My mother’s side has never been very “busty”. But on my father’s side, all the females have ample bosoms. One of my favorite come-backs is:
Guy: “Nice tits”
Me: “Thanks, I get 'em from my Dad.”
2. At a wearhouse rave (or outlaw), hundreds of people are jam packed into this wearhouse, sound system blasting, lights going crazy, everyone’s going bonkers… suddenly the cops enter the building… the music stops, someone gives the signal and everyone starts hushing the crowd and telling them to be quiet and don’t move while the cops walk in and look around…
I’m very confused, so I whisper to someone “Are we pretending not to be here?”
3. Another thing I’ve been fond of is saying child-like things in a very adult party setting… such as a drunkard knocking over some house plant, I always yell “This is why we can’t have nice things!”
But my best social fix is when someone bumps into me in a crowd accidentally. There’s a real awkward moment, as they turn around to apologize. I make my hand in the shape of a phone and put it to my face and mouth to them “call me!” they laugh, and the situation is diffused.
I was on a phone conference a few months ago, doing a routine ‘whose-fault-was-the computer-crash’ analysis (it was the GD department’s fault), when the boss got a bit upset, and exclaimed loudly ‘Don’t blame it on GD!’.
A voice in the background (not sure exactly who, but I have my suspicions) piped up with:
‘Don’t blame it on moonlight’.
If I’d been on my toes, I should have followed up with ‘Good Times’. Chance of a lifetime, etc…
Many years ago, I was in the kitchen with my cousin and her boyfriend. He was loud and somewhat obnoxious, but still likeable. It was always fun to watch them interact because they were both very sarcastic people. They were semi-arguing about some ingredient in what she was cooking, and he finally hollered, “Are you fucking nuts!?”
I said, “No, but she’s fucking you, and that’s close enough.”
Even my grandmother in the living room cracked up.
Watching Branagh’s Much Ado About Nothing with the wife. We’re about 2/3 of the way through it and people are running around, hiding in closets and fainting and challenging people to duels…
Wife: They sure are making a lot of fuss about stuff that doesn’t really matter…
Me: That’s the title of the play…
I was a witness in a law school mock trial. I was playing an expert in materials analysis, called as a witness by the plaintiff, who was trying to prove that the particular kind of fiberglass used in the construction of boats was very dangerous for workers in the shipyard. Defense counsel had me discuss various risks associated with different materials and finally sarcastically asked, “So I suppose water can be hazardous, too?” I shot back, “If you’re 30 feet under, sure!”
This wasn’t mine but I served the setup.
Twenty years ago a buddy of mine was a cop in rural Northern California. He was down visiting and we were at a party. He was telling us how he had been in a half a million dollar drug bust.
I asked (genuinely wanted to know) “How do you know the drugs were worth a half a million?”
Another friend immediately shot back
“Simple. They sell half and multiply by two”
After 30-odd years as a musician and performer, I’ve had a few of these moments, but this is my favorite. It takes a bit of set-up…
I was at a large traditional-music-and-dance camp some years ago. At dinner the first night the hall was alive with excitement and merriment with about 200 staff and participants. After dinner was announcement time. A friend of mine asked me to make an announcement for her, since she knew I was comfortable addressing crowds. She wanted a ride into town to get ingredients for some killer chocolate chip cookies she was going to make for everybody.
When my turn came, I asked the assembled masses was anybody driving into town that could take a passenger? My friend called out “Tell them what for!” Without missing a beat I put on my best angry dad face and said sternly to the crowd, “Now you listen here! I’ve had just about enough!”
Here’s another from Battle Pope’s “My grandmother was a funny woman” thread, courtesy of astorian (much thanks). Forgot to thank Battle Pope for use of his posting earlier, Mea Culpa.
And thanks to everyone who contributed–every posting was a gem, really good stuff. Wish I could make a poll of all of them and see which turns out to be the favorite (I have a fave, but I’ll never tell ).
Not quite as "pun"ny or movie/TV-referenced as most of these, but still memorable…
My good friend (with quick repartee) back in HS happened to sit directly behind me in 12th grade English, and was very good at trying to make me laugh/get me in hot water. One day, our pompous teacher was going on about Shakespeare, and right on queue, upon the teacher’s first mention of “King Lear”, my buddy whispers “King Rear!” and rips a LOUD one from his nether regions.
At my workplace, everyone’s pretty friendly but we tend to give each other a lot of harmless crap. One morning, me and the other guys on third shift were cleaning up on the work floor and basically running out the clock until the first shift guys came in. When a few of the first shift guys came down the ramp from the office, one of the third shift guys called out, “Well, here comes the little (NSFW insult) now*”. At that point, the first shift guys disappeared behind some equipment on their way down, but I could still see one of them giving us the finger.
At that point, I don’t know why I felt the urge to say this, but I yelled across the floor in my best Walter Sobczak voice, “And a good day to you sir!**”
AFAIK, nobody at my workplace actually is a (NSFW insult). Even if anyone was, we’re too loose a crowd to raise a stink about it.
** Yes, I know that in the movie, Walter says that to a guy in a coma and not a guy giving him the finger. Somehow, in that situation, being greeted in the morning with that particular gesture, it just felt right.
Back in the 70s I learned to drink from a bota bag and I was in the SCA - there I was drinking wine from the bota bag held out at arm’s length when one guy said “Look! that animal is pissing into the man’s mouth” - I blew red wine all over the place.
“Uh, excuse me, we’re out hunting for boxes. Can we take these?”
“What the fuck do I look like, the game warden? I don’t know if they’re in season, if there’s a limit, if you need a stamp or a tag or license.”
I guess I don’t get it. Is there some reason it’s perfectly acceptable for a crowd of people to be standing around in silence in a warehouse, but if they’re dancing, they’re getting arrested?
Back when I was in college, some guys in my dorm were hanging out and playing poker or something. Someone said “Jesus!” as an expletive for how bad his hand was, and someone else spoke up, “Yes?” Yeah, old joke.
However, it went around a couple times. Then someone slipped in a different expletive: “Penis!” Someone else spoke up, “Yes?” Poor guy carried the nickname “Penis” for the rest of the year. (I don’t know if it stuck longer, I no longer saw that group of people.)
).