It could almost be a documentary! (Because that’s how bad Comic Sans is)
Blood Meridian with a Glee cast reunion!
An entire movie about Jimmy Olsen? In which the character of Superman never appears?
Star Trek The Transporter Saga (ST:TTS)
Two hour film set entirely in the transporter room. People come and go, with a hint of the larger picture, but nothing ever materializes (so to speak). Basically a one-man play with a lot of monologing.
Nah. It probably wouldn’t lose enough money, and people will still go to see it. There will be SD threads stating it is the best trek ever.
AND the ending is twist where the battle scenes are just the dying fevered dreams of main character
And Chewbacca is now anatomically correct with his 18 inch penis swinging back and forth when he is on screen.
A Star Trek vs Star Wars film would upset two huge fanbases at once and lose millions of dollars!!!
CATS II, with M. Night Shyamalan as director. I’d also add Nicholas Cage and Adam Sandler to the cast - with additional musical numbers. Oh, and William Shatner in a solo. What could go wrong?
I’m going to hire Woody Allen to write, direct, and star in the next Star Wars reboot.
I don’t know–at this point THAT might be an IMPROVEMENT!!!
A sequel to Bambi, called Man Is in the Forest. Use full-on Disney style animation (with human animators) , and big-name stars to voice the principal characters. The difference is that the hunters are always around and various lovable creatures die at random times (they don’t all have to be shot; you could have some run across a road and get hit by a car, or have an injured animal left behind by the others and be eaten by scavengers. Bambi wouldn’t be the first one killed, but be somewhere in the middle, and there would be nothing noble or heroic about his death. The movie ends with a fire breaking out during the winter, and those who don’t die by flame freeze to death among the charred remains of the forest.
We’ll leave out sex and profanity and try for a PG rating.
A fantasy/DnD movie, using all the cruddy stereotypes from 80s-90s fantasy movies. With the most expensive cast possible, all too old for the roles.
I will promote it as a faithful & accurate retelling of the Bible.
Hawkman was one of the few things that was well-received in Black Adam. It’d make money.
Knowing that would require me to have seen that piece of shit Black Adam.
But I’m happy for Hawkman, I guess.
Does it have to be a movie? And does it need to be bad or just lose money?
If it’s allowed I would say a full “Game of Thrones” budget unabridged adaption of Mike Duncan’s history of Rome podcast. All 73 hours of it, no skimming, no content-free history channel* “10 seconds of low budget reenactments, content free interview with a popular historian or two, and that’s your show”. All the details, the analysis and full Hollywood quality recreations of the battles. It would be awesome and I am fairly sure it would lose money hand over fist.
* - back when the history actually did history shows that is, even content free bs like that would be a step up from their current content.
Look, I’m an artist, okay? I don’t do cheezy twist endings.
I will, however, be actually giving the lead actor actual cholera, for the art. The OHSA violation fines/lawsuits should drive up the cost of the movie nicely.
…so long as the ending is a Sopranos-style cut to black screen just before the Death Star and the Enterprise fire their main weapons at each other.
I am seeing a Star Wars crossover with Lord of the Rings, called Star Wars of the Rings (there are no actual rings in the movie, this is strictly for marketing purposes).
In the 4th Age of Middle Earth, will there be a new Dark Lord? Yes, and it’s Palpatine, resurrected yet again and seeking new worlds to conquer. Spoiler: it turns out the Valar are vulnerable to light sabers, and that tie fighters can fly to the sacred lands using a wormhole. Spoiler: Palpatine’s clumsy assistant accidentally releases Morgoth from the outer darkness, and the two baddies compete for dominance. Does this give some hero a tiny chance to overcome the odds and save Middle Earth? No. There is no hero, native magic loses to the forces of the Dark Side, and all of Middle Earth is converted, first to a smoking ruin, and then to a parking lot.
Ending credits will be followed by a teaser/easter egg which shows an off-course Enterprise emerging from hyperspace over the remains of Middle Earth. Can they escape before the forces of the new Dark Lord find them? Can they get back to their own space, maybe using a slingshot around Eru? Tune in to the exciting sequel to find out.
There, guaranteed to outrage several huge, if overlapping, fan segments. Needless to say, any special effects will be derivative and already over-used in every other film in these genres, but not as well done as before. Morgoth will be destroyed off-camera (as will the other Valar), but there will be a full life-sized replica for filming the body lying among crushed mountains, lovingly shown in excruciating and tedious detail.
That reminds me of another one. The All William Shatner, musical version of Julius Caesar, as described in the movie Free Enterprise.
The goal here is to spend a ton of money on a movie no one is interested in. I would make a movie about the Battle of Culloden starting with the landing of Charles Stuart in Scotland on 23 July 1745 and would end with his defeat on 16 April 1746. It would be an epic starring absolutely no actors anyone in the US would have heard of filmed on location with rain machines needed.
Bonus if I make it Oscar bait.