You might be a bad driver if…
You’re a woman 
j/k
Seriously though…
You might be a bad driver if…
You’re in the right lane of a two lane service road (0%)…
And I’m in the left lane almost next to you (0%)…
Then you realize you have to get on that entrance ramp (50%)…
You move over without using your signals (75%)…
Then you almost hit me before you realize you can’t make it, giving me the finger because you think it’s my fault you couldn’t make it (1000%)
…you are driving farm equipment on a two-lane - 70%
…your seat belt is hanging out the door - 70%
…you use the cops’ median turnabouts - 65%
…you use the emergency lane - 75%
…you NEVER use the turning lane, especially not for turns - 85%
…you consider speed bumps launching ramps - 75%
…there are skid marks in your driveway - 87.5394525% (rounded)
…you are from the South and it’s snowing - 80%
…you are from California and it’s raining - 90%
…you drive with a foot out of the window - 95%
…with a stick shift - 100%
I have a cell phone. I also have a subwoofer in my car. I’ve talked on my cell phone while driving, and when I’m not on a cell phone, I usually have my system cranked up. But you know what? Everybody I know says I’m a great driver. I’m by no means trying to start up some kind of a for/against cell phone argument, but I just don’t think that everybody should say that cell phones on the road is something that the Devil hand-crafted. I’ll definitely agree that there are plenty, plenty of idiots out there who focus on the conversation 100%, but it is possible to use phones on the road responsibly.
You might be a bad driver if your bass speaker sets off nearby parked car alarms.
You might be a bad driver if:
You believe all bicycles are one foot wide…
You consider four inches perfectly acceptable clearance between your fender and a cyclist’s knee…
You assume a cyclist waiting at a stop sign is eager to have you pull alongside, so he can look at your truck instead of oncoming traffic, and for a chance to smell your exhaust…
And finally…
If you have a vision impairment that prevents you from seeing two-wheeled vehicles…
WindUp
YMBABDI…
You come to a complete stop at the end of a highway onramp to look for oncoming traffic. (100%)
I almost creamed one of those today. What is it about advanced age that removes the ability to merge?
You ARE a bad driver if…
[ul]
[li]you recognize yourself on in people’s posts and feel like you need to explain (98%)[/li]
[li]you are the center of the universe, and you feel that driving at 10 mph down a 40 mph road, looking at street numbers, and randomly starting and stopping, is your right and privelege (100%)[/li]
[li]you merge on the freeway and work your way all the way left and then just sit there, doing a bit less than the speed limit, because, gol darn, you pay taxes and it’s your road too (99%)[/li]
[li]you do the above and then honk and tailgate anyone with the temerity to go around you (100%)[/li]
[li]you brake BEFORE entering a quarter-mile-long, empty off-ramp which heads off of the freeway at a wild 2% angle. Yeah, buddy, you’ll never pull that car down from 50 mph to zero in that short a distance (100%)[/li]
[li]you stop for a light which is still amber for a decent amount of time when your vehicle lurches to a stop (94%)[/li]
[li]you pull right up behind someone who is parallel parking, blocking the space for them (100%)[/li]
[li]you scoot right up to the car in front to prevent anyone from merging onto the freeway (in the proper one-car-forward, one-car-on progression) in stop-and-go jams. So, exactly how much closer to your destination are you? (92%)[/li]
[li]you have to adjust your face in the rearview mirror while driving. C’mon, get over yourself already (100%)[/li]
[li]you feel the need to tell me what your religion is on the back of your car (666%)[/li]
[li]you feel the need to tell me where precious Britney or Caldwell is getting drunk off their rocker every night, preparing themselves for the long journey to the middle–oops, sorry, where they’re going to “college” (71%)[/li]
[li]you decide to balance your checkbook or find the Long Lost French Fry or whatever it is that you’re doing at stop lights where you completely disappear from view, and then look surprised that someone is honking at you for sitting at a green light (102%)[/li]
[li]you realize that you should be turning left instead of right (or vice versa) and rather than going around the block, you stop in the center lane next to all of the cars in the left lane and turn on your signal, blocking traffic (764%)[/li]
[li]you have a stick-on-the-windshield note pad (3,457%)[/li]
[li]you fail to notice emergency vehicles, or because they’re coming towards you you think that you don’t have to move over and stop (3,127,871%)[/li][/ul]
(Whew.
Fortunately, I work from home and don’t have to drive if I don’t want to. I quit one job a few years ago and accepted $15K a year less just to get out of a one-hour-each-way commute.)
In Europe, you might be a bad driver if:
… you drive one of the following cars:
Volkswagen Golf GTI/G60/VR6/TDI (90%)
Ford Escort XR3i or RS Cosworth (‘a Cozzer’ - 95%)
Any Mercedes (100% - your stupid little star is not impressing me, you idiot. Get it out of my exhaust straightaway!)
Most BMW’s, expecially the older ones (90%)
Obviously common BMW’s with “M” stickers on them (100% - for Mercedes equivalents, apply Brabus or AMG)
Opel Astra, Vectra, or Omega. Come to think of it, ANY Opel (100% - insert “Vauxhall” here when you’re a Limey)
Opel Manta or Calibra (200%)
Volvo 850 Station. Indicators? Left them in Göteborg. (85%)
… you just HAVE to pass that truck doing 80 km/h JUST when I’m about to pass you and the truck at 140 km/h. The road behind me is clear for 2 kilometers, and you just HAVE to pass the damn truck NOW, causing me to burn a few brake discs, and causing me to lose my vocal cords out of sheer terror.
… you brake at the first sight of yellow. (50%)
… and there’s only 5 meters between you and the light. (55%)
… when there’s a car behind you - which you of course never saw. Who needs mirrors? (60%)
… and it is raining. (70%)
… and it is 8:30, morning rush hour. (80%)
… in AMSTERDAM, not Hick City. (90%)
… you fail to realise that not all cars have ABS. (100%)
(I know, of course I was legally wrong. But I wasn’t tailgating even, I just could NEVER stop in that short a distance, not without ABS anyway. Thanks for doubling my insurance, you dumb bitch. Sorry.)
Hey, Clogboy, I drive a BMW! What are you trying to say?
Actually, I know I’m a horrid driver, that’s why I don’t do it much. I just get so distracted when I drive.
Hmmmm…do you think I’m the only person in the world willing to admit in public that they are a bad driver?
Yes, TT, but we admire your honesty.
I actually saw someone doing this…
This guy ahead of me ducked whenever a car passed by in the oncoming lane, he was no higher than the steering wheel and wearing a baseball cap too.
Scary.
you merge from the ramp onto the freeway before the person in front of you merges (50%)
…and immediately pass him (90%)
…in the right lane (98%)
you merge from the ramp directly into the far lane because you’re going to take that left-hand exit 5 miles ahead (96%)
you don’t know that turning right on red is legal everywhere (except NYC) (60%)
you don’t bother checking for “no turn on red” signs before turning right on red (75%)
you drive in the rain, snow, or fog without headlights because after all you can see your own car (80%)
you bend over while driving (80%)
…and don’t know you’re running a red light (95%)
…and pull your face up just as you arrive behind the cars who have turned onto your lane from the intersection, and you slam on your brakes and beep like crazy at them because they’re all only going half the speed you are (98%)
…you pull out onto the freeway doing EXACTLY the speed limit, regardless of how fast the traffic already on the freeway are going.
…right in front of someone doing the same speed as everybody on the freeway (faster than you) forcing them to slam on their brakes to keep from riding right over you.
…you brake, hard, down to the posted speed limit on the ramp (35!!) while still in the right hand lane of the freeway.
…you didn’t signal that you were going to take this exit in the first place.
…the poor schmuck (me!) still stuck driving behind you at 15 miles per hour less than the rest of the traffic and needs to get off at this exit, also, almost creams into you AGAIN!!!
All of which happened to me last night. :rolleyes:
When I finally was able to pass this person, she was draped over her steering wheel, totally relaxed and oblivious to how close she had come twice to a serious accident. (Bad Grammar!! Sit! Stay!) 
…your car says “Brandi’s Toy” in huge letters on the rear window.
…“Brandi’s Toy” is a 12 year old Nissan with peeling window tint
…you drive all the way up to the front of an empty right-turn-only lane so you can cut into the half-mile-long straight-only lane
…you’re attempting this while driving a 54 foot long tractor trailer
…you’re the guy who lets this asshole in, thereby making the rest of us wait longer and encouraging his idiocy
I love the a-hole who has to pedal what he’s driving. It isn’t out of necessity, he’s wearing that special uniform, you know: the helmet, the spandex, the Gargoyles, and he always decides to do his freaking bicycling during either the morning rush hour or the evening rush hour. The best part is he chooses the routes that are the most congested, and on top of that it is always a road with absolutely no shoulder, so an entire line of cars full of people either late for work or tired after working all day have to wait until there is room to get in the other lane to pass said a-hole. Why don’t these bicycling freaks wait until after rush hour?
when you do the Saudi sweep, making a right turn from the left lane or a left turn from the right…across 3 lanes of traffic.
when the smallest amount of rain causes 50 accedents within a mile.
when you ride the “Allah lane” with a suburban, that patch between the median and the left lane, barly wide enuf for a compact car.
jump on the horn, not when your likgt turns green, but when the cross light goes yellow.
I have seen all of this in Riyadh KSA.
You may be a bad driver if…
…your head is barely visible behind the wheel…(30%)
…because you’re older than dirt(90%)
…because you have the driver’s seat reclined “full gangsta style”(85%)
…because you come from a country where there is inadequate protein in the average diet, and therefore are unusually short(95%)
…the headliner of your '80’s vintage GM car hangs down loosely in the rear window, flapping in the breeze as you drive along(80%)
…your miswired your backup lights so they come on whenever you hit the brakes(99%)
…you drive around at dusk with only your fog or driving lights on and your headlights off(99%)
…you have smoke-tinted covers on your headlights…(60%)
…and you don’t remove them at night(95%)
…you’re a clueless old geezer, don’t understand what daytime running lights are, and therefore turn your bright headlights on your old car on because “everyone else has their’s on”(98%)
…your installed those “phat-lookin’” blue-tinted headlight bulbs that make your headlights look blue-green so your cheap import will look like it has those “dope” HID xenon lights on Mercedes-Benzes which actually look sort of purple…(88%)
…you date one of those guys because those bulbs actually fooled you(98%)
…you have a “Bad Boy Club” sticker on your car(98%)
…you’re driving a full-sized conversion van…(30%)
…to tote the kids to school…(80%)
…to commute solo to work…(85%)
…and you can’t understand why everyone wants to pass you(98%)
…on the highway, you wait until your lane has nearly ended to merge over…(80%)
…or, you won’t let him in, even though you can…(95%)
…you merge in extra early on surface streets, before a stoplight and get pissed and “retaliate” against those who don’t(99%) (duh, the whole purpose of extending the lane past the stoplight is so more cars can get through the stoplight, you nitwit)
…you move unnecessarily slowly enough when the left arrow turns on to keep half the cars in the turn lane from getting through, but quicly enough so that you yourself get through(96%)
…you drive a Saturn(80%)
…you drive an SUV(99%)
(gosh, I can’t wait for that new Saturn SUV to hit the road)
…you ride one of those “crotch rocket” motorcycles(40%)
…and you never wear a helmet(60%)
…and you wear those mirrored one-piece sunglasses(70%)
…and your idea of protective motorcycle clothing is to wear bicycle shorts and a muscle t-shirt(90%)
…andyou have your almost identically clad (substitute a halter top for the t-shirt) on the back(99%)
…you drive a Chrysler convertible…(35%)
…and you are a woman…(45%)
…and are a bottle blonde with reeaaally long polished fingernails…(55%)
…you rarely take the top down…(65%)
…you smoke…(75%)
…and are a middle-aged divorcee…(85%)
…you think any of the preceeding generalizations is “unfair” and “not funny”(85%)
You might be a bad driver if…
you decide that it would be better to slow down and wait for someone to let you in while driving in the merge lane off of an offramp.
even though you know well in advance that your lane will soon be ending, you feel the need to stay in it until the last minute, and THEN almost hit me in order to make me let you in!
you are driving through Pennsylvania after having been in an accident with plastic and duct tape covering the gaping hole where the passenger side door should be with “I’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania” written on it. (my grandpa)
Correction:
A line in my previous post should read:
…and you have your almost identically clad (substitute a halter top for the t-shirt) girlfriend on the back(99%)
Also, below the line:
…you drive an SUV(99%)
I meant to add:
…you drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee(99.99%)
IMHO, GC drivers are the absolute worst of the SUV drivers. And the most smug.
When I was 17, my parents let me take the van to Ft. Lauderdale for spring break. Now that I am a parent myself, I can only ponder “What WERE they thinking?”
Anyway, that was back when Alligator Alley (the main long E-W road across southern Fl) was 2 lane and rather exciting, with the deep canals close on either side and occasional reptilian speed bumps and such.
My two friends and I slid the side door open and whooped it up allthe way through the everglades at 80mph. Following a dynamite truck the whole way. Seemed like a perfect setup for a Tom Clancy plot, but we survived the trip with no major damage.
Again, What WERE they thinking?