@racer72 doesn’t make it five minutes with the kidnapper before he gets thrown out of the car, at speed. 
It’s the ‘of course’ which set you free. Good job, WE!
Mine wouldn’t be 30 min, because of these words: “Can I interest you in a fantastic career with Amway?”
Tripler
'Nuff said.
It seems to me that you feel disturbed. Do you feel you’re lacking enlightenment and purpose in life? The Universe has brought us together for a reason. I am a wielder of the light that fights the darkness, a most honored handmaiden of the Prophet Guru Constealsyurmoni.
OUCH…You seem to be sweating a lot. You ate eggs in the past month, didn’t you? I’ll bet your wondering how I know this. I have received much wisdom from our Divine Prophet Guru who has a direct line to the God at the End of the Universe.
Eggs flip the polarity of your adrenal gland and cloud your fourth eye, the one in the back of your pants. They are toxins pushed on you by a world that is trying to suppress the truth and deny you the received wisdom of our Divine Prophet Guru.
OUCH…I can tell you’re upset because your just found out your adrenals are depolarized and you don’t think it can be reversed. But our Divine Prophet Guru has the divine answer, a proprietary enema of coffee, bath salts and dried weasel spoor that has been ionized by the sacred energies of the God at the End of Universe. I have a bag of it back at my apartment if you want to turn around.
OUCH…It’s not a trap. I can tell you’re upset because you think I’m judging you, you are scared that I may tell you that you are not worthy of our received wisdom because of your line of work. Please don’t fear this. Did you know our Divine Prophet Guru Constealsyurmoni was serving a 10 year federal prison sentence for wire fraud when he began to have the visions that formed his divine connections to the God at the End of the Universe? I don’t want to escape from you, I’m grateful for this unique opportunity. It takes time to teach someone to appreciate the received wisdom of our Prophet Guru and I don’t want to leave you until you’ve accepted the truth.
OUCH…you don’t want to hide out in this cheap motel, look at all those black SUV’s with government plates parked next door, I think it’s trap. I have a place we can use as a hideout. Our Divine Prophet Guru has a victory camp in an isolated location upstate. Let me drive and we can have as much time together as it takes for you to learn to appreciate the divine wisdom of the Divine Prophet Guru.
OUCH…Where are you going…come back…the Divine Prophet Guru and the God at the End of the Universe love you!
Regardless of what the kidnapper talks about, I interrupt with “No, that’s not quite correct. Let me get on a computer and do a search on Google.” Soon I produce a five-page paper complete with footnotes showing the problems with what he had said. Then I say, “You really need to know more about this if you’re going to be talking about it. I’ve ordered several books on the subject to be delivered to you by tomorrow morning. You should be able to read them all in a week. Then we can talk about the subject again in a lot more detail. I’ll see if you understand this issue better then.”
"Hey, what’s that rattling sound? THAT rattling sound! It’s coming from one of the tires under the hood! Or maybe the steering’s got a problem. What d’ya mean, you don’t hear anything? You better stop and check it; if you keep going at this speed and the ball joint goes, we’re in for a world of hurt! Watch where you’re going! You almost hit that squirrel! Is that the serpentine belt? That whizzing sound! Don’t you guys do ANY maintenance on this car? What? You STOLE it? What if the cops stop us? I don’t wanna be caught in the middle of a firefight! My wife told me once that if I ever get kidnapped, she ain’t paying one red cent for… .
Word for word reddit OP with 40,000 replies:
Extra weird you and TriPolar went the same route. For a few seconds I thought you forgot and did a weird double-post.
What’s weird is that @Trinopus didn’t jump in with the same idea.
This thread immediately reminded me of this somewhat related scene from Reno 911:
You know, I reckon half the posts in this thread are the result of the poster creating a character and, through that character, creating a monologue that might end a kidnap attempt.
The other half consists of posters simply writing down the conversations which have been driving their nearest and dearest to distraction for years.
I refuse to say which group I’m in. But I’m still pissed off at The Jolly Farmers at Buckland being renamed The Pheasant.
j
"I see you are all wearing masks. But it’s illegal to force me to wear one, I understand my Constitutional rights and look I have this exemption card because I have a Medical Condition, and if you do your research you’ll see it’s no worse than the flu, do you trust Bill Gates I hear there are human embryos and microchips… "
Great minds think alike.
Tripler
One of the great minds in the hive.
. . . there’s this place online called the Straight Dope Message Board. Let me tell you about what goes on there. There are a lot of unique characters there. I could tell you some stories. . . and I will. Do you know what internet drama is? You’re going to love this.
. . . . . Can you believe that happened? And that’s not all. . . .
You know, when it comes to bees, there’s a lot of misconceptions… People generally think that the queen is in charge of the hive, but in reality the rest of the bees can and will just create a new queen and kill the old one, and they actually seem to come to a collective decision on many other things, like when they’re going to swarm and where the new swarm will head to; we really don’t understand half of inter-hive dynamics yet, and they communicate in lots of different ways…
Just about anything will work if you can sound like Gilbert Gottfried.
A lot of Warhammer 40k players think the Imperium of Man are the good guys. But let me tell you why they’re actually the bad guys and why humanity would be better served by joining the Tau Empire…
You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me R.J…
You know who I love? Karl von Frisch. He had tremendous insights into the patterns and functions of “bee dances.” Since my hands are tied, I can’t diagram one for you, but if you ooch up my shirt in the back, you’ll see my tattoo illustrating the “waggle dance.”
Have you heard the good news about (pick one):
Jesus?
Jehovah?
The Book of Mormon?
Scientology?
Krishna?