I’ll bet you never heard of the Mandela effect. Do you remember Stouffer’s StoveTop Stuffing? How about the dogs playing poker?..
@needscoffee: Cary Grant says, “Get out!”
'… really, you didn’t agree on the ransom before you kidnapped me? What sort of shit amateur hour is this, guys? I mean, this should have been agreed to before you even LEFT to grab me! You should have had that envelope ready, glued fingers already dried, so that…
'… wait. You guys did remember to glue your fingertips, right? I ask because I don’t see any gloves and y’all were touching fucking everything in my house. Jesus F-in Christ, guys, let me guess, we’re using one of your personal cars in this as well, right?
‘… Holy shit. Dudes, you shoulda paid me a consulting fee before you kidnapped my ass, cause y’all are fucked. Fucked. But, according to the GPS instructions, we’re just a couple of blocks away from The Cock Inn and I’ll buy you both a pint, no harm done. I needed the ride anyway, and I’m meeting my buddy Treppenwitz there…’
This is another likely scenario:
18 MINUTES IN:
‘You can’t do anything to me! I’m an American!’
‘Oh, yeah?’
… bullet-riddled body dumped in gutter 26 minutes after being kidnapped.
I would probably talk incessantly about Stockholm syndrome and my hopes that it works both ways.
psst! He’s talking about this thread…
… which is the first thing I thought of, too!
My first reaction was “Oh, that’d be easy! I’d be out in 20 minutes.” There are so many pedantic or trivial or just annoyingly ponderous Doper threads, that I’d just start telling about those poker dogs and how South America’s been moved, or about this other guy’s Animal Religion theories and how he types them up and mails them to smarty-pants scientists, or maybe I’d just reenact I Burning Your Dog!!! Then they’d let me go before I went all insanely homicidal on their ass.
I’m thinking of the fighter ace James McGovern Jr, aka Earthquake McGoon due to his resemblance to the L’il Abner character (plus their surnames sharing the first four letters). He was captured by Chinese Communist guerrillas way back when and reportedly raised so much nonstop hell with them that they just let him go after a few months, glad to be rid of him. Lucky they didn’t just shoot him. The story is recounted in Christopher Robbins’ excellent The Ravens: The Men Who Flew in America’s Secret War in Laos. (This was before the Air America era, but Robbins details some of their legendary precursors including McGovern.)
“Who just gives away wood?”
If my eyes are uncovered, I will read, out loud, every single shop and road sign. Every one of them. And probably find something to say about them.
My parents still talk about driving to Wall Drug.
I got this from my grandfather, who had the nickname Gabby. He called me little Gabby.
Get a soda . . . Get a root beer . . . turn next corner . . . Just as near . . . To Highway 16 & 14. . . Free Ice Water. . . Wall Drug.
Keep well / To the right / Of the oncoming car / Get your close shaves / From the half pound jar / Burma-Shave
Does anyone else remember “The Ransom of the Red Chief”, the famous O. Henry story about the boy whose kidnapers paid the parents to take him back.
Do you watch Supernatural? So, let me explain. See, Sam and Dean are brothers but people like both characters so they ship them - do you know what shipping is? - No? Well, it’s when you like the characters and put them together in a sexual relationship, mostly in fan fiction. Do you you know what fanfiction is? It’s stories written about characters. Anyhow, so the Sam and Dean fans call the relationship Wincest, since their last name is Winchester. Others think Dean and the angel Castiel were hitting the sheets so they call that Destiel. And that’s only the beginning… Do you want me to go on- owww!
Anyhow, I don’t do shipping, so I read case files, which are fanfictions that don’t have relationships. There are some really good crossovers which are when characters from other series or books or movies show up and - hey!
gets pushed out
“Have you ever considered that we do elections all wrong in this country?”
Call me Ishmael.
Some years ago - never mind how long precisely…
Are you single? I’m so so single. The last guy I went out with told me he was single but he had a girlfriend but said he was still technically single since he wasn’t married, so are you single single? I only date guys that are single single, I’m not desperate .Do I look like I need to steal a boyfriend to get a date?What’s with these McDonalds wrappers in your car? You aren’t taking me to McDonalds, are you.?My last date took me to McDonalds and he was so cheap he made me order from the the dollar menu and only let me have one thing. If you take me to McDonalds I want to order from the big menu, and I want a Quarter Pounder, don’t try to tell me the McDouble is the same thing it’s not I’m not going to date a guy that can’t afford to buy me a Quarter Pounder, how much money do you make anyway the last guy I had a date with told me he made lots of money but I never saw any of it, ha ha ha, maybe I need to start asking my dates for their bank statements, can I see yours, just kidding, you are kind of cute but I bet you’re bald under that baseball cap, right , all the bald guys wear baseball caps , how do you feel about hair plugs I can’t marry a bald guy my sister would never let me hear the end of it oh I’m I scaring you by talking marriage on our first date I know I shouldn’t but I’m not getting any younger ha ha ha anyway I think I’m feeling a love connection with you and I’m sure you feel it too do you want children? Do you like the name Joshua for our first? I always wanted my first kid to be named Joshua…don’t look scared, silly, only if he’s a boy I’d never name our girl Joshua this is so great I’ve never had a date that lasted this long can we go meet my parents?
“Well, at least I don’t have to worry about thrips on my plants for awhile. You know about thrips, tiny tiny bugs that distort foliage and cause buds to shrivel? I’ve tried everything. You know, Neem, Monterey Oil, pyrethrum, malathion, biological controls, horticultural oil, soap sprays, just about everything but the thrips keep coming back and crawling crawling over everything. I’ve treated every week, twice a week, spot spraying and nothing eradicates the thrips. What do you think I should try?”
(dumps victim at the curb, speeds away)
FML, that was my last Tinder date. No wonder I ditched it.
You guys ever eat at Sonny’s BBQ? You won’t believe the size of the bowl of baked beans I just had for lunch an hour ago… excuse me, sorry about that. You better crack a window. Now, where… oh, hell; fast acting, eh? I had some broccoli, too. Whoa, that’s foul… .
This is such a great thread - so many really funny posts - but I just have to say that “I’ve never had a date that lasted this long” at the end of Ann’s epic stream-of-consciousness prattle is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.
@JohnT thank you for starting this thread, and I’m so sorry you had to live through a version of Ann’s story in real life. At least we have some evidence that her answer to the question would work if she was actually kidnapped.
Why, did it turn out the guy wasn’t single?