Dealbreaker. I can’t even stand to be around *me *after I miss a day’s shower.
Ditch, and no, I don’t ever think it’s my place to “improve” other adults. There’s no guarantee they will appreciate it, and there’s no way to phrase “you smell” that isn’t hurtful.
Couldn’t do it. Never see him again. No way would I tell. It’s not my place. Although I would consider that anonymous web thing where you can give people a tip (your breath is funky, you need beter deodorant, etc). I’ve never actually seen that site, but I thnik I read about it on here.
Why? Why not let him know that, hey, just a heads up, you may want to work on this one thing and maybe you’ll have better luck in the future? He may just honestly not be aware that whatever he’s doing isn’t enough. Yeah, he’ll probably be a little shocked and his feelings will be hurt to hear it, but it’s better than continuing on the same way and getting the same reactions for the rest of his life, isn’t it?
I think the unfortunate thing is combining it with the rejection coming from the dating aspect at the same time, though. It would be easier if it was a friend, instead of someone you were telling you didn’t want to ever see again. Then you could sugarcoat your delivery and perhaps get it out there in a way which makes it impossible to doubt your sincerity and good intentions. Oh well…
That was what I was thinking, too, but I have been accused in the past of being too blunt, so I check myself first now. Usually.
For those who think it’s not their business to tell him: No one can change unless they know WHY there is a problem. If you can’t tell him directly (and I understand how that is), then at least tell someone who knows them. Nicely.
Hell, my ex-wife would come to bed very much less than fresh and want sex - when sex was extremely infrequent and I knew better than to turn her down. I was just really really glad at the time that she thought oral was icky and didn’t want it, or I’d have been forced to say something and risk her not speaking to me for a week and adding extra bonus stories to her litany of paranoid delusions.
I think the kind, adult thing is to tell him.
The only reservation I would have in telling him would be if he is really, really into you and will interpret this as, “Oh, if I only promise to shower more often, we can still date!” If you feel this is not a concern, then yeah, I’d probably go ahead and mention it. I had a college roommate that always smelled vaguely mildewy due to not knowing how to properly launder his clothes, and we finally had a group intervention and said something to him. He had no idea that other people were noticing the odor. And, he fixed it. So a heads-up to this dude may help him with future relationships.
Ummm, one observation to make. While body odour is definitely a deal breaker, I’d like to add that it should be repeated and not caused by uncontrollable factors. I’ll offer my own experience as an example: I once had a date with a girl. Of course I showered and shaved carefully, then got on the train (I had to, I lived in a nearby town) and immediately started sweating like in a sauna: the carriage was full, the heating was on full blast (in May???) and I had to stand in a spot where the sun hit me fully (either that, or not get on board!).
When I arrived to my destination, I sneaked in a public toilet before meeting my date, and did the best I could, but I just couldn’t do much and my shirt was by now soaked with sweat. The girl did notice and asked me delicately if I just had played football or something. I explained what happened to me, but I’m not sure she took me seriously.
So, in conclusion, sometimes we just cannot avoid body odour.
I would say no, don’t tell him. This is because one known reason for BO is nervousness. It’s possible he was nervous before the date, hence the odor. You’ve heard the term “flop sweat”?
If this is a case of flop sweat, telling him would create even more pressure next time.
Well, for one thing, I wasn’t comfortable discussing this guy’s toothbrushing habits with him (we had just met for coffee), and secondly, he was an adult - if he doesn’t know yet that you have to brush your teeth, what other common things does he not know? That you have to wipe your ass? That you have to clean a house once in a while?
Some people are allergic to deodorants. Others have very strong odors due to metabolic and endocrine disorders. It may be one of those situations - one should not automatically assume that BO is a person’s choice. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
If he smells bad to her, does it really matter why he smells bad? There is no reason she should continue to date someone she finds repulsive, even if the reason for the repulsiveness is not his fault.
The sweatpants on a date thing is definitely a clue that the smell isn’t something he can’t help.
This thread is cracking me up.
In the summer time I’ll do a lot of outdoors work. Sweat’n my ass off. When I’m done working I’ll drop by the bar for a couple of beers to cool down.
I never bothered showering because I wasn’t up there to meet any ladies. But damn; I wish I had a nickle for everytime a woman would start (blatantly) flirting with me when I was all sweaty and dirty.
This reminds me of my last girlfriend. On our first date, I kept catching a whiff of her sweaty underarms. It didn’t bother me that much – I was attracted to her, plus it was a warm day, so I dismissed it.
The thing is, she did not have a BO problem. I dated her for several months, and her smell was never an issue after that day. Maybe she was nervous and forgot to put on deodorant.
We’re all animals, and we all stink from time to time. I would give it a few dates – if the person had a consistent, severe BO problem, then I’d consider saying something about it.
That’s really it. Because even though I truly believe it is subjective, as pseudotriton ruber ruber pointed out, and even if it’s as a result of something the guy can’t control (like a special diet), you don’t like it. Someone else might, but you don’t.
Does this guy have friends? If he does, then I’d skip telling him. For one, it’s only part of the reason. Secondly (and maybe I know too many musicians), he may very well know and just not care.
Bad smells are a dealbreaker. I mean, even if it’s his clothes, anbd not him, he should be able to clean himself and do laundry.
Not to repeat myself (okay, I’ll repeat myself) but why is this discussion so focussed on the guy with BO, supposedly, and not on the finicky girl? Again, I’m not saying that Alice is necessarily sensitive to odors, but even if she isn’t, why not come at this problem from that direction?
“Listen, Ted, I’m pretty sure this is my issue, not yours, but I keep picking up a whiff off your clothing that I don’t care for. I’m kind of sensitive to funky smells, I know, and I keep trying to get over this sensitivity, but so far I haven’t been able to so I guess this isn’t going to work out for me.”
And again, I’m not talking about actually saying this to him, because I don’t think it’s necessary under these circumstances, but what’s wrong with this whole approach to the problem? For what you know, it could be true, and has the further virtue of putting the responsibility and the fault on you, where it might well belong. Furthermore, the guy might file this away, and think “But maybe it IS me?”, more easily than if you come off as a hyper-critical, finicky, stuck-up bitch who thinks her shit doesn’t smell. Why be harsh on him when you could be harsh on yourself and still communicate the same message?
I had the experience. It wasn’t straightforward BO…it was something more intense, strange, and deeply vile.
And i told him, although not quite that rudely. I told him that I am very smell-oriented (and I am, VERY) and that, sadly, I found his personal smell very unpleasant.
I didn’t tell him until later in email, though.