I mentioned one here.
Here’s another one. One time I went to a concert when I was 14 years old. I think it was " big d and the kids table." I ended up meeting a cute girl there and we exchanged email addresses and a number of emails. At one point I wrote something along the lines of “oh thank god you’re not crazy, or one of those crazy evangelicals or something.” She angrily wrote back that she WAS one of those “crazy evangelicals,” and never talked to me again.
It was a pretty stupid and close minded thing of me to say. I regret it. I would never say it now, but I was 14 at the time, what did I know?
I’m sorry. You are disqualified from this thread. That was hilarious! 
“It’s a type of handbag.”
One should note that those are primary colors, just not for paint. I still haven’t figured out why, but the primary colors for light are, in fact, red, green, & blue, but for paint are red, blue, & yellow.
A friend of mine in Texas on business attempted to order a beer in a restaurant and was told by the waitress that he needed a UNICARD (some bullshit ID card required to “join” a restaurant/club as a loophole method of being served alcohol in “dry” areas). He replied “what if I don’t want to be a eunuch?” and was rewarded with a blank stare.
I had some new neighbors move into the Duplex across from mine. I’m meeting the Husband, the Ex is meeting the Wife, my kid’s talking to their kids. During a lull in the conversation I decided to tell a joke:
“If a Husband and Wife in Arkansas get a divorce, are they still considered to be Brother and Sister?”
Complete silence, while everyone slowly turns towards me.
My new neighbor replies “I’m from Arkansas.”
Remember that saying about never getting a second chance to make a first impression?
True.
Many, many years (decades actually) ago, while looking for open spots at 4/5 A.M., found what I was to learn afterwards, was a famous LGBT bar here – and one of a kind at the time – in Santo Domingo. Placed was owned/run by a TV (again, very famous person, though I had no idea) and when we (I was with a buddy) walked in, other than a softly playing jukebox, the place looked pretty dead. So I figured I’d say as much and fairly loudly as I approached the bar: “why is everyone looking so bored?”…NOT a good question, as more than one patron took offense to it – with the head TV/owner leading the charge with a switch-blade, while asking ‘Who the FUCK do you think you are to come in here and call us “bored”’? Hmm…good question, as my buddy & I backed into a wall near the exit and prepared for…a goring. Though at the time I was young and stupid (still am the latter, just more of the stay at home type) and carried a 9mm S&W, odds looked extremely small what when faced with a horde of zombie-like pissed off, minorities in their only “turf” at the time.
Long story short, there must have been some good in my being in the streets so much at the time, for one of the two bouncers working there recognized me from another club – I honestly didn’t remember him from Adam, but he fastly became my bestest friend ever – and proceeded to back down the masses, owner included, saying I was just a confused kid looking for a good time in the wrong place. Must have been a Psych Major in his off time, 'cause that is exactly what happened.
Kind of escorted us back to my car, gave him the tip of his life (and mine!) and learned to never, ever use the “you looked bored” line in my lifetime.
Might I suggest you scratch it off your list too?
I was tech support for HP, along with about 100 others in the same call center. It was a VERY big deal to leave your desktop unlocked. So when a friend of mine left his unlocked during break, I snuck over, made a picture of The Tic his background, and scootched all of his icons off the screen. He was a very funny guy, and loved the Tic, and I figured it would take him exactly 3 seconds to figure it out.
Apparantly it took a whole room full of techs, and even higher-up tech support, to figure out how to get his computer back to normal. I would apparantly have been in huge trouble if anyone’d figured it out. Needless to say, I did not step forward when questioning began, lol.
PPS- Just in case my good & bright friend, Mighty_Girl might read this, the place was called “Cambumbo” (for the owner)…she might well know what I speak of.
I was on a tech support job at Target HQ in Minneapolis. Part of my job was to call people up at stores all over the country and tell them to reboot their computers. A bigger part was figuring out which ones to call, but that’s a different story. One day I called a store…
Me: Hello, this is Ethilrist. Could I speak to your TRL? I’m calling from headquarters.
Store Person: Headquarters? What is it?
Me: It’s a big, brown building with a lot of computers, but that’s not important right now.
She didn’t get it.
Few weeks ago. I was doing a presentation on employment rights and responsibilities. Trying to keep things light and understandable, I said “So t’s not a good idea to take on a Saturday morning job if you know you’re out partying every Friday night.”
The Drug and Alcohol Recovery clients were not amused.
I have been in your shoes. (No, not literally. Stop locking all of the windows and sequestering your footwear).
Movie quotes (or in this case, a funny allusion to a quote) are really difficult to carry off when your target audience hasn’t seen the movie.
Everyone should be required to watch ‘Airplane!’.
“Excuse me stewardess, I speak Jive.”
"the jerk store called… they’re running out of you!’
“Bing, what are you still doing here? I thought I told you to go fuck your mother!”
A local newspaper columnist once wrote “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” In his next column he mentioned that hundreds of readers complained to him and that yes he had taken American history and that he was making a joke, dammit!
Oh man… I’ve had SO many, but this one comes to mind.
Scene: Me and a buddy shooting pool with 2 attractive ladies we had just met. “well endowed” girl #1 breaks and sinks the 3 ball.
Well endowed Girl #1: “Looks like we have have little ones!”
ME: “I wouldn’t say that!”
Well endowed girl #1: “You guys are Assholes, lets go Well endowed girl #2”
My Buddy: “Dude, you are a Dick!”
It was so much funnier in my head!
Cecil did a column on this if you really want to know the details.
I’m on my way to my mailbox one day, when a frollicking pitbull comes running up to me, stubby tail wagging, saliva-coated tongue lolling to and fro, and making whiny-happy noises. Concluding that her appearance and demeanor are friendly, I reach down to pet her. As she is basking in my affectionate caresses, assurances of her attractiveness and good-nature, I hear her owner across the street yelling her name. Appropriately, I stop the petting, but she ignores her owner and stays at my side, prompting him to walk from his house to where I’m standing with his dog at my mailbox. When he reaches us, he good-naturedly apologizes and grabs her gently by her collar to escort her home, saying, “Sorry, she just runs up and jumps on people she doesn’t even know all the time”.
I smiled and replied, “I used to have a girlfriend like that… and she was a bitch, too.”
…no reaction whatsoever. …crickets filled the silence as he walked her back home.
I’ve had the opposite of this happen.
One night I came home from work to find out that my stove didn’t work and I had no hot water. After fiddling with things a bit I determined that my service was out. To find out if it was just me or if it was the whole neighborhood, I went downstairs and knocked on my neighbor’s door.
When she answered, I matter of factly asked “Do you have gas?”
The mortified look on her face was priceless.