You might be a bad driver if…

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I thought this might be fun. If it’s already been done, forgive me, I’m new around here

The premise:
I drive a lot. 20,000+mi/yr. In an ongoing effort to protect my person, I have developing some theories about what kinds of people/cars I should be especially watchful for on the road. Besides, it’s kinda fun, and gives me something to do.

The rules:
Mini-rants are okay. Maxi-rants should go to the Pit.
This is just for fun, okay?

The delivery:
You might be a bad driver if…
You wear a hat inside the car while you drive (65%)
It’s a baseball cap (90%)
You wear it backwards (99%)

You might be a bad driver if…
Your head is not visible above the top of your seat/headrest (65%)

You might be a bad driver if…
You have a cell phone permanently grafted to your ear. (85%)

You might be a bad driver if…
(In my area at least…)
You drive a BMW (except Z3s, go figure) (99%)
Anybody?

2

You might be a bad driver if…
You feel the need to ride vanguard to an emergency vehicle. The ambulance has sirens & lights, it does not need you to clear a path for it.

3

…your stereo is turned to maximum volume, with so much bass that your car actually bounces up and down (90%)

…you drive more than two miles without noticing your turn signal is on (80%)

…you drive with a coffee in one hand and a sandwich in the other (90%)

…you consult the road map while you’re driving (95%)

…on a straight stretch of freeway, you decide to take a brief nap (100%)

(NB I have actually seen the last example. I blared my horn, and the guy woke up and looked around as if to say, “What? Where am I?”)

4

. . . in addition to having a cell phone grafted to your ear (see above), you cannot have a telephone conversation without gradually slowing to a halt in traffic (I’ve seen this happen twice).

. . . you find it necessary to maintain a death grip on the steering wheel and lean forward until your face is flush with the dashboard.

. . . you have replaced at least one taillight cover with red plastic film, and at least 10% of your car’s body is in primer gray.

5

. . .you ride the brakes with your left foot – the brake lights never go off. (80%)
. . .you ride the brakes, even though you have a stickshift. (95%)
. . .you never touch the brakes. At all. (100%)

. . .you race to get 30 feet behind the car in front of you, no matter what the speed. (75%)
. . .if the car in front of you has more than 30 feet between it and the car in front of it, you close up to within 15 feet. (90%)
. . .you then honk, flash your lights, and try to pass (in the worst possible spot). (100%)

. . .something is hanging out your door. (25%)
. . .it’s your seat belt. (50%)
. . .it’s your leg. (100%)
. . .it’s your child. (150%)

. . .you can name three local body shops. (30%)
. . .you’ve had body work at three local body shops. (60%)
. . .you have a revolving charge account at three local body shops. (90%)
. . .you’ve named your children after the supervisors at local body shops. (100%)

6

Some observations I’ve made in my driving career…

you might be a bad driver if…
You drive a white Mercury Grand Marquis that isn’t a cop car (65%)
And you’re over the age of 75 (70%)
And you’re driving south on I-95 (95%)
In the left lane (97%)
With your turn signal on (99%)

you might be a bad driver if…
You have a “No Fear” sticker on your rear window (75%)
And it fills up the entire window (95%)
And the car is a Honda with an aftermarket exhaust (97%)
And it has other racing decals (99%)
Especially that one with Calvin pissing on the Ford logo (100%)

you might be a bad driver if…
You drive a 1980 Camaro with over $5,000 worth of paint and body work (55%)
And it still doesn’t have a muffler (60%)
And the direct rays of the sun don’t have a prayer of penetrating the illegal window tint (75%)
And the car has been independently appraised because the stereo and the radar detector are worth more than the Blue Book value of the car itself (90%)
And an aftermarket tach is mounted to the steering column (95%)
And the rear end is jacked up to accommodate drag slicks (97%)

you might be a bad driver if…
You drive a new VW Cabrio (10%)
With a Kappa Kappa Gamma sticker in the window (90%)
With “scrunchies” wrapped around the gear shift (95%)
And a giant red bow hanging from the rear view mirror (99%)
I could go on, but I won’t.

7

…you are so scared to cross an intersection when you have a stop sign that you wait until there is no traffic for 3 miles

…you can’t even see out of your back window because of all the stupid-ass stuffed animals on the rear deck

…you are applying make-up while the car is in motion

…you are on your fucking cell phone AND reading a map/newspaper/magazine at the same time

8

No, go on! You’re killing me over here!

9

You might be a bad driver if:

By law you must wear a helmet while driving. (90%)
By law you must wear a helmet while walking. (100%)
You are only 3.5 trimesters old. (156.7%)

10

…you only look straight ahead. At all times. (100%)
…you can’t/don’t hear any noises outside your vehicle (100%)
…you have the ability to turn onto whatever street you like, all that oncoming traffic will stop for you, of course! (100%)
… you think nothing of driving your 1978 Corvette at 130. In the rain. In the dark. On a highway. Heading towards a bridge. (200%: they didn’t bother with EMS, just got a sponge and body bag)

11

…if you keep your hand on your girlfriends breast. (45%)

…if she keeps her hand on your penis. (75%)

…if you keep your mouth on her breast. (95%)

…if she keeps her mouth… (185%)

12

…you use your rear-view mirror exclusively for hair combing and the application of cosmetics (90%).

…you stop in accelleration lanes of more than 100 feet in length when merging into highway traffic (60%).

…the officer who issues you speeding ticket #4 calls you by your first name before asking for your license (100%) [author’s note: the last actually happened to m–to someone I know. Very well.]

13

You might be a bad driver if:

You have a “Local Motion” sticker anywhere on your car: 45%

You have an object dangling from your rearview mirror: 50%

You have stick on chrome accessories: 55%

Your car is white with white tape on the tail light lenses: 60%

You have more than one object dangling from your rearview mirror: 65%

You pull to the left when an emergency vehicle approaches: 70%

You need a ladder to enter your vehicle: 75%

A majority of parts not normally visible on your vehicle are chromed: 80%

The lift job on your monster truck exceeds the original vehicle cost: 85%

If most of your hand signals do not use the majority of your fingers: 90%

You use fog lamps during conditions of unlimited visibility: 95%

You are totally incapable of using your turn signals: 100%

You fix a burned out headlight by turning your high beams on: 125%

You must come to a complete stop before turning right to enter a driveway: 150%

14

You exceed the speed limit at all times (50%)

You obey the speed limit at all times (80%)

You still believe that one about white-bordered stop signs being optional (85%)

It takes you longer to get in or out of your car than it does for me to complete my entire grocery shopping trip (90%)

You’ve ever helped your kid pretend he’s a helicopter gunner by driving home with the sliding minivan doors open. (It amazes me that my parents have neither one ever received a ticket) (95%)

You’ve ever driven to the store and back without releasing the parking brake (97%). Or even realizing it until someone pointed it out (98%)

You think the traffic light color code is:
red - stop
green - get ready
yellow - okay, now go. (100%)

15

Yaddayaddayadda if…

your car sits 3 inches off the ground and you have extended axles and fat tires (99%)
It’s a 4X4 (100%)

You have a “Fuckengruven” bumper sticker (80% bad driver, 100% dumbass)

“If you don’t like my driving, call 1-800-EAT-SHIT” (100%)

You learned to drive in the South (80%)

You’re in front of me, behind me, or riding the white line next to me (99%)

16

Oh, and (+20%) if you drive a vehicle that is taller than you are.

This is fun.

17

You might be a bad driver if…

You let your toddler climb around in the car while you’re driving. (100% bad driver and bad parent)

You turn around to talk to a child or adult sitting in the backseat. (85%)

You slow down anytime you see that a cop has someone pulled over. (80%)

You slow down to check out an accident hoping you can catch a glimpse of a dead body. (90%)

You’re too fu**ing old to be driving but you insist on driving 40 mph on a 70 mph highway, weaving in and out of lanes, you’re stupid head barely over the steering wheel, and you’re damn turn signal on. (155%)

You a 92 year old man with a restricted license (daytime only but you still can’t see shit) and you pull out on the highway right in front of my fu**ing car that is going 55 mph causing me to slam on my brakes and leave 65 feet of skid marks and slam into your dumbass. (500%)

I’ll post more later… I may have to go to the pit!

18

…you fall asleep at the wheel (99.9%)

…it takes a pinging sound to wake you (99.99%)

…the pinging are the foot high reflector posts at roadside. You’re running them over , HARRY! (100%)

19

If the following scenario applies to you… (90%)

  • You have a deathly fear of doing more than 60 in a 70 zone.
  • You have a deathly fear of doing more than 50 in a 60 zone.
  • You have a deathly fear of doing more than 40 in a 50 zone.
  • Despite the above, you proceed to do 70 in a 40 zone, because you feel the speed limit posted was way too low.
    It surprises you that “Turning Signals” are no longer an optional feature on automobiles. (99.9%)
20

You explain the fact that you rear-ended someone at 15 MPH by “the brakes failed” (100%)

You think the New England maneuver of switching across three lanes just before your exit is a universally accepted tactic (85%)

The space between the floor of the car and the ground is less than the space between the tops of your boots and the ground (95%)

Your wife offers driving-instructor style criticisms on various points (70%, she may just be irritable or uptight)

I just want to add that I really dig your handle, Bumbazine. Good to see another Walt Kelly fan on the boards.