You’re driving below the speed limit (50%)
…in the left lane (75%)
…with a phone in your right hand (87.5%)
…and a cigarette in your left hand (93.75%)
…while flicking ashes out of the window (96.875%)
You wear glasses (50%)
…and a hat (75%)
…with ear flaps (87.5%)
…worn in the down position (93.75%)
…and tied under the chin. (96.875%)
You’re holding something (75%)
…a book (87.5%)
…the owner’s manual (93.75%)
…and it’s upside down. (96.875%)
You have a large hairdo (75%)
…dyed a non-natural color (87.5%)
…a primary color (93.75%)
…blue. (96.875%)
You’re grooming yourself (75%)
…shaving (87.5%)
…your legs (93.75%)
…with a straight razor (96.875%)
You’re drinking a beverage (75%)
…and it’s coffee (87.5%)
…well, Irish coffee (93.75%)
…without the actual coffee. (96.875%)
You have children in the back seat (75%)
…more than 2 cildren (87.5%)
…and they’re hitting each other (93.75%)
…and you have one arm hooked over the back of the seat, trying to grab one of them. (96.875%)
You’ve had sex in the last 60 minutes (75%)
…in the car (87.5%)
…while driving (93.75%)
…and you’re not done yet. (96.875%)
You have a gun in the car (75%)
…in the front seat (87.5%)
…mounted on the dashboard (93.75%)
…and hooked up to your radar detector. (96.875%)
You’ve been driving all night (75%)
…and used pills to stay awake (87.5%)
…and have a painfully full bladder (93.75%)
…because of all the tequilla you used to wash the pills down. (96.875%)
You might be a bad driver (in Los Angeles) if…
-
You have a “handicap parking” dangly thingy hanging from your rear view mirror. I see that, I stay away.
-
You are a Mexican gardener with a truck load of lawn mowers and leaf blowers in the back.
-
You drive a SUV… while talking on a cell phone… with kids… and trying to drink your Starbucks.
-
You are a cab driver (might be the worst drivers in the world).
-
You drive a really old, dirty van with tons of black exhaust pouring out of it.
-
You’re a guy who looking for an address and doesn’t bother looking it up in a Thomas Guide or planning your drive out in advance.
-
You are rich and drive a BMW, Mercedes, Lexus or any nice car.
Which also brings me to the “right of way” rule in LA, which goes like this: Whoever has the nicer car, has the right of way.
…come to think of it, if you drive in LA and you use your cell phone (especially with those new obnoxious head-set things) and are only concerned about you and your precious, precious conversation with your on-line broker about which stocks to buy or sell, not only are you a bad, bad driver, but you’re also shallow & materialistic!
You might be a bad driver if…
…your glasses are thicker than your windshield…
…but you wouldn’t know it because all you see is the dash
…you have bad hearing…
…and therefore don’t hear your turn signal…
…which is always on for a ‘left’…
…because you keep hitting the damn thing 'cuz your arms are weak to hold up…
…which is the same damn reason why you turn at two miles per hour…
…because it’s hard to turn that big-ass Lincoln towncar wheel
…your rearview mirror is used for cosmetic purposes
…you can change your clothes in the span of a red light
…you can change your pants while driving a stick
…you have a ‘I brake for ____’ bumper sticker
…you have lights and/or sirens attached to your vehicle
…‘garbage can bumper bowling’ is a sport…
…that you started a league for…
…and you’re winning the race for the trophy
…you’ve seen David Carradine in a non-kung-fu movie…
…and you liked it
punk snot dead,
broccoli!
And I must add…
YMBABDI…
- If you take your sweet, sweet time making LEFT HAND TURNS (with or without the little green turn arrow). It’s cool man, as long as YOU get through the intersection. Don’t worry about the rest of us. The 5 cars behind you who didn’t have the luxury of being first in the turn lane. When the light turns green, you take your time. No, no, don’t rush. The green turn arrow is for you and you alone. You can start your turn whenever you like - as soon as it turns green or you can wait a few seconds until your ready to go.
And someone else metioned earlier…
- When, at a red light, some guy behind you honks the nano-second the light turns green! Of course, the guy is probably in a BMW or Mercedes or something.
And about the cell phone thing, I think not only should people not use cell phones when they drive, but people shouldn’t be eating or drinking either. Look, when you’re driving, you should be DRIVING. Not eating, not drinking, not reading, not changing clothes, not putting on make-up, not fixing your hair, looking for things - you should be PAYING ATTENTION. Your car is not your house, apartment or your office. One little distraction and you’ve just killed 10 people. I’m sorry if you’re late to your meeting or picking up your kids, but life will go on if your a little late. Why don’t you try waking up a little earlier or planning things out a little better and giving yourself extra time. This way, you can take your time and drive carefully.
You might be a bad driver if:
…You use your Volkswagen Jetta as a construction vehicle (50%)
…And load it with 3000 lb of construction supplies (80%)
…Including ten 80 lb. bags of sack-crete (85%)
…And a four-foot high stack of lumber (90%)
…Which is tied down with string (98%)
…And get pictures of the resulting fiasco posted all over the Internet. (Approaching certainty)
You might be a bad driver if:
Your bald or shaven head just pokes above the side window ledge 'cause you’re so far laid back and cool. (20%)
You pull up to the stop sign from the Walmart parking lot to enter the highway, where people like me are blazing along at 60 in a 45 zone, stare at me from under your gray hair as I approach and at the last possible second, pull out. Usually when I’m, like, 20 feet from you, forcing me to stand on my brakes, lay 40 feet of expensive rubber and accelerate everything from the back seat into that little space under the glove box. Then you putter off at 30 mph, hunched over the steering wheel. (40%)
You try to enter traffic from a parking lot, creeping over the ramp because your %&#$!! low rider keeps grounding out, forcing me and 26 others to break to a crawl while you sit and look ‘rappa cool’ in your lowered buckets. (20%)
Ear glued to the cell phone, papers on steering wheel, driving a top heavy, monstrous, gleamingly polished SUV at 10 below the limit! (10%)
Driving an old bucket, usually a Ford or Chevy, 90% body work in progress, sporting new wide wheels, sounding far too loud to have the original engine and you keep goosing it now and then to let everyone know how tough you are and spouting clouds of blue smoke out of the tail pipe each time. (10%)