You are on routine patrol when you stop a car. The car for some unexplained reason stops and is cooperative. You get all the passengers out and on the ground. Then, while searching one of them you discover that it is Saddam.
What do you do?
The obvious answers…
Shoot him, tell your superiors that he resisted.
Detain him, make a call to your superior, big “atta boy”, appearances on Leno, Letterman, visit W at the White House, etc. etc.
The temptation to kill the son-of-a-sow would be great, especially if you could get his two spawn with him. But really? . . . I’d lock him in a room with Geraldo Rivera. After all, Geraldo promised!
How the hell would you know it was him? I’ve seen probably 3 or 4 people on TV recently that could pass for Saddam. Unless you know him personally, I doubt you could identify him for sure.
I’d lock him up, and get one of San Francisco’s most outlandish drag queen clothes designers to fly on over, and give him complete makeover - totally over top like the maid played by Hank Azaria in the Bird Cage.
Then, I’d pump him chock a block full of ecstasy and a truckload of other designer drugs - and then interview him about serious subjects while he was in a gay nightclub somewhere.
Then, I’d release the tape to Al Jazeera. That should pretty well ruin his standing in the Arab World I rather think.
I wouldn’t kill him, wouldn’t torture him- nothing nasty and painful. But there is one thing I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from doing- I’d shave off his mustache. Then I’d detain him and call my superiors. If anyone asks, well, he was like that when I found him.