The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of the garden hose & both taps.
You can make sun tea in three minutes flat.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover you can get sunburned through your car window.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
You get a third degree burn opening your car door.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard boiled eggs .
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You prefer walking on coals to walking on asphalt to get your mail.
Amen, sister!
Our a/c at work was out for 3 days several weeks ago, and I snuck downstairs to the faculty lounge and stuck my head in the freezer for a minute or two to cool off.
When I get into my car at 4:00 every afternoon, it’s like walking into an oven. I learned that those lovely reflective car shades don’t do one stinking bit of good!
And the radio station is sponsoring a contest where they pay off the July electric bills (up to $500) of the winners . . .
And my dog runs outside only to tinkle, and it’s evaporated before she runs back in to lay on her back under the ceiling fan . . .
What’s even better is the steamy sauna effect curtesy of the recent rains in central Texas.
Juanitatech jots down yet another reason she’ll never live in Texas.
You know you are in Texas in the summer when…
There’s a chair in front of your refrigerator.
Your car’s radiator looks like Old Faithful.
You only see neighbors venture out after dark.
A 98.6 degree fart can’t rise to nose level.
Your dog gets stuck in a yard crack.
The airport closes because planes can’t get lift.
You stray from the sidewalk just to follow shade.
Your grill cooks faster than the microwave.
You use the pool for 3 minute eggs.
You hear cicadas but not any birds.
They may or may not make the air inside the car cooler, but, if you plan ahead regarding the position of the sun at your expected departure time, they can keep you from burning your hands on the steering wheel.
…you need to put Crisco in your lawn chairs before sitting in them.
When you realize that Oklahoma is starting to look good.
You get sunburns on both arms, from shoulder to fingernails. Happened to me while visiting my sister near Houston for the first week of August one year.
The burn mark under your arm looks like your car door trim.
Even little old ladies have pit stains.
You hose yourself down while sprinkling the plants.
Ice cream goes soft in the freezer.
Mirages are everywhere.
The tickle of sweat running down your face is what wakes you up.
The neighbor kid is in the gutter with an egg.
Y’all, try being pregnant in the summer. It’s NOT fun. Half the time, I think my poor kid is cooking in there!
Robin
You realize that there are bubbles rising up through the liquid inside your outdoor thermometer.
You see a dog chasing a cat, and they’re both walking.
Now for the real ones:
You step outside of one of our extravagantly over-airconditioned malls and the chilled air trapped in your clothes acts like a space-suit for a couple of steps before the blowtorch-hot outside air overpowers it. This causes you to hum a few bars of “Walking on the Sun.”
(I remember this one from childhood) You make the enormous mistake of stepping on a Texas sidewalk barefoot in early June, before your barefoot-calluses have formed, and the nerve endings in your foot have a nervous breakdown sending messages to your brain like “HOT! No, wait - COLD! FREEZING cold! Damn - scratch that - it’s IMPOSSIBLY HOT! Or COLD!”
“God, please let it rain. I mean, it’s not for me. I’ve seen it, but I don’t think my little brother ever has.”
Oh yeah, two more:
In Houston, the humidity is so bad fish swim out of the water and into the air because they don’t notice the dividing line.
In El Paso, they have to ship the fish to Houston so they don’t forget how to swim.
Buddy, I haven’t seen live fish here since 1987…
Well, I got a suspicion Memphis (Mississippi Delta) is similar, so how about:
Your coffee cup is sweating like icewater.
(Also, I live without air-conditioning on moral–not environmental–grounds, but I’ve pretty much decided that I’m sticking this summer out and next year I’m going to live in cool, cool air. It’ll be a shame to cave that way, but man, it is HOT.)
Your farts are a cool breeze between the cheeks…
If you can even have morals with regards to air conditioning then Memphis cannot possibly be like Texas.
Somebody says ‘Go to Hell’ and you think it’s a good idea.
OK, maybe I am about to get Whooshed! but what could could possibly be immoral about air-conditioning?
I live in Dallas, and I have gone a summer without air-conditioning in my car, but NEVER in a house.