I noticed a small pattern in a few people’s situations with dating girls. That is:
Date girl, who is nice, but politely informs you that she doesn’t like to be touched/caressed and doesn’t want a physical relationship. You are fine with that, because you like the girl for who she is and respect her boundaries.
You find out later that while she was saying this to you, she was asking other guy(s) to drill her hard on the kitchen table.
Why the RRRR do girls do this? Because this makes me feel that either 1.) They don’t consider me physically attractive to cuddle with (or even HOLD HANDS for that matter) or 2.) They’re being manipulative and want to stay in control by depriving me of something THEY think that ALL guys will drop everything for.
Either way it is an insult and cruel. If they don’t like to be touched I don’t have a problem with that. But obviously they just don’t like to be touched by me (or whoever they are ‘dating’ in either case)
I’m afriad the answer is almost certainly behind door number two: they aren’t physically attracted to you. It’s really not that amazing that they don’t come out and say it: they’re probably nice people (or else you wouldn’t have been wooing them in the first place) and they don’t want to hurt your feelings.
It’s hard not to take rejection personally, because, hell, it IS personal. And it sucks that life is like that, that attraction is often not recipocated: lok at all the perfectly nice people you are not attracted to, or not as attracted to as you are to other people. It suclks. I’m sorry. But these girls aren’t bad people for not being attracted to you anymore than you are a bad person for not being attracted to other people.
Welcome to the club. You too have found out that women are evil and exist for the sole purpose of destroying our last vestiges of hope, melting our fragile egos like a discarded fudgesicle on a hot summer sidewalk
I was thinking about becoming a eunuch to get revenge. That’ll show them!
Several years ago, I had a long-term relationship with a womderful woman. Unfortunately, one of her flaws was that she would only wear grannie panties; she claimed they felt good, and that she considered her comfort to be more important than my titillation in choosing undergarments. Fair enough.
A month or so after we broke up, I saw her in the mall … carrying a stuffed Victoria’s Secret bag.
I also have a knack for attracting women who gave up their slutty, wild ways just a month or two before they met me. They claim they’re now JWs or born-again Christians who think a romp in the sack will earn them a one-way ticket straight to a Jack Chick-like Hell.
Okay, maybe I can shed some light on this from a girl’s perspective. She may not have known she wasn’t physically attracted to you until you actually went out with her.
And at that point she’s feeling “there’s no chemistry”.
I have a question though, how did you find out about her and other guys on the kitchen table? That seems a bit odd.
Most girls who aren’t physically attracted to you aren’t meaning to be either cruel or insulting. You are talking about a first or second date right?
What makes you think that guys have exclusive rights to feeling awkward and shy on a date? If I discover that I’m not attracted to a guy, I don’t, merely by virtue of being a female have some pat, wonderfully diplomatic way of gently both telling him that and magically saving his ego at the same time!!
It’s uncomfortable and awkward for me too!!! I’m thinking “damn!!! what’s wrong with me?? He’s such a nice guy too!! Now how do I say this without being cruel or insulting”???
Since I don’t really know the guy that well on a first or second date, it usually comes out awkward and stumbling and not the way I’d like it to be.
And ftr, it sucks to date a guy that’s nice, but for whom you don’t have sexual vibes. You’d like to be friends, but we all know what a poison word that is.
If a girl doesn’t have sexual feelings for you, it does NOT mean you aren’t physically attractive, it just means that you and that particular girl don’t have chemistry together.
Y 'see, Incubus, m’man, someone must have forgot to pass you the memo… Saying to another person “I don’t like to be touched/don’t want a physical relationship”, has been adopted not only as a statement of a general rule, but additionally as a socially acceptable way of telling THAT PERSON they’re not interested in that WITH HIM/HER. The committee is late and over budget at coming up with a suitable feelings-sparing self-esteem-protecting non-judgmental newspeak for the latter.
Anyway unless there is an explicit or strongly-implied promise of “light at the end of the tunnel”, the excuse in question leaves BOTH parties morally free to pursue other interests in the touching/physical relationship field. In fact the person using the excuse may be secretly hoping YOU run into someone more amenable and the issue never has to be brought up again!
This causes difficult situations such as yours, if one person has all the information and the other doesn’t: the person with all the information will of course see no inconsistency with getting drilled hard on the kitchen table if the circumstances are different – in another place, at another time, with another person, or under the influence of a sudden hormonal firestorm that comes up just when you’re not the nearest warm body.
OTOH, outright deliberate deceit for the sake of playing control games is loathsome behavior and not enough insults can be heaped at someone engaging in this.
FWIW, as long as you don’t use any actual cruel insults, that works for me. I can even take constructive criticism.
And, women of Earth: (a), there is nothing wrong with you for not “clicking” with a “nice guy”; (b) you have NO (nada, zero, keine, null) moral obligation of any kind to attempt to “magically save our egos”. Honest! No need to work yourselves into confusion figuring out how to finesse it.
(… OK, so maybe you really, really should not use the actual words “you’re a really nice guy, but…”, as that has become a toxic cliché)
Why, if there is no chemistry, do you keep going out with the guy? I understand not hurting his feelings (boy, do I ever) but how does continuing to let him believe that the two of you got something help? I might be hurt to learn that the two of us didn’t have much of a future, but I’d be really pissed off to know that I was entertaining her while somebody else was really entertaining her.
I understand about being friends, and I realize that she shouldn’t be expected to provide dessert just because he buys dinner, but why not just come out and say you just want to be friends, and there’s no love vibes between the two of you?
Also… a lot of these “nice guys” who aren’t getting laid aren’t not getting it because they are nice, but because they are spineless jellyfish with no personality or opinions. Most of the really fun and dynamic “nice guys” that I’ve known have chicks crawling all over them.