Gosh, sounds like a pretty viable little band we have goin’ here. I nominate **silenus ** as tribe chieftain – he’ll either be a brilliant leader and we’ll conquer the other tribes we encounter, thus beginning our journey to world domination, or he’ll get himself killed in the first scrape and we can establish a democracy in which my media and commuication skills will at long last qualify me to work for a corrupt but charismatic politician and sit just outside the inner circle of power.
Oh, and **least original ** will no doubt be happy to perform some of the more menial tasks originally assigned to me, in return for which I will spin his image so the rest of the tribe sees him as “generative god” instead of man-ho.
I would apply for the position of second-in-command. I’m a good writer and public speaker, and am particularly good at writing speeches for others; I’m also good at motivating and organizing individuals and groups. I’m friendly but talk less than most people, so I’d be useful for ferreting out traitors in the ranks. Best of all, I’d have absolutely no interest in the top job, so you (as the presumptive leader) would have no reason to worry about me attempting a bloody coup.
I can do you a marketing campaign for your post-apocalyptic survivor group.
I’m thinking some brochures with - get this - hessian covers; really rugged. We’ll snag www.postapocalypticsurvivors.net, with the strapline “We will survive” - I’ll get onto Gloria Gaynor’s people to see if we can license the music.
We could do a teaser campaign, maybe featuring a rustic bow and arrow, or give away some little plastic Bowie knives, but with a “zingy” modern feel - perhaps holograms on the side. I’ll help put out a press release when the group has a presentable spokesperson, and maybe we can do some T-shirts and bumper stickers for your minions. Balloons go down well, too, particularly helium ones. Oh yes, this post-apocalyptic survival group is whup all the other ones’ asses.
Common sense, inexhaustible patience and the ability to mediate disagreements. You are really going to need these with all those type-A’s marauding around trying to show off their testosterone.
I’m a pasty white, out of shape computer programmer. Bot the ultra geeky, built my Linux out of the old toaster kind of computer guy, but the corporate where the signature I can’t do anything without the signature kind of computer guy. I have allergies and have never been the outdoorsy type. I don’t work wood or metal, don’t know first aid and am a bit excitable at times.
I think my worth might be best used as bait or perhaps roasting me slowly over the fire. Just take care of my wife and family please.
I’ve got some groceries, some peanut butter, to last a couple of days.
But really, I know how to nap flint and make flaked stone tools. Hopefully this theoretical band of survivors will be located someplace I’d have access to flint or obsidian.
*See, I can plow a field all day long
I can catch catfish, from dusk till dawn
We make our own whisky, and our own smoke too
Aint too many things these ole boys cant do, no
We grow good ole tomatoes, make homemade wine
A Country boy can survive
…Well I can skin a buck, and run a trot line
A Country boy can survive*
(With apologies to Hank Williams, Jr.)
Now who’s going to help me pimp my road warrior ride? I’d like a cow-catcher on the front, and an armored turret with a mounted crossbow.
I’m a trained Combat Medic as well as a Nurse with Triage Skills
Sharp Shooter
Good with Electrical and Electronics repair
Good mechanical know how
Long term strategic thinker
I’ve seen smelting and tanning done (so may be able to recreate it at some point.)
Will you be the militant aggressive band of survivors with all the cool vehicles and gas? Or are you going to be the little weenies that make a lame settlement around some skimpy, sandy farmland where you’re parched of thirst from lack of rain or streams?
I understand that you are currently accepting resumes for a variety of positions within your post-apocalyptic band of survivors. I feel that my background makes me a candidate for a high ranking member within your band. My interpersonal skills, wilderness experience, and diverse knowledge of applicable topics can best be used in a role such as the head of organization and planning. In this role, I will be able to direct resources for the common good, while filling in as needed. Some of my qualifications include:
Experience:
1.) Paramedic. I’m no surgeon, but I betcha I could figure it out by 'rootin around.
2.) Ranger for (don’t laugh) the BSA. Ok, so I’m no USA Ranger, but I know some basics about wilderness survival ranging from individual needs to basic sanitation and food-storage for groups.
3.) Chemistry Teacher. If I can get my hands on the right materials, more ammo / explosives, etc. are possible. Also, if this thing works out, you’ll need someone to train the next generation.
4.) Woodworker. I’ve built much of the furniture currently residing in my house. Have some basic understanding of structural requirements.
Additional skillsets:
5.) Fair-to-midlin’ marksman. Haven’t been to the range in a while, but when I was going regularly, I could hit the target more times than not. (The target was a 3x5 card; accuracy was better than 50% at 20 yards with a .40 cal handgun.)
6.) Cooking enthusiast. Also able to find uses for “leftovers” and have some basics knowledge of food preservation and carcass cleaning. I’ve never skinned an animal for eatin’, but I’ve gone through a bunch in science classes.
7.) As a gardener, I bring nothing to the table. My mom on the other hand could grow tomatoes in the desert. You get me, you get my family.
I sincerely hope you take my application into consideration. If not, I’ll be forced to start my own band, hunt you down, and destroy your band for its resources.
As I’m sure you are aware, we have only a few slots available in our post-apocalyptic tribe, and competition is fierce. I regret to inform you that we will be unable to offer you a position at this time. However, we will keep your application on file, and will contact you if something becomes available.
In the meantime, we wish you the very best in your struggle to survive. We are sure that a person with your impressive qualifications will find a suitable societal niche; possibly scrounging grubs under rotten logs.
I’m not much of a diplomat, but I’m ex-military, and a good shot. If Silenus is gonna be the commander, I’d make a good First Officer or Squad Leader type. Can also hunt, fish, build fires, provide extra hands for unskilled labor–ie, find me a carpenter that knows how to build stuff, and I can do what I’m told.
I can card, spin and weave wool. I can sew. I’m a reasonable cook. I know (and have practiced) several food perservation techniques (including smoking, salting, drying, pickling, and making fruit and vegetable preserves). I can fish (line, net, or trap). I’m a whiz at growing vegetables. I haven’t done a lot of hunting, but I can butcher a carcass and tan leather. I’m a reasonably proficient carpenter. I’m also a reasonably proficient potter (and I know how to construct a wheel and kiln).
