up.

11

We went through the fights, too. It is exhausting. My sister had a helluva time with my neice when she was about six. Her socks kept doing the TOOOOOOOOE THIIIIIIINNGG! I’ll give ya a toe thing.

12

Don’t give extra rewards for something she should/will have to do later on for herself! It makes the kids think they should be rewarded just for doing normal things that they are supposed to do in the first place, and can lead to problems for them with employment.

Is it possible for you to get up at 5:30 am and get yourself ready, so then you can focus on getting her out the door? It’s a stage she’s going through, kids that age are terminal dawdlers.

I’d go with a timer set up, X amount of time to get underwear, pants and shirt on, X amount of time to wash face, and brush teeth, X amount of time to get shoes and socks on, and bag packed etc. If she does not get the stuff done in reasonable time (give plenty of extra time for a sleepyhead) she gets a “demerit”. If she gets a set number of “demerits” in a certain time, extras don’t happen. (Just like in the real world, if we don’t do what we are supposed to, we can’t have extras or even needed stuff.) Use an twisty egg timer, the ones that “ding” loudly. She can even set it for the next time limit if she gets done early. Make it a game if possible, race the ding?

She’s old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. Explain to her that it’s very important that you get to your classes too. Explain just how bad it is if you miss classes, explain how it affects her too, in age appropriate terms.

Maybe she is dawdling because she really wants is more “mom time”? Kids that age crave LOTS of extra attention. Explain to her that school mornings are rushed, and that you will set up “dates” with her. Special time just for you and her to do things together. Make sure to keep the “dates” when you make them, and to make them “sacred time NOT to be interrupted”!

Good luck on finding a solution that works.

13

I’ll add, that I probably wouldn’t cancel a “date” because she got too many “demerits”. I’d have a set of things that will be lost if she gets too many, and stick to those.

14

Man, I still wish my mom was around to wake me up the mornings. Thank goodness for the wee one. She starts making noise and messes around 6:30, which means I’m up shortly thereafter.

My biggest problem in the morning is getting my daughter down the stairs to the bus. For some reason she is in extra slow motion as I’m trying to get her down there so as not to miss the bus. Our neighbors probably hear me nagging her every morning. Little weirdo.

15

Dang it, another addendum! Let the soft ticking of the timer replace the droning mantra, but chirp in from time to time to let her know what it says…

16

I’m going to make a WAG, based on your choice of thread title. You worry too much about being “mean” to you child.
Please, raise your child to be a good roommate to the poor soul who isn’t you she’s going to live with someday. That means getting up, doing chores and being responsible. Yes, she’s only 10, but that’s a real good time to teach about responsibility.
That said, you and all parents of ADD/ADHD children have my deep sympathy and admiration.

17

Well, having a kid who is Developmentally Handicapped as well as ADD bewilders me quite often, as well. She’s functional, but only with prompts. (Note the med references in both my post and the OP.)

18

My mother had to wake me up when I was 16. I had two alarm clocks and I still often slept through them. It’s a family trait (she used to have to call my sister to make sure she woke up and got to work on time, because she slept through her alarm, and another sister is having this same problem right now).

How do I get up now? One clock radio with a double alarm next to the bed, one alarm clock on the floor halfway across the room and a really loud alarm clock in the living room.

19

Aaaaaaaarghhhh, GO AWAY parents and non-parents of kids without these sorts of disorders! :wink:

You’ve got no freaking idea what’s it like to have a kid where this kind of micromanaging is not optional. Yes, we’re well aware that your neurotypical kid is able to get out the door without prompts, without meds and without a lot of support. Yes, we’re well aware our kids may not be ideal employees or roommates. We get it. We truly do get it. Believe us, we’d love to manage our kids like you manage your kids and have it work.

And getting up, doing chores and being responsible? Being too mean to our kids? Jesus wept. I guess if we just treat them as normal, the magic neurological fairy will pop by and fix them? That’s gonna be nice.

As if most of us didn’t go through years of trying the normal parenting stuff before resorting to meds. Gah.

20

I apologize for jumping to conclusions. I don’t automatically assume “psychiatric” with “meds”, and there was nothing in the OP that would indicate anything other than a child who was somewhat resistant to getting ready to go to school.

Robin