On Monday I learned that the 17-year-old daughter of family friends had gone missing. We had known her since she was a toddler. She was friends with my son since preschool. A sweet, wonderful quirky girl. As soon as I heard the details I knew how the story was going to end. She had a new boyfriend who turned out to be insecure, controlling and violent, and she was planning to leave him. Yesterday the police found her body at his home, and he has been arrested.
I am sick with grief and so frustrated and angry that I don’t know what to do with myself. I wish I was religious so I could believe he would spend eternity in hell. I hope the fucker lives a long life filled with horror, pain and misery. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
You need to know that there is nothing that you could have done… or you would be in jail.
You need to know that there is nothing that you can do… or you will be in jail.
You will need an outlet for your anger, whether it be running shoes or a speed bag.
I pity whatever object you choose…
Thank you. I know that, but knowing doesn’t help…I can’t help playing the “what if” game in my mind, over and over. We have been spending time with her parents, who are utterly crushed. Yesterday I rushed to the school to take my kids out of class and tell them the news before they learned it from social media. Today we are all home, mainly lost in our own thoughts. I need to find something to busy myself with, but it is hard to concentrate. A long walk might be a good idea…
I don’t wonder you don’t know what to do with yourself. What a terrible thing to have to wrap your head around! My heart goes out to her poor parents and you and the rest of her friends and family. I hope the girl is at peace and that that walking piece of scum gets the book thrown at him good and hard.
(And for everyone who ever asked “why doesn’t she just leave him” this is why. Leaving an abuser means you take away their sense of power and control and it’s so so so dangerous.)
I’m no expert but I think you should let your son know that he can talk to you about this if he wants. He might have trouble processing this, given he knew her for so long. And his pediatrician can recommend a therapist if you feel that it would be helpful for him to talk to someone.
Thank you. Yes, he knows he can talk to me and my wife, but he probably won’t. Typical 17-year-old boy he is angry and withdrawn right now. We are giving him some space. He has had therapy before for his anxiety and knows how good it was for him. I’m confident he will speak with a councillor. He just needs a little time.
I am so sorry. This is heart-breaking. I’m glad you and the parents can be there for each other. I hope her murderer is held to account, and that you all find some peace with time.
I’m sorry this happened. Losing someone young and beloved is a heartbreaker. Losing someone young and beloved because someone who didn’t deserve her in the first place cut her life so short musts be a maelstrom of pain and rage. I hope you can find a way to channel that anger into a crusade for justice, both for her and maybe for other victims of violent relationships.
It can be hard to stop thoughts like that. If that’s teh case for the OP, then, rather than an abrupt stop, I recommend acknowledging them for what they really are—part of the grieving process—accept that they will happen, and then gently turn to thinking about something else. If you feel angry, scared, guilty, whatever, you can just let that feeling be.