Ah yes, its that time of year again. The time of year when it isn’t the current flavor-of-the-month getting heavy rotation on the airwaves.
Worse.
Its the time of year that the same fucking music you’ve been hearing since the late 70s EVERY DECEMBER of EVERY YEAR gets heavy rotation.
Our pseudo-“rock” station in my fair city feels that it is “cool” to play “Rock” Christmas music. Well, so far, every day for the past 2 weeks I’ve heard:
Bruce Springsteen (Merry Christmas BAYYYBEH!!!)
The Beach Boys (ooooohhhh… little Reindeer … ooooohhhh little reindeer)
I think possibly Heart
More Bruce Springsteen (raspy voice - SAAAAANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN!!!)
And worst of all,
BONEY-M (oh my lord… oh my lord… oh my lord…)
You know, it wasn’t so bad at first, but, the crux of the problem appears tp be that there is only about 1 xmas song released by a “rock” or “pop” artist every, oh, 4-5 years. So, the same shit gets rehashed over EVERY FUCKING YEAR AFTER FUCKING YEAR.
So, please, I beg the radio stations. FOR FUCKS SAKE - QUIT PLAYING THIS GOD DAMN SHITTY MUSIC over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I’d rather go through a time-warp, get captured by the Nazis and interrogated.
Christmas music makes me want to chew on the bones of my inner ear.
But there are some decent Christmas songs out there, especially in the rock genre. I Believe in Father Christmas by ELP, Christmas Song by Jethro Tull, Father Christmas by the Kinks, off the top of my head.
You know, I enjoy Christmas music, really. When I’m in the mood for it.
But when one station goes all Christmas right after thanksgiving, and another goes all Christmas all weekend as well, I’m down two stations on the presets!
I enjoyed Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree. For a while. Now it just makes my ears bleed.
Christmas music in the right time & place is fantastic. I just wish it were easier to avoid.
Got three words for ya: Singing Christmas Trees. If you’re not familiar with these specific torture devices, allow me to elaborate: they are small plastic Evergreens which tinnily screech out the first few bars of ‘Jingle Bells’ every time someone walks by.
Now imagine a barrel full of these creations sitting out in front of a toy store in a mall. Now imagine that you work across the aisle from said store. Imagine that you still have freakin’ flashbacks every holiday season.
No, the worst ever is the musac (sp) version of the 12 days of christmas with no words. Duh, duh duh duh duh, duh duh, duh duh duh duh DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH. I had to work in a grocery store when I was in high scholl and hear that song every 45 minutes, I thought I was going to go crazy. It was like driving a freaking ice cream truck or something.
No, the worst is having to go to Hallmark for your mom to pick up some cards the weekend before Christmas, being stuck in there for TWO HOURS waiting to get rung up, and for some unholy reason, having to listen to Dolly Parton’s version of “Winter Wonderland” on repeat THE ENTIRE TWO HOURS.
To this day, I can’t hear a single line of any version of Winter Wonderland without twitching violently.
Old & busted: Manheim Steamroller.
New h0tness: The Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
For their part, the singing christmas trees should be subjected to the same destructive levels of ionizing radiation as their spiritual cousin, the Singing Billy Bass. They are naked, smirking evil personified.
“Do They Know It’s Christmas” is the worst offender, followed very closely by the more traditional one whose title I can never remember: “Come on, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.” Dorky lyrics, goofy music, lousy arrangements, and that damn whip-cracking sound.
I can bear just about any other Xmas song except those two.
I think the worst one is that horrible David Bowie/Somebody version of “Drummer Boy”. Ughh, it’s just so repetitive and vile and easy to get stuck in your head.
Who knew that someday I would look back fondly on the days when we had to listen to the oldies station playing “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” every feaking day.
Uh oh. I must admit. I love Christmas music. As soon as they start playing it, it’s about all I listen to on the radio.
My favorites are celtic Christmas music and the older stuff, sung by the originals. Like “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” sung by Judy Garland. Or the cathedral-like stuff. Yes, yes, I like the Vienna Boys Choir, too. And the Mormon Tabernacle music. What can I say? I’m completely sappy over all that music.
But no, I don’t really care for the musak versions or the modernized versions of a lot of it.
A friend of mine who drives carriages recently said that she’s considering charging riders an extra $5.00 if they sing “Jingle Bells” at any time during their ride.
