Natives all wear long grass skirts and necklaces made out of lion teeth, carry spears which they wave around a lot, and shout “Ooga-booga! Ooga-booga!” They are extremely hostile but run away in panic if a shot is fired.
The hero (if he’s not an ape-man) describes his occupation matter-of-factly as “soldier of fortune.” He wears a pith helmet, and starched khakis that never show the least sign of sweat stains.
There will be a stock footage scene of a lion and a tiger fighting, as well as a scene of a stampede including elephants, zebras, and half a dozen other kinds of animals.
The heroine at some point will “pass out” from the heat, and be caught as she slumps to the ground by either the hero or her guardian.
You have a liquor cabinet in your office, a box on your desk containing hundreds of cigarettes, and you’re enjoying a scotch and a smoke with your boss at 10AM while you “discuss business.”
As an addendum, gunshot wounds have no visible evidence at all, aside from the wounded falling over, clutching his belly (the only place gunshot wounds occur).
Crime never pays.
Women ride in cars with their hair covered by daintily tied headscarves.
If you are a man, you always carry a handkerchief - and you only use it in three specific situations: assisting a sobbing dame, dabbing the trickle of blood in the corner of your mouth after being punched in the kisser, and rubbing the back of your neck on a hot day.
Movie directors are all men, and they dress as if they are going horse riding (except for the beret).
If you’re a mean cranky old geezer, you’ll change into a sweet nice old man just by being entertained by a blonde curly-haired four-year old adorable little girl who can sing and dance her way into your heart.
If you are a woman standing outside of a room overhearing a conversation containing startling revelations, you will daintily show your surprise by fluttering your hand up to your mouth and moving your eyes to the side.
One of those ‘chippies’ usually qualifies as a hooker with a heart of gold, even though she tries to act tough. She’s usually killed by the villain as she tries to protect either the hero or a small child.
IF you are a woman and you are working then you MUST be single.
You get your newspaper from a kid with a Brooklyn accent who will either yell “Extra, Read all about it” or “Paper Mista?”
If you are the Black Action hero funky music follows you down the streets.
If you are the hardboiled detective with a manly lisp you rarely use a gun. Instead you go around smacking around the goons who have gans and taking the guns from them. Aftre all a real man doesn’t need a gun.
If you are the hero of a serial you will get into at least fifteen fist fights where someone is knocked out but shakes it off just in time. Will have to jump out of at least five cars heading for certain doom. Be in at least 1 airplane hurtling to the ground. Have four explosions nearly do you in. Will be unconscious three times as you head for your death while lying on a conveyor belt or have somthing head for you. And once appear to have fallen over a cliff in your car only to have bailed out at the last minute. All in the space of a single day.
You end up hanging from a freaking clock tower, or a freaking window ledge, or a freaking I beam at a construction site. And people you can’t even see are laughing at you.
Reporters always wear those hats with the bits of paper sticking out of the top.
Your science laboratory has an oscilliscope, a jacob’s ladder, a rack of test tubes with different colored liquid in them. If you’re a mad scientist, at least one of your formulas will involve dry ice.
The plane you’re flying in is real when seen on the runway, but suspiciously model-like in the air. (See Airport)
When you get committed to the nuthouse (delightful early 20th century slang for insane asylum), all of the attendents wear white uniforms.
Doctors make house calls, carrying a black bag.
Cabdrivers speak english and wear uniform caps, bow ties.
People dress for dinner.
-Offices have intercoms.
-Gas station attrendents pump gas, check tires, check oil, water, etc.!
The government is respected!
-Juvenilesutter starnge expressions like:
“twenty-three skiddoo!” or “cheese it, da cops!”
Unless you are in Brooklyn; where the cabbies wear those flat hats… have 5 o’ clock shadow… smoke (or at least chew on) cigars… and say “where to, bub?”.
Also, any woman being chased will fall and twist her ankle.
There will also be a moment where the female lead becomes very upset with the male lead, and will beat ineffectually on his chest shouting “You brute! You brute!”… until she falls into his arms crying.
Priests all look like Bing Crosby or Spencer Tracey
When couples kiss, their noses are never smooshed.
Their kisses are timeless and involve no saliva.
Overcoats puddle to the floor with a liquid ease.
When dramatic moments happen, the camera physically draws you into the action by craning in or dollying in, since the zoom lens hasn’t even been INVENTED yet!!! You feel intimately involved in what is happening.
When someone dies, there’s little if no blood but you hold your breath and gasp anyway.