Every relationship I have been in, I feel GRATEFUL for having. Even if the relationship had some heavy, down times, I grew from experiencing them.
I feel so FORTUNATE that every one of my EXES crossed my path. I’m not an idiot, I don’t date idiots… so even if the relationship broke up… I can still take positive things from it.
Even if the relationship ended badly, I can only feel fortunate to have experienced it, since I will use that experience to grow from.
ahem…
you say every relationship you have been in was bad. errrr… you realize you are the common denominator, right?
I’m also a ‘nice guy’ more or less. If you neglect that I’m at time of stress a cold hearted souless machine – it’s a defence mechanism, can’t hurt someone who can shut off their emotions at will.
And I swear to god I have victim written all over me when it comes to dating.
I’ll grant that I have problems expressing my interest in a woman. Ya see, first I like to spend time as friends getting to known them and I always end up in the point where I start to fall in love but realize I care for them enough I’d rather be able to enjoy their company than risk blowing the chance at a relationship and their friendship all in one go.
In Highschool and the beginning of college I feel in love with an old friend… Summer vacation she went to Paris and I was heart broken. But I loved her and knew how much fun she’d have told her I loved her and how I wanted her to enjoy herself and I’d be waiting for her to come back and tell me about all the great times she had.
A few weeks later, we broke up with me because several people sabatoged the relationship THEN I got pictures of her having sex with a rather large number of different men emailed to me.
Next major relationship I was trying very gently to talk her into moving to Texas with me when she hooked up with drug dealer who she met at work.
THen there was a friend from college (aka the perfect woman) who I was interested in for a while who came to town for a conference… we ended up spending the best part of a week in my apt. I dropped her off at the airport and as I was driving away I saw her hunting around in her purse for a ring …
I got the wedding invitation in the mail a few days ago.
So ya know. I don’t exactly have much faith in women.
But ya know, who cares. Things change. I’ll be moving somewhere else soon, gonna hit the gym again for a few months and I can start this whole sadistic cycle over again.
The thing is, you simply make new ground rules for yourself in dating.
Always, ALWAYS always explain at the beginning of the relationship what YOUR expitations for the relationship are, ya know basic things. If you don’t want to date anymore, or find osmeone you are more attracted to TELL me before you start cheating on me. It’s a hell of a lot easier to hear, “it’s not working out between us, it should end” than it is to hear, “Yeah some 40 year old guy invited me out for drink and we had sex in his livingroom trying not to wake his kids” – that’s a BAD way to end a relationship.
How important sex is to you. Not frequency or anything like that. For me, sex isn’t a casual thing and I react differently to people who view it as a casual thing. I might get flamed for this… but this is a major part of your personality, and it can cause problems. For some odd reasons I’ve ONLY dated bi-sexual women and several times the conversation has come up with how she’s interested in some other woman and is asking for permission. If you’re cool with that, then it’s no problem. But for someone views sex more as an emotional act than a physical act dating someone who is the opposite then you can end up with some problems.
Must be less crazy than I am. Yes, being stalked is flattering, and ya know… if you stalk me I probably will end up dating you. And no, I’m no bastion of sanity. But damnit even I draw limits to bizzare behavior.
It mainly comes down to, what are you dating for? Someone to share your experiences with? Or someone for sex? Make sure you end up on the same page.
Look I’m not knocking sex, 2 or 3 times a day, the wilder the better, but damnit I can have sex with anything female. When I’m dating I want a girlfriend not a fuckbuddy.
Oh yeah, no skinny chicks need to apply. I’m sure your skeletal system is very attractive, but umm… too skinny is a turn off.
When I hear a guy say “I don’t need or want a girlfriend right now. They’re too much trouble, and I’m happier without”, I hear it translated as “I’ve been burned so many times, I can’t stand the thought of being turned down again, so I’ll put on my stoic face and pretend it doesn’t bother me, but I really want people to see through the ruse and feel sorry for me.”
OK, maybe that’s not a perfect interpretation every time, but I’ve lived enough of my life doing exactly that. And it pains me to see others doing that. The good news is things can change. The bad news is most people won’t.
I know that some people are perfectly happy like that, and perhaps I’ve been too harsh on Incubus. I was only trying to help, really.
I just suspected that he was really bitter (why else would he post to the Pit?), and was trying to tell him that he does have options. The things I’ve been posting here are the same sorts of things I wish someone had told me years ago. I wouldn’t have spent so many years as miserable as I did.
But I will cease and desist. If Incubus wants advice, he knows where to turn, and I’d be happy to chip in my tuppence.
Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the women who date jerks like that are the female equivalent of “a spineless jellyfish, milquetoast, socially inept nice guy”?
I see a lot of men and a lot of women complaining about the same thing and making the same mistake: generalizing the behavior of one subset of a gender as being the behavior of the entire gender. The only reason straight guys don’t complain about men being jerks is because they don’t date men. Have you ever heard a gay guy complain about how other men don’t want a nice guy? The same holds true for women. We only complain about men, because those of us who do date other women know that there are jerks, sweethearts, psycho-hose beasts, and goddesses all mixed in with the general population.
Look, Incubus, I sympathize. The four men I’ve been with were complete losers. One was a serial cheater, another had the worst traits of the redneck stereotype, the third was an emotional cripple, and the last one was a cheater, an emotional cripple, and had the worst traits of all the slacker/pothead/fuzzy headed liberal stereotypes you’ve ever come across.
After #4, I took myself off the market. I knew that there was something wrong with me, because I was the person choosing to be with those specific losers. I never did fall into the “All Men Are Jerks” trap, because I was surrounded by concerned, supportive, loving, mature men. It was because of those men I was able to grow enough backbone to pitch the losers out of my life and not look back.
It took me nearly a year to get over the damage #4 caused. By then, I decided to change my life. I moved, I went back to school, I changed careers, I got started in a new job. Now, four years later, I finally feel like I’ve got a handle on things. The difference between then and now is one major thing: I’m happy.
I have a great job, I have a nice home, I have a solid social life, and I have enough hobbies to keep my mind occupied and challenged. I’ve dated around a little bit, and instead of being slightly desperate, hoping that my date would like me, I find myself being patient and watchful. To start a relationship at this point in my life would require a bit of a sacrifice and some reshuffling of priorities. I’m not going to waste my precious time and energy doing that for a schlub.
One guy I’ve dated in the last year was a swell guy. I’d love to see him again, but changes in his own personal life precluded that. Oh, well. Other guys I’ve dated have shown up in the course of one date as being clingy, desperate, milque-toastish, or jerkish. I didn’t waste a second date on them. If I find someone I want to start a relationship with, fantastic. If not, it’s no big loss.
If you want to steer clear of the female-jerks out there (which the girl you posted about was), you have to be able to take it or leave it without mental anguish.
So, go ahead and wallow for a while. It’s part of the healing process. But then spend time building up your life without allowing the idea of a girlfriend to get in the way. The happier you are with yourself, the less likely you are to be abused by the jerks out there.
The trouble IS though JRDelirious, is that people such as blaron, and some of the other above posters truly believe that girls only like “bad boys”. And that they need to become jerks in order to get laid.
I totally disagree with those guys. They are just grasping at straws as a way to explain away their “dry stretch”.
My boyfriend is a megageek, not bad boy material by any stretch of the imagination. He and I may not stay attached as a couple (sniff), but I know we’ll always be good friends.
But let me tell you what, he has girls pinging off of him like crazy. And it’s BECAUSE he’s a nice guy, he just never sees them, or realizes what they are doing, and if I point it out “hey!! Luke that cute waitress wanted you, if I hadn’t been here, she would have been all over you”. He doesn’t believe it!!!
Also, if we do end up breaking up, I’ll head for the next “Luke clone” I see.
One last thing, how do YOU (meaning you men that think you have to be jerks to get laid) know “nice guys don’t get laid”? They ARE nice guys after all, so they don’t kiss and tell!!!
Well, uh . . . hi, there, cuauhtemoc. I’m doin’ just fine. The play I’m in opened last Friday night, and I’m getting a very positive response for my role (Lucy in You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown), so I’m feeling pretty darn chipper.
