Say you had firmly made up your mind to break up with your significant other. But the day before you were going to give them the bad news, something majorly bad unexpectedly happens to them.
Maybe he or she is abruptly diagnosed with cancer, or their parents die in a car accident, or they are hit by a drunk driver, or etc.
To break up with them at this moment would suddenly be far more awkward than it was before the mishap, and would make you look really bad.
Ugh, I have no idea how to answer this question. But it’s actually happening to a couple I know. They were in the first stages of a breakup (he’d moved out), and he was hit by a car and has suffered severe brain damage. He’s recovering (he can walk, talk etc.), but he will never be able to live alone. So he’s back at their home.
Good news is, he no longer has a drug problem. Bad news is, he thinks his 3 year old daughter is in charge of him, and does whatever she says.
Kinda going through that right now, so I’ll be curious as to what people say - also, I’m curious about what constitutes “short” versus “long.”
He’s adjusting to a new job, had a family health scare, and is about to move into his own place. He’ll end up living 45+ minutes away, and will work until mid-evenings. On top of that, he (and his family) is having financial issues. He’s extremely stressed out about all of it, and having “a talk” would not do anything to help the situation.
I wasn’t sure if it was going to work out, but realizing that it will have been 3+ weeks since I’ve seen him (given the holidays), makes me wonder if it is viable for the long-term.
I voted that I wouldn’t postpone it at all. The reasons for our break-up would still be around and the extra stress of having to stay together for whatever reason.
I said I would postpone for a short time. I have next to zero experience in these matters, but it seems to me that unless the relationship was irretrievably broken on both sides, in which case the other person presumably wouldn’t want me around and the breakup would likely have occurred before that stage anyway, the other person would appreciate my support as a friend, if nothing else. I think that would hurt less than just breaking it off right away.
This happened to a friend of mine in college. His dad died of cancer after a loooong struggle, and later in the day his long-term girlfriend broke up with him. Wasn’t a good day.
This also happened to Elaine Benes on Seinfeld, who was going to break up with her much-older boyfriend before he had a stroke. She debated what she should do. Ultimately she stuck around for a little while, and famously fed him yankee beans. Ultimately, she dumped him.
What would I do? Postpone. The length of the postponement would depend on how serious the relationship was and how long we had been in it + the seriousness of the unfortunate situation.
I didn’t vote but I’d waver between the first two choices, depending on why I’d decided to leave. If I felt like I was in an abusive situation, I can’t imagine delaying an exit for any reason. If it was boredom or just not wanting to be with that person any longer, I might stick around a little bit if I could be of help (like hospitalization or a major injury.) But if I’d seriously gotten to the point of feeling like I had to go, I expect it would take a lot to delay that departure.
Depends on the length/seriousness of the relationship and the misfortune. I mean if you are secretly planning on divorcing your wife of 15 years and then she is in a major car accident or some dramatic thing, that’s pretty freaking harsh man. Wait till she’s not sucking food through a straw, if its just a temporary thing she can recover from.
I think I’d postpone for a while, I’d want them to do the same for me.
I had a relative who had a possibly terminal illness at one point, and he tried to break up with his girlfriend because he didn’t think she should have to deal with his illness. She wanted to stay together though, and he got a bone marrow transplant and was cured, she ended up breaking up with him later down the road though.
I heard about a couple who, as teenagers in the early 1950s, dated all through high school and everyone thought they would get married and live happily ever after. However, after they graduated from high school and were making preparations to both go off to college, they realized that they were drifting apart and were talking about breaking up (IIRC, they didn’t have a wedding date set) and then she got polio, which left her permanently disabled. Because he didn’t want to be known as “the boy who dumped his crippled girlfriend”, he went ahead and married her anyway; they later had several children, and had been miserable for almost all of this time.
Anyone remember the miniseries “Houston Medical”? It was a network TV reality series ca. 2000 about some doctors, and one of them had an inoperable brain tumor. She had been engaged at the time of her diagnosis; however, they had already discussed breaking the engagement, and made a mutual decision to end their relationship and let people think whatever they wanted. :rolleyes: Sadly, she died shortly after the series ended.
For me, when and how to end the relationship would depend on a lot of factors.
My husband was killing himself with his non-compliance over his illness. I’d finally reached a breaking point and couldn’t stand by helplessly, watching it happened. We were talking about splitting up when he was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in June. I couldn’t go then, mostly because I loved him anyway, but partly due to the fact that his non-compliance wouldn’t matter anymore. Anyway, he passed away at the beginning of last month and I’m glad I stuck it out. I hate the idea he could’ve died alone and I’m happy for the remaining time we had together. However, if that’d stretched on and on (it has already been five years total), I’m not sure I could’ve done it. Relationships are hard enough without adding that kind of never-ending stress to them. It was, overall, awful. I’d understand anyone who chose to walk away and I certainly couldn’t judge them for it.
When I broke up with my EX (it was her idea BTW) she made sure to burn every bridge she possibly could while I was just trying to get out with a shred of dignity and bit of class as it were.
A few years on, I almost thank her for that.
Because now, if her shit ever hits the fan, about all I need to muster up is “someone tell me where to pick up the dog and hey, if I am in a good mood I might not come to the funeral and say bad but true shit about you”.
Another data point I just remembered my Mom told me when she was dating my Dad that she was about to break up with him but then his Mother died and she just didn’t have the heart to do it. They got married and produced two children, divorcing after 15 years of marriage. Thank you for your sacrifice Grandma!
I was dating a guy back in the 90s who was a nice enough guy, but I knew he wasn’t the guy for me. (He was very, very passive. I don’t want to have to make all the damn decisions in the relationship.) I was having a hard time breaking up with him, because I was going, “But he’s a nice guy!” and better the devil you know…etc.
He was having some problems with work stress and depression. He was off work for a month or so, but was not being an active participant in his recovery.
Long story short, when he returned to work, he made a suicidal gesture that involved taking all of his Prozac for the month. Then he went in to work and called me at my job to ask what he should do.
Anyway, that was the end. I didn’t dump him that day, but it wasn’t long afterwards.
This, and also it would depend on if my partner saw it coming or not. If they had an inkling that were going to break up anyway, then yeah, I’d just go ahead and break up with them. But if they had no idea it was coming, I’ll wait a while.
It’s also worth noting, that the break-up-er is likely going to be going through some break up blues themselves. The one getting dumped doesn’t have a monopoly on that pain. YMMV.
Because he didn’t want to be known as “the boy who dumped his crippled girlfriend”, he went ahead and married her anyway; they later had several children, and had been miserable for almost all of this time.