All of your friends’ houses have long majestic staircases spiralling up to the bedrooms, and there is always a blond in mid ascent, looking smokily down at you as if to say with her eyes, “Downstairs is so gauche, the real party is upstairs with me.”
Visiting friends just isn’t the same nowadays.
Children refer to their parents as “mother” and "father.
Women wear aprons. A lot.
Everyone’s hair is perfect. Even in windy scenes.
Women all have dressing tables.
Examples? Even actors like Edward Everett Horton were usually the male lead’s best friend.
Tough guy refuse to play the sap for some dame.
Blonde kids are called “Whitey”
People watching or stalking you stand under streetlights.
Examples? Even actors like Edward Everett Horton were usually the male lead’s best friend.
The credits at the end last 10 seconds max on the screen.
Gunshots sound like real gunshots.
Humphrey Bogart asks you for a handout … twice.
People begin sentences with “Say…” as in “Say!.. What are ya, a wiseguy?”
The proper response to “Oh, yeah?” is “Yeah!”
“You can get locked away if you act even slightly crazy. Talking to yourself is nearly all the evidence they need.”
Unfortunately, this was true. I’ve seen Green Warrants (requests for involuntary committment) from the early part of the 20th Century that were based on a whole lot less than “talking to yourself.”
Spies and private eyes must wear trenchcoats.
If you’re going to shoot someone outside, you must first break the window glass with your revolver. The bullet obviously won’t get past the glass by itself.
When shooting a revolver, you must lunge the pistol forward with each shot. Remember, these old guns don’t push the bullets out very fast. They need your help.
If you go to a third world country, the first person you see will speak English and become your guide. All natives will either be trying to kill you, or will serve you slavishly, even at the cost of their lives.
Third world natives, space aliens, monsters from the labs of mad scientists will all have a strong sexual preference for the white woman. But don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to rescue her before they do more than leer at her and advance very, very slowly.
Everyone has help. No matter how poor you’re claiming to be, no matter how dire your straits, you’ve still got a maid - and so do all your friends.
If you are one of the most beautiful women in the world, all you need to do is put on a pair of ugly glasses and put your hair in a bun, and no one notices. Of course, at strategic points, you can take off the ugly glasses and let your hair down and everyone instantly recognizes how gorgeous you are.
Well just off the top of my head (and a quick sneak at imdb.com) I can come up with:
“Kip” (David Wayne) – Katherine Hepburn’s “ever so sophisticated” neighbor in “Adam’s Rib”
“the Cowardly Lion” (Bert Lahr) – Dorothy’s especially effeminate roadtrip companion in “the Wizard Of Oz”
And "Addison DeWitt’ (George Sanders), who “is nobody’s fool, especially not YOURS (Eve’s)” in “All About Eve.”
I’m sure I can come up with more with a little time…
Damn, plnnr, that’s some scary shit. I had always hoped that it was a Hollywood invention, for dramatic tension.
I imagine just about everyone nowadays would qualify as insane to those people. No wonder old folks can be so upset with us.
Who, of course, was played by a Swedish guy.
Everything costs exactly one coin - usually a nickel.
Someone who is lighthearted or in a joyous mood is described as “gay.”
Nobody knows what “The Seven Words You Can’t Say On Television” are.
(Heck, sometimes nobody knows what “television” is! 
)
When the action breaks out its in a steady shot that is held for more than five nanoseconds before an edit.
If you are in a Battle scene you can be sure that those watching will actually see many scenes of the thousands of extras fighting with you.
You will never lose your hat in a fight. EVER!
Your servants are all happy black folk (fat if their are women, tall and skinny if they are men) who sho’ like nothin’ better than raisin yo chillun, cleanin yo house (that is unless youse isn’t lookin) an of course speakin in dialects.
All Asians you meet are either:
A) incredibly wize in mysterious oriental mysticism (Especially in the sayings of confusious)
B)Twisted Evil madmen bent on world domination…and taking of white women through the use of their twisted oriental brains.
C) The local Laundry or in butler guy who says things like “Aso! lookie lookie me likie likie a 'rot”
If you ever meet the rare East Indian they are quiet servants, carriers of things and the scared guy that usually takes the spear or falls from the bridge first and all of these wear turbans.
Actually, that’s another one that still applies to movies today. While there are occasionally ugly women appearing in movies, any woman that is supposed to be ugly is never actually ugly.
Perhaps the “beautiful woman becomes unrecognizably nerdy and awkward behind glasses” phenomenon is related to the “square-jawed super-hero becomes unrecognizably nerdy and awkward behind glasses” phenomenon?
You’re in a posse, chasing a gunfighter who’s wanted for no greater crime than standing up to the wealthy rail baron, and during the chase you ride past the same rock formation seventeen times.
When you finally encounter him, he fires his six-shooter a couple of dozen times without reloading.
The bullets constantly make a twanging ricochet sound, even though there’s no metal surfaces nearby.
During fast ‘action-cuts’, the level of daylight changes back and forth from high noon to twilight.
Although twelve men die, there is no blood.
Even though you are supposed to be sneaking around in the dead of night, the shadows on the ground are surprisingly strong.
Women have absolutely no idea on how to drive a car.
When saying goodbye to your sweetheart, instead of being in an airport terminal, you will both be on a train platform. If you are a man, you will either be wearing a suit, a trenchcoat, or both. If you are a woman, you will be wearing a hat. You will both gaze longingly at each other until the train whistle blasts and the crotchety old conductor yells, “All aboard!!”, at which point, the two of you will kiss, NO TONGUES!!, and if you are the woman you will bravely try but fail to hold back your tears.